My family has been through a lot in the last 2 & 1/2 years. I have three children, twin girls at 18 and a son at 17. One of my girls became very ill in 2015, just as she was finishing her gcse's and required emergency brain surgery. I was married to their father for 17 and it was always rocky. I realised after my daughter's illness that he has all the hallmarks and symptoms of having narcissistic personality disorder and that we all suffered from his mental abuse throughout our life with him. After her surgery he became unbearable and somewhat unhinged with his abuse and targeting our daughter who was ill. That is a bit of background info...
I divorced him and forced him to move out in April of 2016. Shortly after that my son, 15 at the time, started giving me a hard time. Understandable with all he'd gone through. My girls struggled with all kinds of after effects of the abuse, and the one who was ill still has ptsd and a lot of complicated mental health issues surrounding anxiety and depression, but my son became aggressive, frightening and showed some violent tendencies, mostly toward my daughter who was ill.
He, I discovered after some time, was on all kinds of drugs, refused to go to school, but he played it off like he was ill all the time. I suspect he's struggling with depression also. I did everything I could to get him the support he needed, while I also supported both my other daughters, and myself (I also have issues with anxiety and depression). I was as reasonable with him as I could be and he did everything in his power to NOT comply. He did everything he could to get out of every responsibility he had.
It escalated to the point where I discovered he was planning to sell drugs from my house. I confronted him, it escalated and I had to make him move out. He stayed with his father for a night and then social services took care of him. He's currently living in a supported living accommodation for youth who cant go home.
He continued to do stupid sh!t until ... he ran out of money. His benefits stopped because he wasnt in school. Went weeks not knowing when his next meal was going to be. I had to financially help him out with buying food, because I couldnt see him starve. His father bought him cigarettes and visited him once in a blue moon. Playing like he was a good, loving father. I was no contact with his father because I just know what a mind fucking useless bastard he is, but for a time my son defended him and spent a small amount of time with him. Its since come out that he sexually abused our daughter when she was a toddler/young child (the one he was so horrible to after her brain surgery) and my son completely cut off contact.
My son just seems to let all the good opportunities pass in his life and he waits for the bad opportunities to jump on those. We started to rebuild our relationship again. I felt like I was getting my son back again. Then suddenly he stopped contacting me. I mean, the reconciliation was brief but I was hopeful. Its come to light that he's actually selling drugs now. He's not going to his class, which was required to keep getting his benefits.. and his housing benefit relies on him getting income support, which relies on him being in school.
Im at a point where I dont know what to do anymore. Ive exhausted myself trying to support him, emotionally, financially. Ive parented him, set boundaries, Ive been reasonable and fair and kind and stern and all of the above and then some. I am an American who married a Brit, living in Britian and I have no family here. I am desperately beside myself with regards to my son's decisions. He's been arrested in the last year, thankfully that was a case of mistaken identity. I fear it wont be the case next time with the choices he's making.
I dont know what to do anymore. Part of me wants to not give up. I want to continue to keep up some kind of relationship with him, but its one sided and he takes no notice of my advice. The other part of me feels the only real thing I can do is silently mourn the loss of my son to his poor life choices. Ive done everything. I have two other children who are just now starting to thrive, they are only just beginning to show small signs of recovery after all the years of mental abuse.
I cant give up on my son, but he wont let me be his mum. I miss him so much. I just miss him so much and Im beside myself with sadness...