How to cope with 19 yr old son - social life is priority

[dancerdog]

This morning we are at the end of our tether. Our 19 yr old son strolled in at 7.30 am this morning, having gone out at 3 pm on Saturday for a well - known pub crawl in our city. No texts until 3 am this morning to say he was staying with a friend. He had agreed he would be in touch so that we knew how things were going. This follows on from being out all of Friday night and getting up at 1.30 pm - then out at 3 pm as already mentioned.

I know this sounds like a teenager kind of thing, but we cannot bear much more, the wondering where he is (he got punched and retaliated on Friday night) Basically he sleeps all day at the weekend, getting over hangovers x 2. We don't ask for any financial contribution. The house is really an hotel, and we have had so many conversations about this.

He is pissing his money and time up against a wall, he has to be the last one at every event he is at, always finding another party to go on to - he was at 4 events one night a few weeks ago.

Also we are concerned that he will lose his grip on his uni studies.

We can't sleep for worry.

And we are thinking of saying if he doesn't agree to house rules, he will have to find somewhere to stay in January. We know that the flip side of this will be that he uses even more money on rent, goes out even more, and loses a grip of his uni studies.

Please tell me how you have dealt with this kind of situation if it has happened to you. We love our son dearly, but this really coming to an ultimatum. Please help if you can.Thanks

I was like that at his age.
I’d like to say “it didn’t do me any harm” but it did.
Didn’t get as good a degree as I should have and limped over the line. Completely skint (and this is in the days before fees) , when I graduated I bounced around temp jobs and pratted about for another year or 2 and unfortunately my parents indulged it. Ended up 24, skint in a crap job and living at home before I refrained and sorted myself out, I regret that the good job I’m in now age 36 I could have been doing at 27/28 if I’d been given a firm kick up the arse.

Was going to say should say “retrained” but refrained is actually equally as applicable !

At his age he should really be living away from home. It's incredibly liberating not knowing what's going on!

If he lives with others in student flats etc then they won't have the money that he currently has for drinking etc.

The only thing I would be wary of is of him getting payday loans. I was watching a programme a while ago where people were just texting a number and the money was going into their account - even if it was in the middle of the night. That's the main thing that would worry me in his situation.

He's 19 so I think all you can really do is say 'we can't stand living like this any more' and ask him to move out. Yes he may fuck things up uni-wise but as a pp said, at least his drinking budget will be slashed by rent. I would say all the things that are worrying you but ultimately he needs to grow up and he's a bit more likely to do that if he's fending for himself.

I was like this as a student but I lived away from home so my parents didn’t know so it was fine. I think you need to give an ultimatum, live by your rules or move into student accommodation. There’ll be rooms coming up after Christmas as some students will go for the holidays and choose not to come back.

Thank you for your replies.
annandale - we have said this already, and even thought we had made a breakthrough in the last few weeks, where he only went out once in 2 weekends.

There's always a back story, isn't there? Last December, despite promising that he would never do drugs, he had a bad LSD trip which resulted in him going missing, causing criminal damage and ended up in hospital - taken there by police with a wound that needed stitches. He was offered a fine last week in place of being charged which he took, but his will be on record for 2 years. So my heart is now in my mouth that he will get involved in a breach of the peace or worse again, and will end up with a record.
So 'out of sight out of mind' have its appeal in many ways, but not all.

If this had been his second year at uni I would have been keen to get him into a flat But he started a uni course last year, then left as it wasn't for him, which was OK. However, he only picked up some small part time irregular work and stayed in bed for a lot of the time otherwise, so I feel that he has not matured into uni yet, despite his age. He is now up, and has gone out to get breakfast. We will have the talk later.

It doesn't sound like he can stay living at your house if you can't stop yourselves from worrying about him, and you sure as heck can't make him change his lifestyle.

Or maybe you could if you offered him money or another incentive.

At 19 I think you really need to let go and he needs to move out. At his age I was starting uni and staying out all night frequently - it was a wonderful time ib my life mistakes and all.

He is an adult now - you can't keep him close and watch over hin like this. Either he moves out or you need to really let go.

I did what I wanted vy this age I really cant imagine getting in trouble for staying out until 7am. It's normal student behaviour

I was like this at 19 too, my parents really had backed off - mostly I got home by 4am but often we'd go to someone's house for more partying and I'd stumble home around 8am...but that was the holidays mum didn't see how bad I was at Uni...everyone partied like that - well everyone we knew! It's probably better for him to move out.