Taking a 13year old to get contraception?

[Savethebadgers89]

Slightly long post, my apologies!

My aunt has a very laid back approach to parenting which consists of: feeding them, cleaning their rooms and washing their clothes and then expecting the child to 'get on with it'. This means, not spending time with her children, not taking them places, not talking to them about important issues, not taking an interest in their education and not putting boundaries in places because she "wants an easy life".

Her first child was taken away from her by social services when she was 15, her second child is in prison, her third child has had a neglected childhood but is now 18 and a very strong, resilient and intelligent young woman despite her circumstances.

The one I'm most concerned about is child number 4 out of 5, the 13 year old daughter.

After only being 13 for a couple weeks she began a relationship with a 15 year old boy and she's allowed to go straight from school to hanging out on the streets with him or whoever until 10 at night at which she returns home for dinner without her parents enquiring where she was or what she did. When she's not in the streets with him, he's either at her house in her bedroom all day with the bedroom door closed or at his house with all of his older brothers who we know nothing about. She has also been allowed to sleep over his house and go on camping holidays with his family who we know nothing about

The only reason she spends so much time with this boyfriend is because she receives zero attention at home, anyone in that situation would do the same thing and seek it out.

I have a list of concerns but my main one at the moment is her getting pregnant. Her mother had a child young and her mother also "loves babies" and wouldn't see it as damaging or a bad thing. It of course would ruin the daughters life however.

I've been trying to build a strong relationship with the 13 year old, she's a really kind little girl but she has developed a bad habit of compulsively lying. Like coming home with bleached hair and when asked by her parents saying "no I haven't dyed it" going to her room and the parents thinking it's funny.

I've been trying to lay the foundations of making her feel as comfortable as possible with me so I can be there incase anything happens but it's very difficult to make that connection. I take her places, we have fun but she won't really 'talk' with me because she's never really 'talked' with anyone and I don't want to push her away or make her feel uncomfortable.

I can see that this under age pregnancy is just around the corner, it's not a matter of 'if' but 'when'. And I won't forgive myself if I didn't at least try to stop it.

I'm planning on asking her if we can go to a contraception clinic together and discuss the idea of getting the implant which lasts for 3 years. This way she won't have to remember to take a pill and it's discreet so her parents don't have to know if she feels embarrassed which I know she will.

Do you agree with my plan to take her to the contraception clinic?
Has anyone else taken a very young person to get contraception before?
I just wanted to share and ask for advice before I make my move, I feel a bit out of my depth and I just want to do the right thing.

First pull your judgy pants down a little. There’s a perfectly reasonable question of whether to take your 13yo to a contraception clinic because you think her mother won’t do it herself, hidden under a mound of slagging off your aunt.

Yes take her. I don’t know what the consent issue is around implants, obviously the pill doesn’t require parental consent but I don’t know about implants.

Have the conversation and give your cousin advice. But for gods sake stop acting your like an angel sent from heaven.

No need to be so rude to the OP. She's explained exactly why she's worried, and any reasonable person would share her concerns about the way this young girl is being parented (or not parented).

Yes OP I agree with your plan. You might just want to look into Gillick competence as background knowledge.

Hang on a second though ThelastSoala if she didnt include all that she would be asked a hundred questions about why the mum can't do it and how she should keep her nose out etc . Then once she had explained how crap the mum was she would get accussed of " drip feeding ". You can't win here lately !

Yes OP in those circumstances sadly I would take her before its too late.

I don't think there is anything wrong with being judgmental here. A lot if people will start selfrighteously telling you off but who in their right mind wouldn't be secretly at least? There is nothing wrong with being open about it and it provides an important context. There is no way to relay these facts without someone thinking that you are being judgmental even though you could have toned it down.

On the note of what to do. Clearly her mother isn't going to do this for her so I agree that you should do it. It may make her feel less uncomfortable if you tell her that you started taking contraception when you were young (even if it's not true) and say something about it regulating periods or preventing acne or something so that she doesn't feel like she is admitting that she is having sex by accepting your offer. Make sure that it is very clear that you are not going to tell her mother and that you don't think that it any of your aunt's business. This sounds like a try awful situation, well done for doing something to try to protect her.

Okay - fair enough. I apologise OP.

Traviata- Thank you, I'm going to start investigating the Gillick Competence law now :)

Clevertoast- You've hit the nail on the head,I knew I'd immediately be told to "let the mother deal with it" if I didn't include background information, it's hard to judge how to phrase things on here! Haha

RestingGrinchFace- That's really useful advice, not to focus just on the pregnancy prevention benefits but offer some other incentives such as regulating periods and reduced acne. Fingers crossed I don't scare her away.

I'll remember in future to try and tone it down in future, I probably had some built up frustration seeping through!

My friend did exactly this for her step daughter. Basically said in a matter of fact way, you’ve got a boyfriend you need contraception, let’s get the implant so you don’t have to remember a pill. No forcing but not making it a big deal either.

