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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

ds (15) is horrible at the moment. Any parents of teens around?

25 replies

steppemum · 23/12/2017 22:51

He has been foul since about the beginning of December. Rude, unhelpful, uncommunicative, total typical teen.

We have had one or two flashes of the old ds, on his birthday for example, but on the whole he uses every single opportunity to have a dig at us and to kick off against what we have asked.

Today was horrible. I have just been sitting wrapping presents in tears. I feel at the end of my tether. Our terrible fault? At 1 pm, knowing that we were going out at 4, and that he had been awake and in bed on his phone since 11, we asked him to get up, tidy a bit of his stuff up downstairs, and do one job, he had a choice of hoovering upstairs or down or sorting the pile of clean washing.

He kicked off. After an hour of non compliance, dh turned off the wi-fi and said it would go on again when he had done his job. That made him kick off more. He does a great line in rude sarcasm, and it was out in force today.
At 4 we all went out for an hour, and when we came back I said I would take his phone until the job he had been asked to do was done, we were all helping to get the house clean and tidy for Christmas., the dds had had jobs to do too. The reply was that he didn't care if it was tidy, if I wanted it tidy I should tidy it myself. That was probably the least nasty thing he has said all day.

Dh had taken dog out. I was consistent about phone, if the job isn't done now, you will lose your phone. He is over 6 feet tall, he got right in my face and screamed at me that I wasn't having his phone. I remained calm and said DO NOT get in my face like that, you will not physically threaten me, you have been asked to do a job. He got in my face again and shouted at my. I said if you get in my face like that agian, you will lose your phone or x-box for the rest of the holiday.

His reply? I can do what I like and he slapped me on the arm.

I have removed his x-box, and he has now no x-box or internet for the rest of the Christmas break. I went up to his room after removing the x-box, as job was STILL not done, he then pushed me out of his room.

He has never been physical before. he continue to stomp and strop and be SOOO rude about me and to me all round the house. Dh sent him to his room. A couple of hours later, when he had had time to calm down, dh went upstairs to talk to him, he denies doing anything of note, and says I hit him first Shock
Apparently the whole problem is invented by us as we just wouldn't wait until he got up to do the job.

I feel broken by today. I have sat with dh and cried and cired. I feel that he is ruining everything nice about our family.

He keeps shouting at me things like - well I could be out doing drugs or drinking every saturday, but instead I just play on my x-box and do well at school, what do you f...ing want from?
But we don't ask anything odd of him, eat dinner together, no phones at table, and the occasional job like today. He doesn't have some weird awful life.

Just need to rant. maybe tomorrow he will be lovely and apologise. (OK I'm not holding my breath)
Don't want to wrap his Christmas stuff. Can't bear the thought of New Year, we are travelling to dh fmaily overseas, and he is going to be awful the whole time, and staying with them is hard at th ebest of times.

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steppemum · 23/12/2017 22:56

and I have been told to F - off three times today, and I've lost track of the number of times he has told me he hates us in the last month.

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lljkk · 23/12/2017 22:58

You escalated it. Shouldn't have kept escalating. Not over some petty household chore, anyway.

His behaviour was outrageous, I'm not saying otherwise. Problem is that escalating the stakes with increasingly taking stuff away from him made him dig his heels in. I must have BTDT and suffered my own resulting stress, which is why I know.

I think Mother Nature makes them like this so we can handle them leaving home.

lljkk · 23/12/2017 23:00

Him lying to your DH to say you started it is a good sign... means he knows he did wrong.

LovingLola · 23/12/2017 23:01

Tell him to fuck off!!! That will be a shock to him.

steppemum · 23/12/2017 23:02

I hear you llijk, but if I don't push, then he never does any chores.

is that the answer then? That once they are rude and kick off they get a free pass on anything to do with the house?
He never and I mean NEVER does any chore unless we remove phone or threaten to remove phone.

I fail to see why being 15 means your mother turns into a servant.

Turning off the wi-fi hadn't worked, as he was then laughing in my face and saying who cares about internet when I have enough data on my phone? I can ignore the sarcastic laughing in the face, but then he just ignores what he ahs been asked to do.

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Melonsonic · 23/12/2017 23:03

My 15 year old is refusing to attend school and it's driving me to drink mad.

Feel your pain Wine

steppemum · 23/12/2017 23:03

Him lying to your DH to say you started it is a good sign... means he knows he did wrong.

I hope you are right!

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LovingLola · 23/12/2017 23:03

Take his phone. Then he has no data.

RickOShay · 23/12/2017 23:05

Oh i am so sorry. I think it is fairly
normal though. You haven’t done anything wrong, and he has a lovely life, but he doesn’t know that yet.
Keep calm, hold your nerve, you will get through this. Flowers

steppemum · 23/12/2017 23:05

lola, that was what I threatened to do, to get the chore done, and that was when he slapped me.

