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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

13 year old DD being excluded

9 replies

Zipadeedoodah · 20/12/2017 15:58

Hi, we live in a fairly small community and I love being here there is only one problem. My daughter is constantly being excluded by those around her - we finished term with one girl bringing presents for all the other girls but her. I can’t believe her mum let her do that but she did - I do love the school and academically my dd is thriving but I want to ask is this normal ? The school have done what they can to help and I have limited DD’s time on social media and keep her very busy so that she can’t feel the sting of missing out too much but I just wonder how cruel can other people be. This term the same girl who didn’t give her a gift ( I don’t give a monkeys about the gift it’s the message behind excluding her ) also didn’t tell my DD she could come in casuals to help with a drama performance one day - it’s low level, subtle but horrid exclusion - is this normal ?

OP posts:
Theimpossiblegirl · 20/12/2017 16:04

No, it's not normal, it's a form of bullying. Have a lovely break, get her to invite some other friends round and try to establish more friendships beyond this mean girl, then go into school for a chat in the New Year.

Original poster
Zipadeedoodah · 20/12/2017 17:17

Thank you so much - I’ve emailed the school and will go in. There aren’t any girls on her her small year group who will see her or socialise with her- there’s a couple of Queen Bees who basically have made the others make a choice to either be in or out of they talk to her. It’s really horrible to see her have to go though this and also don’t really want to have to deal with the mums who let their girls behave in this way ! I’ve tried to invite them for coffees and socialise with them - they are very pleasant to me but then the exclusion and bullying continues at school. The present thing when she was the only girl not to receive a present from this one girl was the last straw - honestly who lets their kids behave like that

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JustDanceAddict · 20/12/2017 18:08

Dreadful behaviour. Are the sure the mum is complicit though and the daughter has just not given your dd the present off her own bat? Nevertheless I think you need to go to the school if your dd wants this as it is a nasty form of bullying, as she has no friends to turn to.

spidereye · 20/12/2017 18:39

My DD is in the same position. We are all on the spectrum, but she's not diagnosed. (and I doubt she would meet the criteria anyway) It breaks my heart every day. She puts a brave face on, but she's' never invited anywhere or ever had a best friend. She doesn't want me to talk to the school as apparently I make it worse :(

Original poster
Zipadeedoodah · 21/12/2017 01:58

Thank you - I agree it’s dreadful behaviour. I can’t be sure that the mum is complicit but also wonder why she didn’t, as I would have, asked her daughter about the armful of presents as she dropped her off that morning. Either way - I will go to the school but also am trying to use this experience as a way to help my daughter be as resilient as she can possibly be. Strategies that help include:
As little time in bedroom staring at her phone seeing what the other girls are doing without her.
Ensuring she gets enough sleep so can cope with her day.
Choosing to take her out for a coffee instead of my own friends - I love spending time with her anyway.
Movie nights instead of us going out.
I honestly know that this is a difficult age but I know the difference between bullying and just unpleasantness and think this is all particularly nasty. Thank you

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Original poster
Zipadeedoodah · 21/12/2017 01:59

I am really sorry to hear that - how old is she ? We’ve had the same from our daighter saying talking to the school results in even more unpleasantness ...

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MrsDilber · 21/12/2017 02:04

It's horrible and it is bullying. I don't understand parents who turn a blind eye to it and I really feel for your DD and for you too.

Glad you emailed the school. My niece has recently moved school for very similar reasons and she is so happy now. I always thought, you shouldn't run away from problems/difficult situations, but she was miserable. Definitely the right decision in her situation.

Original poster
Zipadeedoodah · 21/12/2017 02:20

Thank you. I agree - if an adult was really unhappy in the workplace then they might consider leaving and I think for some children it’s the right decision. I honestly would at this stage if I could but we live in such a small place that there isn’t another option. I know that she will be stronger for all of this but I really wish she didn’t have to.

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Cookiesandicecream · 30/12/2022 23:02

Wondering how this all worked out? Going through similar…

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