Sorry but is someone did that to my DD I'd be absolutely fuming and anyway what dies the young lady want for herself, has she agreed to all this?

How about talking to her first about not having sex she didn't want..about only doing what she wants and not being pushed in to being sexually active before she's ready,and no one is ready forsex at age 13.. we just all assume all teenagers are having sex.,when actually they aren't.

She needs to be protected from sexually transmitted diseases too, so also needs condoms (and yes, OP, I think you are doing the right thing & are a lovely caring aunt).

You are absolutely doing the right thing - You are a caring and considerate aunt. Standing back and letting the parents take over is not an option because it won't happen. As you rightly state. he chances are the sooner or later your niece will end up pregnant at a young age. Whilst many MNetters will say that this isn't a problem and we shouldn't judge young mothers I would say spend a month as a teenage mother living on benefits and then tell me that you'd advocate this path for your daughters and / or nieces. Hope the appointment goes well.

Wow, that’s difficult OP

I think I’m your shoes I would want to help her too. I have no idea if a clinic would accept a relative taking her in or not?

Better to be on contraception than not, if she’s going down that route anyway. The aunt sounds awful. Hope that you can help (and ignore posters who think you’re judgy, if judging didn’t exist they’d be all sorts of shit going down).

OP - In an ideal world your cousin would not have sex until she was older but this is not an ideal world.

You say that your aunt lives babies but she doesn't seem to give her children the attention they need once they are older.

If your cousin had a baby now, I think if would be so hard for her and I think that you are trying to do the best for her.

I think that you seem like a lovely caring cousin.

You’re doing the right thing IMO.

I was told I had to be on the pill for 3 months before getting the implant so bear in mind you might have to make two trips.

But what is the law with regards to this? A 13 year old having sex with a 15 year old is illegal. Would the family planning people have a responsibly to inform the parents / social care?
Could an adult taking a child for contraceptives be considered to be complicit in underage sex?

Here are some links about contraception and under 16s -

patient.info/doctor/contraception-and-young-people

www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Sexandyoungpeople/Pages/Gettingcontraception.aspx

www.sexualhealthnetwork.org.uk/the-case-for-providing-under-16s-with-contraceptive-implants/

No, an adult who ensures that a young person gets appropriate contraceptive advice can't be complicit in underage sex, because contraception doesn't cause sex.

OP another pp made a good point about discussing with your cousin that she doesn't have to do anything she isn't sure about, nobody should be making her do anything, etc. But from what you've said you might need to get her down to the clinic first and then try to develop your relationship with her so that you can have a conversation like that about her sense of self worth.

Parsley- I'll try and keep it matter of fact too, makes sense!

Twunting- yes there's lots of conversations I'd really like to have with her regarding consent etc, after I approach the contraception I'll try and ease into that conversation too.

Poisioned - thank you and yes I'll make it clear that extra protection is required and try and explain more about STD's (I've no idea how much she knows about anything).

Namechange- Any child having sex under 16 is technically illegal but prosecutions or interventions are not used for consenting children of similar age both under 16. Only if the age gap is above 4 years or the child is under 13. I'm not sure what happens when the boy turns 16 and she's 14? Although I don't think being told off for having consensual sex at that point would do anything positive, it's very tricky :(

Persiancat- Thank you, they're really handy I'll have a look now :)

Thanks for all the support and advice, it's been really helpful and reassuring.

I’ll add that while my friend did everything she could (practical and emotional) when the implant came out to be changed, the step daughter fell pregnant. It sounds like a similar situation the mother likes babies and had her first very young. The daughter modelled that behaviour meaning my friend has a grandchild and child much the same age.
I’m not bashing young mothers btw, I truly believe that age has very little to do with a mothers ability. Stability though makes the whole world of difference to how bloody hard it is.
What I’m saying is try and hammer home the message. Also she should have a healthy fear of stds.

Do you know for sure that they are having sex? Yes, it's likely, but it is also possible that they are not and won't be.

Also, is there any risk (and this is my ignorance) that the implant could cause any medical issues: in other words, could a situation arise where the parent would need to know about it? I understand about Ghillick competent, but this doesn't actually sound like her exercising competency so much as about your telling her what to do. So are there any wider issues you might need to consider first?

You sound lovely, OP. She's lucky to have you in her corner.

Perhaps the sensible 18 year old sister could also talk to her about issues relating to consent. A neglected 13 year old is a prime candidate for coercion as others have said.

Yes please take her! Once there good practice is for the child to be seen alone. If she has capacity to understand the pros and cons of contraception then the decision is hers. Most 13 year olds have this capacity.
They will assess the relationship to check your niece is not being exploited. But if the relationship is consensual nothing would be taken further.
I work in Sexual Health and always discuss the advantages of delaying sex and the fact that even if you are Sexual active doesn't mean you have to continue.

Sounds like you are a fabulous cousin!