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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Family breakdown

21 replies

Squirrel4 · 04/12/2017 09:15

My autistic grandson has been thrown out of home by my daughter, he is now living with me. It is a very complicated and long story but please bare with me because I really could use some advice.

My daughter (35) and I have had a strained relationship since I met my partner 8 years ago. She hstes him and has tired everything she can to split us up. It came to a head in the summer of this year when my partners mother became seriously ill and I had to go and stay with her for 3 months to look after her, (my partner is disabled as am I but there was nobody else to look after her and between us we sort of muddled through) . My daughter decided to cut me out of her life because she felt I put his mother before her.

Fast forward 6 months after her trying to cause as much conflict as possible (another story) she has decided to throw out her 16 yr old son saying that he can come and live with me. Of course I can't let him go into care because he would not cope in that environment. However, as I have said I am disabled, my partner has to be with his mother 45 min drive away and I have to stay close to my grandsons school. I now have to look after my grandson alone and my relationship will no doubt suffer.

How can I heal the rift between my grandson and his mother? Remembering my daughter refuses to talk to me. My grandson is saying he never wants to go back home, my daughter is adamant he will not be allowed back him. Does anyone know where I can get some kind of help?

Thanking you in advance for any replies

OP posts:

Original poster

Squirrel4 · 04/12/2017 09:15

I apologise for typos but hope you can understand

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endofthelinefinally · 04/12/2017 09:18

I think this is a situation where you do need to contact social services.
You have a mix of vulnerable people with disabilities caring for other people also vulnerable with disabilities.
You are entitled to help and support.

Original poster

Squirrel4 · 04/12/2017 09:28

Social services will not help with my partners mother all the time her is helping and of course he will not leave her. I may well have to contact social services about my grandson but as I have said there is absolutely no way he would cope in the care system so I am obviously reluctant to do that. I know this is going to affect my health too, this situation is so hard. I want to do right by my grandson, he is hurt, confused and anxious at the moment and I am trying very hard to keep him from meltdown.

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Original poster

Squirrel4 · 04/12/2017 09:30

That is as will not help all of the time my partner is helping.

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PilarTernera · 04/12/2017 09:41

Contacting social services doesn't automatically mean your gs will go into care. There may be other support they can offer you or your grandson.

Have you contacted his school? They may also be able to offer him some support.

endofthelinefinally · 04/12/2017 09:41

Di you mean that your partner has had a carer's assessment and has been found to not need any support or help?

endofthelinefinally · 04/12/2017 09:43

I wasnt suggesting your gs should go into care. Just that you need some support as you are his carer and also have disabilities.

TheBakeryQueen · 04/12/2017 09:44

Like the previous poster said contact social services for help with your grandson. They won't take him away but should be able to support you in caring for him for now.

Sounds like such a tough situation.

Original poster

Squirrel4 · 04/12/2017 09:53

My partners mother has been assessed and we have been told no help would be available as he us looking after her.

I agree it's all a recipe for disaster which is why I was hoping for some reconciliation between my grandson and his mother. There is also the fact that if I contact social services my daughter will seriously never talk to me again and I do hope at some point to be reconciled with her. She us my daughter above anything else.

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Original poster

Squirrel4 · 04/12/2017 09:55

Why does my is always come out as us lol but I hope you understand the typo

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endofthelinefinally · 04/12/2017 10:57

Sorry to labour the point but your partner's mother's assessment is a completely different thing to a carer's assessment for you and your partner.
It is the carer's assessment that is really important here. The assessment of the needs of the person doing the caring, not the the person who needs the care.
I don't really know how I can explain it better.
Search for carer's assessment on your local government website.
It is very common for people with disabilities to care for relatives with disabilities. My parents cared for each other for years. One was deaf, the other was blind.
They were both entitled to attendance AND carers allowance, a designated social worker and various other local and voluntary support.
But you have to ask.

Original poster

Squirrel4 · 04/12/2017 11:15

I see, I understand now. Sorry if I was being thick, i am very tired and stressed.

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endofthelinefinally · 04/12/2017 12:34

You are not thick.
Nobody official will tell you these things.
I hope you manage to get some support.

Original poster

Squirrel4 · 04/12/2017 13:08

Thank you, I have been trying to find somewhere that will act as mediator between them but there isn't anyone. I tried professional mediators but they tend to just deal with divorce etc. But if I manage to find someone I will have to get my grandson and daughter to agree to mediation... Oh my! What a mess.

