DS yr 11 total disaster

[ManateeEquineOHara]

For a fair while now DS has been underachieving across all subjects except English. He should be getting grades 6/7/8 but is instead working at 3/4ish. He is failing to do hw or revise, is disengaged in lessons, and failing to accept help.

Last week his maths teacher asked him to stay behind so she could explain something to him and on the bell he ran out of the lesson!

The week before he truanted in drama (prev one of his best subjects) because he hadn't completed coursework.

Today I was supposed to be meeting with him and the head of year. I arrived at the school to be told he had left his lesson to attend the meeting but hadn't arrived. I had a chat with the HoY and we were pretty much in agreement on strategies - talk to English teacher, what engages him so well in English, build a timetable of support in the study centre with a mentor etc, all supportive stuff with the idea of helping. Still no sign of DS. After about 20 mins the HoY went to try and find him. Came back 5 mins later to tell me he had been hiding in a toilet cubicle, I thought DS was going to mope into the room, but no - apparently he opened the door to the cubicle and 'bolted'. The HoY said no student has ever done that before.

I really don't know what to do! I am going to remove all his electrical stuff, PS, TV from his room until he has shown he will go to, and engage with, the study centre. School are putting him in external exclusion tomorrow. None of these punishments will address the problem of what the fuck is going on in his head though. I know he is quite emotionally immature and will disengage quite easily but this is ridiculous. Hoping for some advice from wise MNers...?

Thanks, yes, a maths resit is the last thing he wants! I assume he went to the study centre yesterday, he told me he did although I didnt get home until after he did so I don't know for certain. Will follow up with school.

You have had good advice here. Encouragement/support/reward going to study sessions. Small steps. Every little helps. There is time still for him regain lost ground.

If you do have time to help him, focus on three or four subjects rather than trying to do them all. Has he got the revision guides? (You may be able to get a subsidy on them as a single parent - our school uses the pupil premium to do that.)

Assume that he has mocks coming up before or after Christmas? Start gently preparing him for them by reminding him they are often used to show how tough the exams can be, so to do some revision over the holidays - an hour a day? 2 x 40 mins a day? - but not to be put off it he doesn't get brilliant grades yet. He has 6 months to put things right.

Any chance you could organise lifts for your dd to dance occasionally and then you can let your son know that you will be there for him one evening a week, that he can revise for 40 mins then you can test him/help him for 20 mins?

Too ambitious, FreshStart.

OP might just about might be able to create a space where he's willing to tell her some things on his mind. That will be a good achievement.

That's a step away from "I'll let mum convince me of anything" and more steps away from "I'm willing to try at school" never mind "I'm willing to team up with my mum to get some revision done."

Yes unfortunately that is too ambitious, if he was revising an hour a day there would be no issue whatsoever and he would be flying through! He does just absolutely shut down when pressured at all (having read another post, and as something I have often wondered about him, I do question whether he is on the autistic spectrum) My aim at the moment is that he attends and engages with the study centre.

Unfortunately I can't lift share for daughter's dance as we live in another town to the dance school. She goes to a CAT on Sundays and has a lift share for today though :) DS will be at work today. He works at a cafe and I did think about whether that should stop to focus on schoolwork but he loves his job and his employer is always saying how great he is! At least he has a good employment reference! If he finished there it would not be as if he would be using that time to study anyway.

Luckily he seems to be a bit happier this weekend, he worked on some English (his only fave subject!) and even showed it off to me!

My other strategy is to clean his room! I know that sounds a bit OT but I think being in that pit is not helping.I have left it to him on the whole and that has not worked, I am not going to make a big deal of it but will just do some basic cleaning.

Haven't heard back from the school about how the study centre went last week so my tentative optimism is sort of on hold until I know he actually did engage.

Bollocks.

Just had email from school to say he didn't go to the Study Centre on Friday.

He said he did with absolute apparent truthfulness which worried me more than anything.

FFS. He has also kept the bus fare I gave him.

So pleased he showed off the English, I hope you got super enthusiastic & happy for him.

You've got to confront him with the lie.
I wouldn't bother getting angry, very calmly ask him why he lied & why he didn't go. Calm asking until he produces some kind of answer. It's mostly an exercise in patient listening, creating a void that he fills with some words until he seems relaxed about what he's saying (which means it's close to the truth). I promise you he wants to talk about it. Go from there, looking for gentle ways to help him turn up, with half a mind towards ways you will leverage him turning up if you have to resort to that.

