How do I help my mentally ill adult child move on with her life?

[WorriedMum44]

My daughter is 20, 21 in the new year. She's just come back from university (having already gone late) an absolute wreck. The university has encouraged her to defer her first year on mental health grounds and come back next September. She wasn't looking after herself at all in halls and it was really frightening the university staff. I also think that the university is awful for mental health care. Honestly I think she's had a bit of an epiphany in the two months she's been away at uni and she's realised the world isn't ever going to be as great as she thought it would be and she now needs to make responsible decisions for her future and rather than moving forward she's just broken down.

She has always had mental health issues, even when she was very little, and I think we've coddled her because she's always been very fragile. When she first had to come home a few weeks ago she was excited to take a "real gap year" learn a new language, work, travel and go back to uni as a mature student but now all she does is cry and hide in her room. To be fair I didn't think the student life was ever going to be for her as she's not very social and has always preferred the company of her family.

From what I can gather she's desperately upset as she's realised that she's very immature for her age and doesn't know how to be a "proper adult". She talks a lot about age and how she's only getting older and more pathetic and she doesn't know what she wants to do with her life or what she is capable of doing given her mental health issues. If I'm being honest she does act like a sensitive teenager rather than an adult, probably as she was in and out of hospital throughout her teens and was only able to finish her level three qualifications this year.

We're happy for her to spend the year staying a home getting better and start her degree next year. The university she got into is very high ranking and she is incredibly bright and able. Otherwise she could always drive herself to our local university which is not amazing but she'd definitely get in. I'm just aware the longer she spends doing nothing the more unwell she gets. I woke up this morning to find her curled up on the floor crying about growing old and dying. She's 20! Before university she was very excited for her birthday in January but now when I broach the topic she just starts crying.

I'd encourage her to get a job and earn some money this year but I don't think she's up to it. I don't even think she's doing things she enjoys as she hasn't been leaving the house, playing video games or seeing any friends. She's very clingy when I get back from work and just wants to sit with me and watch TV. I'm worried about her mental state alone at home all day as my husband and I both work and her brother is in sixthform all day. To her credit she's been booking and attending mental health referral appointments but she's on a two month waiting list.

How can I help her to move on? I'm frightened she'll decide she doesn't want to live anymore.

such a hard place to be in, OP, both for you and for your dd

In a similar situation, a job was my dd''s lifeline. Doesn't have to be full time, doesn't have to be a very strenuous one, or in any way related to her future, but just having the experience of what dd used to call "adulting".

Also having home as a safety haven. Being able to come home and be clingy after you've been an adult all day. Dd and I used to sit and watch Poirot and Lewis together for hours.

TBH I think I would forget the ranking of the university, and concentrate on getting her in to somewhere local, where she could live at home. That way she would be hopefully building her confidence, whilst having you as backup on a daily basis.

Could you perhaps join a local gym with her on the basis you want to get fit (making big assumptions here!), and could she go with you to help your motivation?

I really feel for you, but maybe small steps?

Also, it helped dd to realise that her situation was not that unusual, that plenty of people don't follow the standard straight path of going to uni at 19 and graduating at 22, that having a different experience does not constitute failure. I think my being a university lecturer helped her, because I was able to point out that this is not at all uncommon and that we really, really do not judge. This is the typical time for MH issues to flare up: it's a vulnerable age, living away from home for the first time is stressful, university studies in themselves are stressful and the pressure of "having the best time of your life" makes it harder still.

Dd is now just turned 21 and doing a foundation course. Hoping to get into a BA next year. Says she is so glad to be doing it this way because she is getting so much more out of it being a bit more mature. And I know lots of students who say the same: doing things a little bit later, or in a slightly different way, is not a disadvantage.

She needs to be at home she needs that safety net she can become an adult gradually. she doesn t have to go away she can study local she can see if she can get a pt job anything just to give her that confidence boost, I don't want to have a dig at you but the university seemed quick to notice she wasn't well she wasn' coping so sent her home what else did you want them to do?

She really needs to see the gp about her mental health they might refer her to a phsyciatric nurse practitioner, one of my dds was referred and it did her the power of good.

I'd like to assure your DD that life is messy and inefficient for many people. False starts and wrong turns abound. And sometimes when it seems you are stagnating in a backwater, an opportunity will arise which is so much more suitable for you than the path you thought you ought to be on, the glitch-free smooth arc from school with stellar results to prestigious university place to high-powered career.

There’s nothing wrong with being less social and needing downtime either. Nowadays we’re all supposed to aspire to be gregarious, yet there are other equally valid ways of being. If you are sensitive or quiet, that’s absolutely fine. I like these two TED talks on the subject.

The gentle power of highly sensitive people

The power of introverts

I’m pretty sure lots of adults are in '’I’ll-fake-it-until-I-make-it’ mode when it comes to being an adult, even some of the seemingly loud, confident types. DD shouldn’t think that everyone else has got it sussed at 20, or even 30 or 40. Growing up takes a lifetime. (Perhaps longer!)

On the more practical side, and at the risk of sounding like someone’s nan, I’d say that fresh air and exercise is a basic requirement for keeping morale from slumping. Do you have a dog that requires walking? If not, could DD volunteer as a dog walker for the Cinnamon Trust, which, amongst other things, organises walks for the dogs of people who are sick or elderly - or could she do puppy walking for guide dogs for the blind?

It would be something meaningful to do that doesn’t involve too much exhausting face time with humans!

Or what about Couch to 5k if that seems more doable?

Good luck and best wishes to you and DD.

My daughter really struggled when she left her teens behind. On the morning of her 20th birthday she woke up, put the radio on and heard Not Nineteen Forever playing .

Yoga is what has really helped her. She hasn't had a problem with depression since she started practising it. She can't recommend it enough for both mental and physical health.

Echoing those who say staying at home just now is the best option. My own experience was going to a top uni at 20, being out of my depth and relying on a boyfriend who ended up being violent. Transferred to a local Poly (showing my age) and got a mediocre degree but saved my sanity. Didn't stop crying until I was over 30 because I got no MH support. When I did, life turned around. My GP actually just looked at me with kindness and sympathy before making the referral and said 'you can change your mind you know'. She meant change your life-script to positive. With help I did.
You sound like a wonderful, understanding and sympathetic family. You know your DD will get better. She just needs time and help (as suggestions made by other posters) and gentle kindness which you seem to be offering in buckets.
Good luck to you all.