He did actually do the chore eventually, in his words 'to safeguard my phone'

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LineyRunner · 23/12/2017 23:05

I'm guessing he really doesn't want to go on the trip. But he's too young to leave

I'm glad your DH is supporting you. It's shit.

Talk tomorrow. He should hopefully apologise to get his stuff back. Compromise.

lljkk · 23/12/2017 23:07

Who pays for data if he goes over his allowance; or can you modify the allowance?

I bet if you waited 3 days he'd start doing the chore(s). Give the penalty time to work. Teens require patience of saints. You must fake being a Saint. Only escalate after at least 24 hours with no improvement.

btw, Can you ban his device from the Wifi so rest of you don't have to suffer without?

I agree he's been a painful selfish shit, but I'm afraid you're still so angry you'll try to escalate again which will gain you nothing. He's bigger than you. You simply can't make him like when he was small.

steppemum · 23/12/2017 23:07

I think I am so much more upset today than over anything else that has gone before, because of the physical stuff, he slapped me and then pushed me out of his room.

I feel he crossed a line. That is why we have removed x-box for so long, usually I do 24-48 removals.
He doesn't at the moment realise he has crossed a line.

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lljkk · 23/12/2017 23:10

ha! Xpost. already safeguarding the phone.

When you calm down, which is not now, he'll have to do some big amends for that slap. That will be a slow process to persuade him of, could take a week or longer.

Read that "Get of my life but take me & Alex to town" book. I don't like all the ideas, but it was great for making me understand what is enough compliance with family rules.

steppemum · 23/12/2017 23:12

llijk - I see what you are saying, but in this case the chores were time dependant. The point is that we had today to tidy up the house ready for Christmas, busy tomorrow and then it is Christmas. Christmas doesn't wait 3 days for a teen to change their mind.

I do get it, and in some circumstances I would, but I just don't get why being a teen gives your carte blanche to not be a member of the family. My brother was awful as a teen, and I recognise a lot of ds behaviour, but the bottom line was, this is our house and there are some things you have to do if you live here, and even he did them.

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HelpMe76 · 23/12/2017 23:13

OP. I really feel your pain. I guess the only good thing is that it is 'normal' behaviour.

steppemum · 23/12/2017 23:13

and you are right, I am not calm now!!
Hence the rant on here.

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steppemum · 23/12/2017 23:14

funnily enough, the first thing I did when I got the computer out was to order that book!

It has been recommended so many times, but I haven't felt the need until this month

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LovingLola · 23/12/2017 23:14

When my ds was about 14 we had words about something. I went to take the playstation controllers. He pushed me (he was about a foot taller than me). I had words with him. Dh came in to the room. Suffice to say that within a minute ds was in tears. That was the one and only time DS ever laid a hand on me. (DH was not one bit physical with him but absolutely laid it one the line that aggressive pushing of anyone in the family was not going to tolerated).

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 23/12/2017 23:16

OP, don’t listen to lijkk. There’s no “oh what if I’d done this?”/“I should have been harder/softer”.

There will always be wise arses who think they know better than you, handle things better than you.

But the truth is, you’re in a shit situation and there’s not much you can do. Just stay tough, stick it out and he’ll change back eventually.

Flowers
steppemum · 23/12/2017 23:16

He won't go over data allowance, he will go somewhere with free wi-fi eg McD, and download a series to watch on netflix.

dh has set up the wi-fi so that he an turn kid devices off individually! (the advantages of a tech savvy dh)

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steppemum · 23/12/2017 23:20

Rita - actually lljkk is right, and I do understand where she is coming from, part of the process in this is trying to see what you could do differently next time.

I guess I feel that as a society we always say "Oh teens are like this" and I question that, and how much we facilitate it. Why does going through puberty mean you can check out of all responsibility? There must be a middle line.

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LineyRunner · 23/12/2017 23:41

The hitting you was totally unacceptable. Totally.

dorislessingscat · 24/12/2017 08:36

Sending massive sympathy but no advice, I have no experience of this.

Maybe keep his phone permanently until he understands how to behave?

And do extra nice things with your other children.

BeyondThePage · 24/12/2017 08:47

I have a 17 year old DD who is ermmmmmm.... "trying my patience" at the moment - has been for a year now.

I have learned to walk away. Things are improving.

I ask for the job to be done, I say why the job needs doing, the timeframe expected, and the consequences of it not being done - and I walk away. I ask again with a reasonable amount of time left to complete the job on time... and walk away.

It has taken 6 months - but has been a much nicer place to live round here since we stopped the shouting, demanding and arguing.

SHE has realised that give and take makes her life easier. Do the job, get a lift to boyfriend's house... don't do the job and it is an hour on the bus... Do the job, left alone to play on the laptop, don't do the job, I'll find something else that needs doing too... etc.

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