Try to have hope. My former truant/bolshy kid is now 18, paying for his own driving lessons & planning to buy us all Xmas presents. But I remember having your stress well.

At some point, after he has definitely run out of words, and maybe hours later, go with the line: "Please let me help you plan how you won't have to risk a resit" might be successful.

Stop & listen at any point if he's willing to talk, unless it means short-changing other DC of their time or making you unacceptably late to work, even if he suddenly feels like a chat at 11:30pm & you're desperate for a sleep, or it means tea will be late; in which case you might cut the time short a bit, to be fair. Grit your teeth & be the person who listens. Raising teens is like dealing with toddlers in terms of inconvenient demands.

The more you write the more I suspect something is underneath this, to fall from achievement= 6-7-8 to 3-4. You're looking for a way to create the void that lets his worries bubble to the surface.

Remember to polish your pretend Parenting Sainthood Halo. Wear it like it's real.

Thanks, this evening it also emerged he has been lying about going to after school climbing. What really, really worries me is when he spins these lies he does it as if he believes this alternative reality he is describing.

Your DS clearly finds his English teacher accessible. Why not ask the school to get them to mentor him? I mentor a Y11 boy who is struggling in most subjects and he does catch-up in my room after school each day. He knows I have a high opinion of him and since we started in Nov he has caught up in Graphics and History. We do this a lot at my school and it works well.

Yes, the HoY was going to ask the English teacher what they think works for DS, but that is a really good suggestion. She is already mentoring him pretty informally, it sounds like she gives him tons of encouragement which he seems to thrive on.

He truanted his twilight lesson today (it was his decision in yr 9 to take an extra GCSE!), there was no real reason either, he just said he saw other people who take the subject leaving at the end of the day so assumed it wasnt on and just got on the bus home! This is exactly the reason why his teachers tend to think he doesn't care/is the ultimate in laziness etc!"

Tomorrow he is supposed to go to the study centre. It is also his birthday tomorrow so rather than spend the evening waiting for a public bus afterwards I said I would collect him from the study centre. It also serves the purpose of monitoring it all. I really hope he does go.

As a teacher and parent I feel so sorry for Y11 boys. So many of them are incredibly concerned but less able to articulate it to parents/staff/peers. Today I gave back mock papers to one of my Y11. A boy, who is under CAHMS, was shocked he had done so well on section A of the paper, he ran out of the time on section B. He came back at Break and Lunch to check it was correct. Finally convinced he left at the end of lunch and said "thanks Miss, you made my year, hope the rest of the day is good for you". It made my year!

If he loves his job at the cafe, why not look at catering courses for him or hospitality ot leisure, travel and tourism. My son is young for the year, didn't do well at GCSE because although he did work, and concepts and knowledge is fine, something very odd happens to him in exams. He managed last year to fail the easiest exam in the world - he turned over two pages at once! He did fly the retake thought. He is at college now. He had to do btech 2 courses last year and is now on level 3. It's been the making of him. My previously 'just fail or scrape pass except for Drama' boy is now getting Distinctions. I don't have to do anything now college related.

I would give A levels a miss. Your son is scared. Show him alternatives - look at apprenticeship schemes. Education can wait. The most important thing is your relationship with him.

Teenagers often feel that they have no autonomy between school and parents. Remind him that what he is doing is making choices about his own life and the adult he wants to become with his actions, not punishing you and the teachers. Ask him: OK, so if you choose not to do A Levels, what is your plan of action? What route will you take to employment and supporting yourself?

Y11s are under terrible pressure at school, especially while everybody is still trying to get to grips with all the new specifications. Most teachers can’t hide their own panic very well and transfer it to their students.

Your son needs to sit down with somebody who will talk him through how well he is doing. The new GCSEs are much harder than the old ones, and pupils are massively underperforming everywhere. Your ds is not the only one by far!

I wouldn’t overwhelm him with massive revision schedules, break it down day by day and emphasise progress and what he can do.

You seem to be doing a lot of running round for your daughter and with your work and other commitments you’re leaving him to decide if he goes to the study centre or other activities only finding out he didn’t after.
Is this fair that your daughter takes up so much of your time ? Might he think you don’t care?

It’s concerning he’s making up elaborate lies about what he is doing.

My son is younger, he is choosing his options this year. He has additional needs and I am already thinking that I am going to focus on helping him get 5 GCSEs.
Would it be an option to speak to him about working really hard on 5 of them and less on the others? It is all so overwhelming for them and the pressure is ridiculous.
Has anyone suggested a referral for CAMHS?
Hope things get better soon. You must be so worried