Advice desperately needed!!!Don't know what to do.:-(

[koonelly]

Sorry if a bit longwinded but need to outline complicated scenario! My ds is 18, i have 4 other sons 2 other teens from my first marriage and 2 little ones from this marriage.Up til about a year ago he seemed a quiet, intelligent albeit lazy young man. He spent a lot of time gaming but as he was also involved in local youth and church groups it wasn't a problem. He has always had a few problems as he is dsypraxic and this effected his speech when little and confidence as well as huge impact on his organisation.However schoolwork always easy to him so never put in any effort. He started college 2 years ago and soon changed, could never get him up out of bed, even if didn't start til 2pm! After first year he dropped out as had bad results after doing nothing for his exams. After deciding he didn't want to live with us anymore as home rather cramped he move to fathers in london to try to get a job. This he has failed miserabley at. He has no friends or real life in london and won't go out but stays gaming or an computer most of the time unlessed forced out. He does have old college 'friends' here that he talks to online and comes down to see, but all effort on his part as they never contact him. His real old friends from school, church, youth groups he seems to have nothing but complete distain for! His father and step mum are now getting completely fed up with him for many of the same reasons that he ended leaving us ( not getting up, lazy, dirty smelly and scruffy, talking down to them) He is intelligent and seems to treat any form of advice or support from his family with complete distaste. He is coming home more regularly to us now and has spent about half the last month here, but we still have all same problems. I can't get him up, he won't wash and is not motivated at all. I feel we all need help but don't know what to do. He refuses to see there is a problem, is quiet happy with scenario and spending all time sleeping, on computer or consoles. He disrupts everybody here, provokes arguments with brothers and step father. If he needs to do anything i need to contactly remind or nag him or it just gets forgotten but he is my son and i want to help him and don't know what to do!

Also what make it worse is all his old freind are currently getting offers from uni and he basicly at home unemployable.

hope you get some good advice - haven't reached this stage yet with my children (oldest is nearly 13).

What does your son feel about more vocational or fun training courses - ie gardening, music production, voluntary work overseas, or IT courses - web design etc, as he likes computers. Something shorter term than a 3 year uni course with more immediate job prospects.

It's not uncommon for teenagers to drop out of the education system for a while is it? It doesn't mean he will never want to go back.

Also, what happens if you present some options to him? if he is demotivated about makeing general and big decisions about what to do with his life, helping him break things down into manageable chunks could be the way to go. If your suggestions area short term ones, it won't be as if he is making a life long decision by saying yes to any of them.

Anyway I have waffled long enough. Hope you get some good advice from other mumsnetters.

i seriously think you need to sit down and have a discussion - you may think you have already done this - but i think the way i which we communicate much affects what is being communicated.

off the cuff comments about being lazy as he is getting out of bed - for instance - is not a discussion on hi lazyness iyswim.

so i am thinking a sit down round a table.

point out that he cant sit around forever. and that he is now an adult and needs to contribute to whatever household he is living in.

small steps - as it sounds like he is in a rut.

firstly you need to discuss calmly what to aim for and how to get there. calmy say that you must decide on a college or apprenticeship option or he will have to work part time at tesco.

not working isnt an option - and both sets of parents need to agree this and be fucking rock solid firm.

as tigermoth says, maybe uni isn't for him. maybe even if he is hugley intelligent traditional learning methods are not the way to go?

my son is 17. he works for a building firm and goes to college one day a week. this is a building apprentice NVQ.

he gets paid approx £180 per week. he is lucky we realise this. he works hard for his money.

he hates getting up in a morning - but y' know what makes him go to work - the money

why? well becuase we just cant afford the trainers he wants, the clothes he wants, the social life he wants.

it may be that having a disposable income may encourage your son ? ad an apprenticeship is an income with a qualification and hope for better tings in the future - so much better than an income rom tesco for instance - where all you can see for your future is tesco kwim?

seriously think all parents need to encourage a social life. and therefore you are engaging them in a consumerism - for which they understand they will need money.

