My dd (15) told me I mean nothing to her

[twinone]

She is rude, disrespectful and generally not a nice person.
She asked to stay over a friend's house tomorrow night. No was the answer. After much whying and whining I told to accept it was a no. What came back was "actually, I'm just letting you know, not asking your approval."
That level of rudeness side swiped me a bit and I told her that she wasn't grown and she wasn't able to make those decisions.
Her response "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to dad, you mean nothing to me!"
Poor dd(11) burst out crying and told her how horrible she was.
Unfortunately, I lost my temper at that point and bawled at her.
My dh and I have absolutely no idea how to deal with her.
Her disgusting attitude has been building for about 6 months. I am at the end of my tether.

I had seriously bad attitude from my ds - the heavier i clamped down, the worse it got, till he told me to fuck off one night and that he hated me.
He gone from being a lovely kid to being really unpleasant, everyone I asked about it said that's just the way teenagers are, you just have to wait for the stage to pass. Well I didn't wish to wait family like had gone from being calm to hell and I couldn't just give up. I started to read lots of parenting teen books and i quickly realised that I had not adjusted my parenting to deal with the new stage he was in.
Trying to exert control was not working and the attitude I got back was his way of saying back off but I wasn't listening. I learned how to treat him more like an adult, to be a good role model and not keep bickering, talk calmly, remind him that being rude to me was not acceptable but leaving it at that. Within 3 months ds commented to me that we hadn't fought in ages - he has learned to request space when he is getting annoyed - we have harmony back in our lives and it was me changing how I dealt with ds that made all the difference. There is another way - be a guide, be a role model, don't try to control their lives all the time, let them feel the weight of their decisions and their behaviour. "How to talk so that teens listen" and "Get out of my life but first take me and Alex to town" - are very accessible and I think help to reset your thinking and your parenting. I read loads of books about this and as I read I changed....some info wasn't applicable, but it made me feel more in control of myself - it gave me options that didn't involve me punishing him or shouting and it our our relationship back on track.

Oh green, I could have written the first part of your post.
I have some of those books, I need to go back and read them again.

On a totally tangential point, I wouldn't be happy having phones charging when everyone's asleep...