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helpmum2003 · 05/12/2017 07:38

Squirrel4
I'm so sorry to hear this. I agree you should ask SS for help. Your dd isn't talking to you anyway and it sounds as if she is manipulative. Your responsibility is you and your gs. Good luck.

Original poster

Squirrel4 · 06/12/2017 12:35

Thank you for your reply helpmum, I have contacted my grandsons support teacher at school and she is trying to organise a meeting between my daughter, hetself and my grandson to see if they can work through it. Unfortunately this was offered to her previously and she refused it. I am hoping that the school can change her mind and she will at least agree to a meeting. I don't really hold out much hope but I am keeping my fingers crossed. I really don't mind having him a couple of days a week to ease the problems between them but it's getting physically hard for me. He is a good lad for me but it's the extra cooking, cleaning etc that I am finding difficult due to my disabilities.

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helpmum2003 · 06/12/2017 17:11

Hope you make some progress Squirrel4 xx

Original poster

Squirrel4 · 10/12/2017 11:47

No progress, things have got worse. I am having a massive flare of the painful condition I live with (Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy in all four limbs and back). My partner is barely talking to me and the school support worker has not telephoned be back despite me leaving messages to please call me back. I feel so alone in this...

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Original poster

Squirrel4 · 22/12/2017 07:23

Feel so sad, there is no help out there for grandparents in my situation. His mother has not even included him in any part of her Christmas plans, I feels very rejected. She is making plans to go abroad for a lovely family holiday in the New Year, again he isn't being included.

The school eventually called me back and told me they had a meeting with her a few weeks ago and she agreed to an outside organisation called 'Early Help' to come in to act as mediators between them both with the view to getting him back home. The school organised this as an emergency and all she had to do was sign the papers to get the ball rolling, she failed to sign them...

My health is deteriorating, my physiotherapist wanted to try to get me admitted into an inpatient pain clinic but I had to refuse because I need to be there for my grandson.

My relationship is suffering badly, we hardly see each other now and when we do for some reason we are just snapping at each other instead of bring pleased to see each other, we are becoming like strangers...

I really feel like writing a letter to my daughter explaining that as far as I am concerned my grandson is here to give her breathing space to sort herself out NOT so she can have a lovely time having an extravagant Christmas and holidays abroad without him.

I don't understand, he is respectful and kind. He gets up for school everyday and stays out of trouble... I just don't understand why...

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Jellybean85 · 22/12/2017 07:54

Yes but there is help, sorry but I work in social care and find this very frustrating. There is help available but you won't contact social services.
Of
Course they wouldn't hurry your grandson off to care there are far more children than beds so why would they move him if he is safe with you.
Your daughter already stopped talking to
You and abandoned her responsibilities as a parent so stop thinking about her and think of your grandson!! Is he going to end up being your carer?

In our team I've seen lots of
Varied packages of Home help put in, sorry but you're coming across a bit of a martyr right now. Of course school aren't going to be able to do
Much this time of year.

Please put yours and your daughters feelings aside and for the sake of your grandson get help from the professionals

Original poster

Squirrel4 · 22/12/2017 08:47

I would never expect my grandson to become my carer, not in a million years. I have carers that come in and help me with bathing etc but I do not expect them to do the extra work that looking after another person entails.

My fear about contacting social services is that if I do my daughter will dig her heels in further and never accept him back. She has already voiced how she would never forgive my grandson and I if social services become involved. She WILL keep to her word and all the time there is a chance of reconciliation I do not want to rock the boat.

I am aware the school have done everything they can for now and I hope that in the new year they can encourage her to sign the papers and get the ball rolling to get the help they need and he can go home.

Yes, I am aware she is 'holding a gun to my head' so to speak and is being very manipulative but I am trying to look at the bigger picture here not just the here and now. My ideal resolution would be my daughter accepts the help she needs and they are reconciled and he can go home to be with his siblings. Of course if my daughter voices that she will definitely not sign the papers I will have to get social services involved.

I think her fear is that if social services become involved they will take her other children away from her. She has a 3 yr old autistic son and a 12 yr old girl. My daughter has always suffered from mental health issues and before she cut me out of her life when she had an episode I was always there to do the mummy thing and go in there and support her until she came out the other side. However now I am not able to do that she has had no proper recovery time (if that makes sense) and is on the edge and she fears losing her other kids. This is why I desperately want her to get help for all of them not just the grandchild living with me.

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