now

who buys these games? my other son is 14. he can barely tolerate playing and completing the same game twice.

if your son wants new games who buys them?

well he can't he has no money.

you shouldnt - its like buying an alchoholic a drink and complaining that they are an alchoholic!!

now

who buys the boy other stuff?

think about the small things. he needs more than a bed and food. the odd chocolate bar, the fizzy drink etc?

there seriously needs to be a get a job mentality

if i were you in tandem with the talk/tesco/apprenticeship

i would take away the games system.

or break it.

he will need money for another - how will he get that?

i think custy's advice is great, and it echos tigermoth, which is breaking the problem down into manageable chunks.

Some tough love is needed perhaps... good luck...he is in a rut and in the end will probably be grateful for the shove?

Thanks Custy, tigermoth and dolally. I have tried suggesting the more vocational courses to him, but to be honest, not sure whether just dyspraxia or just him, he is terrible at most practical things! Just wont try. He is into philosophy and seems to take ideas that he reads about or that some of his more way out friends say literally! However his freinds may spout some idealistic ideals they do actually conform when necessary i.e. do smarten up when needed and have jobs, college.He wont smarten up, refuses too, says that he would be a liar and a hypocrite if he changes to apply for job. (this includes bulking out or enhancing his cv at all) He just doesn't seem to realise things are different in real world. He won scholarship to a private school and has been quite protected in life!

As for the games and computer, he moved to his dads when i threatened to take away all power cables! He doen't actually buy any games but gets them off internet as has modified consoles!

Tried sitting and asking what drives him, wouldn't he like money of his own ( we are on very limited disposable income with 5 kids!)Just doesn't seem to drive him, he happy with his dole money! When he does go out as most of freinds are students all that they do is go sit on beach or up a hill and share what they can afford!

Currently he is working on his own real life rpg gaming system (like D&d) and seems to think that will develop into his lifetime acheivement. I've tried telling him very niche market and very lucky if anything comes of it, but don't want to put down only thing he enthusiastic about.

Sorry to waffle on! Think need to gat to gather with ex and try a combined front as his lifestyle is lot more comfortable at fathers, he has big house not living on tight budgat as we are, trouble is when he turns up here with holes in trainers and trousers i can't help but go get him some even when can't afford to.

Is it possible he's depressed?

I'm so sorry for you, it must be v. worrying and sorry I can't add anything, but you've had some good guidance on here, esp. Custy.

Hope the situation improves over time.

Agree that it could be depression. And it sounds like his indecision has paralysed him - up till now, he's been at school and college (sixth form college I assume) and his future has been laid out for him.

Now he's on his own, and has to choose what university course or job to follow and it's too much choice. Do you think he is comparing himself to his friends and feels he is not as good as them so can't make the choices they are making (ie university)? You say he had a confidence problem. I suppose you and his father need to think of ways to build his confidence. A lot easier said than done.

The economic disadvantages of not having much disposable income will get worse and worse with time - as some point he is bound to see something he wants to buy and can't afford. Some bit of computer equipment perhaps? Or he might want to go somewhere that costs money, or he meets a girl he likes and needs money to go out. I think the tough love methods that custy outlines are really good. Would it help if you could somehow motivate him to want something he can't afford, if only to get him thinking about finding a job to pay for it?

Does he have any income? Any social contact with anyone? and - have you seriously considered the possibility that he may have, or may still be using drugs? I have learned the hard way that cannabis is cheap, easily available and rife - even in so called "good" schools. The stuff that is around these days is much stronger and a lot nastier than 30 years ago. Even one or two tries can trigger depression or serious mental health problems in susceptible individuals, which persist after they have stopped taking it. Have you talked to your GP? Whatever the cause, he does sound as if he needs assessment by someone who is medically qualified as he sounds depressed.

He does sound down in himself. Maybe he could be smoking cannabis. My son smoked cannabis around 3 years ago and he was affected in a similar way?