13 year old DD friendship woes

[LeoTimmyandVi]

Hi,

Just after some advice or reassurance. DD is my first teenager so all new ground for me!

Daughters tutor group at school is very boy heavy with only 6 girls. She is friends with all of them but closer with 1 girl, L.

I can’t work out what level of falling out, being nasty and then making up is normal for this age group. DD and L seem to pootle along ok and then a series of big fallouts and tears followed by a period of calm.

I find it hard to know what to say, as know that my advice isn’t taken on board - not that I think she should blindly follow what I say!

For example L calls for DD on a Tues and Weds morning to walk to school. It is becoming later and later that she calls and she only wants to walk with DD not other friends. I think she is purposely trying to marginalise my daughter and worry what would happen if there was a big fall out and DD left with no friends. So I encourage DD to just walk with her other friends - but then DD worries this friend will freeze her out at school and within the tutor group.

It is such a hard line for me to walk - any advice from those who have been through it?

Thank you

I also have a 13 year old DD and my best advice is don't get over involved.

I mean that nicely...it's so easy to get anxious about them isn't it?

But the things you're mentioning here are so miniscule and part of her journey into adulthood...learning about the pitfalls of friendships is a lesson we all have to take.

I advise my DD's (other one is 9) in a general way when the conversation allows. I'll say things like "It's best not to join in with meaness" or "Try to be friendly to everyone"

These periods of difficulty are like the weather...the clouds arrive, it rains...then it's sunny again. Then it rains...there might be a storm...but the sun always comes out again.

I dont have a teenager but that same thing happend to me at school. One girl i became friends with then didnt want me to hang round with anyone else and was so jelous if I talked to any of my other friends she wouldn’t speak to me. Some days id come into school and shed have made all the rest of the girls in our little group not speak to me either so i spent days on my own. She controlled our grouo for two years and i was miserable, even though my mam could see what was happening i didnt listen to her, she even went to the school wich made things worse as this girl was really nasty to me after that. I think one day i just realised that she wasnt a person i wanted to hang round with i made new friends and ignored her completely she didnt even try to bother me. Tell her about my experience and how i suffered at school for two years and inreslly wish i listend to my mam, she doesn’t have to ignore her altogether just distance herself a bit so she doesnt end up eating lunch alone like me! This is now happening to my 7yo! Girls are just bitchy lol hope this helps a bit.

Ah thank you both - that is reassuring.

Cheapsausagesandspam - you are quite right, and I do my very best to distance myself as then they make up again and I am the bad guy! I do try and reassure her that this will pass and is part of the ups and downs of friendship. I am also a lone parent so don’t really have any other adult I can talk to about it to remind me this is normal!

Kbeeb1992 - thank you for sharing your story, I am sure it happened to me at school too but that was 28 years ago and my memory is hazy ! I even offered to speak to her tutor but know in my heart that it won’t help - she will need to navigate her own path!

Not been through it and out the other side yet but am going through it currently. I also have a 13 year old girl. I think what you describe is fairly standard for their age. I had it where my daughter was walking In a group to school and some days she was phoning me saying 2 of them were still in Sainsbury's or one hadn't turned up. I have said to have a time limit. Whoever is there/not there, start walking up the high street by 7.50 regardless and say "catch me up" if necessary.
The general makings up and fallings out I now take with a pinch of salt.
I have really had to take a step back because in retrospect I used to try to solve my daughter's ups and downs all the time and it really wasn't helping her and ended up driving me mad.
Often I'm like a sounding board that she vents to but she doesn't actually want my advice. If I say anything I will keep it short "you realise this will all blow over by next week", "Oh dear, bad day but I don't think that is worth cutting your nose off to spite your face" etc.
Your sentence about them all falling out, being nasty and making up followed by a period of calm sounds very familiar.

cheapsausages has said it better than me but I share the same sentiment.

Thanks if catscouldtalk - it is good to hear from someone in the middle of it as well. I think being a soothing sounding board is the way forward for me as well - I hate it when people try and solve my problems in stead of listening! I need to take my own advice !

In the meantime I am sure we will come out of in one piece at some point - maybe sometime around 2024 !

That's it...all we can do is be a constant, calm presence in their lives.

Threads like this can be refreshing. I work in an office with some people that have had "perfect children" that never have downs, just constant ups, so you just don't get these conversations .
Leo 2024 . Day at a time please..

Yes, I feel much better knowing that it isn’t just my DD. Other friends with similar age children don’t seem to have this - or more to the point don’t share maybe?

I am channelling the Dalai Lama abdctsking it one day at a time

I also have a 13 year old DD and agree to stay inactive (unless it gets serious/ becomes bullying obviously). You’ve just got to be a shoulder to cry on if/when it all goes wrong. It’s also actually better if you’re not in the “I told you so” position (unless she asks you for advice) because then she might be more likely to confide, rather than stubbornly trying to avoid the fact that mum was right

It definitely seems to all just be part of being 13... two of DD’s friends recently fell out and she’s been stuck in the middle and has to walk to and from school with both of them. Apparently she stands in between them and awkwardly talks about the weather while they walk silently/occasionally make jibes at each other.

A friend once told me a trick to get teens to talk...instead of relating to them by telling them "Oh that happened to me when I was your age!" it's better to ask leading questions such as "How did that make you feel?"

"What did you think of that?"

And so on. It worked for me.

Ah Tabbytiger - how awkward for your poor DD! Horrible to be stuck in the middle!

Cheapsausagesandspam - yes, open questions are good. I am going to put it in to practise from when she comes home tonight!