DS wants to come back to live with me....

[Klaw]

... but I don't know how we can do this.

My 13.5 yr old ds has been living with his Dad since he was about 8. When I moved to this house (4 years ago) and before he started high school (2 years ago) I did ask him to come and live with me again, but he said no. And then he and his dad moved an hour away to live with dad's fiancee and her two kids. I have since had dd with dp and desperately want to have another to complete our family together. But we are stressed up to our eyeballs with finance and property issues which I hope will be resolved within a few months so we can ttc.

I always felt it important not to disrupt schooling if at all humanely possible and his dad feels the same.

He was out with his friends here EVERY day of the easter holidays and by Tuesday after schools went back his dad was on the phone saying he was talking about coming back to live with me, being very sullen (nothing new there tho!) and not wanting to go to school!

We have appt to see school on 2nd May to check up on how he is at school. I don't believe that moving now is a good idea, he has just chosen his subjects for going into 3rd year (don't know what the English equivalent is, we in Scotland) after the summer hols, we don't have the space or money at the moment. Living in a two up, two down sort of house, when he visits dd comes in with us. I don't know that I could handle that full time.... We need a bigger house and selfishly I think 'but I want to have another baby so that Catriona doesn't grow up like an only child the way he did'.... he'll be 18 in 4 years and heading off into the bright world so she'll not have him around then anyway. i see other families out and I want to be a proper family.. iyswim...

We always thought we'd floor loft for him to use when he visited but not put in proper stairs and that would not be good if he was here full time... Am considering going to neighbours to see how their conversions work! Would we be able to afford the kind of conversion needed to accomodate 1 extra teen and a new baby, an dhow quickly could it be done and would we be able to stay here while it was done?

My head is spinning! I don't want to say no, it's what I always wanted but how can we make it work. I'm scared to mention it to dp cos he has so much on his shoulders as it is I'm not sure I want to burden him with more stress. I need to get my head sorted a bit more before I can talk to him....

Argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dd is always sad when he leaves to go back to his dad, and I think he misses her too. My heart wants to say yes, but my head is saying it's all too much!!!

anyone got any opinions, ideas etc? Especially concerned about him moving schools at this stage......

What a hard situation! Isn't it good that he wants to live with you though? If you previously did want him to live with you, then I'd snatch this chance.

I understand your concerns about wanting to have another baby, but he's part of your family too. As you say, he's only likely to be around for another 4 years or so. Your DD isn't an only child - she has a brother, and it sounds like she's love to have him around more. If you don't let him come to you, he may feel rejected, especially if you go on to have another child.

Finally, in terms of school, now is a far better time to move than once he's started Standard grade courses.

Good luck!

now sounds like the ideal time to move him Klaw, if he stays when he's unhappy there he's less likely to be successful in his courses anyway.

and you can make anything work if you try hard enough, i brought my little brother back from living with my mum last year as he was unhappy there, and now i have Joe he's an amazing help, which at 16 is fairly unusual

i would also jump at the chance to have him back. Do you have a downstairs dining room you could convert into a temp bedroom for him.

How old is your dd? Could she not share with you for a while until you have done the loft.

Would def have him back and worry about ttc later, if it is meant to be it is meant to be everything will work out.

You still can be a happy family he is your son so dp shouldnt have a problem, but that is just what I would think.

I wonder whether you ought to think about any other reasons he wants to stay with you? It may be that as he is entering further into his teenage years, he and his father are not agreeing. Whilst this is perfectly normal, it may prove disruptive to both sets of families if when there is a discipline issue he threatens to live with the other. There fore i think you need to sit down with his father and with him present, work out rules, discipline and the certainties of his high school years. I think it needs explaining to him that if he comes to stay with you, he cannot change his mind during a school year. It also needs explaining that there are two sets of family dynamics and financies to work out and therefore hecannot swap and change whenever a parental decision does not suit.
I think at this point he should perhaps be left to think about it for a week before a final decision is made.

BTW i do not think that the loft space you descibe is any hardship. However maybe your son would think differently if he has quite alot of room at his disposal at the moment.

I agree; I'd jump at the chance to have him home.

I know it sound shard but I would put the TTc on the back burner for a little while; enjoy the two children you do have and give them chance to enjoy being together more too.

yes, that is what i was trying to say also about the ttc

I agree with emank - you'd have to dig deep for his reasons for wanting to come back to make sure that he isn't going to change his mind. If he's sure though, then as Hula said i'd jump at the chance. He has a very little 'childhood' time left and how precious it would be for you both to have that together...

A friend of mine had a loft bedroom as a teenager; it was a proper room but not a proper 'conversion' IYKWIM - he had a pull down loft ladder rather than stairs. He LOVED his room and we though it was cool

And TBH personally I wouldn't prioritise TTC. You need to focus on the children you do have and get that 'sorted' before you introduce another IMHO. Your ds and dd ARE a proper family.... I understand that you are thinking of two close together and I see why, but in my perfectly honest view, you need to prioritise your existing son in this situation; if you didn't have him wanting to come home you would be perfectly entitled to go for TTC but that's not the reality of the situation.

I think these things have a way of working out anyway, I'm sure you can sort this and be TTC again sooner than seems likely at the mo.

I say don't let the practicalities interfere - you only get one chance to have him with you for these last years at home

Will spend more time reading your replies later ladies, but wanted to point out that ttc is sonewhat urgent for me as I am 40 already.... I don't feel I have time to wait. I know they are siblings as it is but it's not the same as two kids with a few years difference growing up together, playing together etc.

Mind you, ds can babysit...

We have two bedrooms, a living room and a kitchen and a bathroom. We can just about swing a cat as it is.

Keep it coming ladies, I need lots of thoughts to mull over

Ds' dad and I have talked more, I've talked with dp.

It's what I've always wanted and I'm scared to believe it might actually happen in case it doesn't...

I've contacted local school and am waiting for enrollment officer to call back, hopefull his dad and i can get appt to discuss with them.

We see his current school next week and then we need to all sit down and talk with him, i think.

then we'll work out where we all sleep!

Thanks for all your opinions, I shall bear them all in mind.

so glad things are progressing....let us know what happens....

I have sorted all the practicalities for you; make a loft 'conversion' with pull down ladder for your ds. It may not be strictly legal mind you, I don't know! But I think flooring the room and maybe having it skimmed shouldn't cost too much at all.

New baby (when on way!) will be in with you for six months perhaps? And could share a room with your dd when the time comes?

There, all sorted for you

Thanks Sunny! That is what will need to happen in the short to medium term. And then we are likely to have to move eventually.

My main worry aside from that is how a change in schools will affect him, when he starts taking his exam subjects after the summer holidays... But heck, I'm not doing anything now that is related to my qualifications. Mind you I never got my degree and have always felt that there were so many doors shut to me because I didn't have that all important certificate. I don't want him to risk his future.... i worry too much....

yes, a change of school is a big thing, I know why you're worrying. but many schools nowadays have a pretty organised 'transition' procedure so he should be supported all the way along.

I think it's very exciting, hope all goes well.

Thanks so much for your thoughts!