Don't know how to help my daughter

[purplelass]

She's 14 and it's just me and her at home after her dad moved out over 2 years ago. She sees him every other weekend but doesn't get on very well with him.
She's had times of low mood before but normally talks to me about what's wrong but last night was different. She doesn't want to talk and pulled away from me when I went to touch her, which broke my heart as we've always been so close.
She's got all the usual teen stuff going on but I don't know what's made her feel so low. She said it's just that her head feels sad?
She started counselling at school for anxiety but only went to a couple of sessions as she didn't want to talk to anyone.
I just don't know what to do to help her. There's no point in getting her referred for more counselling as she point blank doesn't want to talk about it. I said to her last night that if I ask her how she is it's OK just to say she's having a sad day and that I'll ask her if she wants to talk and if she says no I won't push her. That way she knows I'm there if she needs me...
Is this just teenage angst? I'm so worried about her and have no idea what to do to help.

Hi there. Didn't want to read and run. I'm no expert on this at all but my ds suffered from depression last year and I know how desperate it can feel when you don't know how to help them for the best. It may well be 'just' teenage angst but I would say the warning signs for it potentially being more are losing appetite, starting to isolate themselves from friends, feeling exhausted all the time despite sleeping lots and losing interest in things they previously really enjoyed (at least that's how it manifested itself in my ds). I dont normally post on mumsnet but I didn't want you to feel like no one was replying. My advice would be to ride it out a bit letting her know you are always there for her - I think what you said about her telling you she is sad and you not probing is brilliant. If however she is the same in a months time maybe you do need to take her to the GP. I know it's so difficult when they don't want to talk but my ds became so desperate in the end he did engage with a bit of therapy and he is now much improved. I'm sorry I'm a bit rubbish with my advice but just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Encourage her to talk to Childline. She can do it via online chat so it feels less like talking and doesn’t involve eye contact!

I can only echo what the pp have said. As the mother of a depressed teen I know how hard it is. It might be worth approaching your GP now in case there is a long waiting list for CAMHS.

In the meantime continue offering your support, what you said to her is perfect. And take care of yourself.

OP it's just awful when this happens. My DD (17) has always been really sparky but last month or so has spent nights crying in a darkened room, not going out and just being so sad. In her case it's because she split with her boyfriend - her choice but she still really misses him and is heartbroken. I've just lay on the bed with her (She lets me) and cuddled her and also explained to her that the teen years are really hard but it does get better. I really feel for our young people who are exposed to so much 24/7 via the internet at a time when they are not emotionally mature enough to deal with. Sounds like you are doing all the right things - just letting her know you are there for her whenever she wants, even if she is pushing you away, and don't stop trying ?(without forcing her). Good luck.

It’s heartbreaking to see. I don’t have any advice, my DD14 struggles to enjoy anything and is generally down too. I guess all we can do is be there for them and encourage them to talk. X

OP, just wondering, has she started her periods? If not, her hormones could be increasing the feelings and thoughts she has. My DD was very low before she started, I'd have days of her just crying and she didn't really know why.

If it continues, talk to someone yourself, find out what help there is out there for both of you. In the meantime, try and be supportive and make it clear you're there for her whatever and whenever.

Hi I dont mean to jump on this thread but I'm new to this site and still trying to work it out. I have a 13 year old daughter and the past 5 months she has totally changed. Me and her dad separated 12 years ago but he has had her every week since but the last few months I have heard disturbing things that he is on drugs and his girlfriend is a step away from being an alcoholic, so as a mother I had stopped all physical contact, but she is still able to talk via phone. Well like I said she has started to self harm and stopped eating. When I ask what's wrong she is so disrespectful to me and wont talk. She has spoke to the teachers at school and I've also got the crisis team involved but I dont see it changing anything. I'm at my wits end but as much as I love her and want to help I'm beginning to find myself getting frustrated because of the way she is talking and acting with me, I'm trying my hardest to be patient but I dont know what else to do please help!!!

I’m so sorry that you’re going through all of this. It’s very difficult time. One of the key things I’ve found helped me with my DD is to read lots of different advice/ books and learn about different approaches. There’s lots of info on the internet and can give you different perspectives on dealing with teenagers and ways to cope. Stay calm at all times when talking to her and if it escalates just say really calmly “ I’m going to come back and talk when we’re both calmer”. It amazes me how my response to her and how I phrase it can usually control how the conversation progresses. . How is your relationship with your ex? If your daughter is missing him and this is causing some of the behaviour and misery, can they meet with you there or go somewhere not his home? Just so she gets some contact? If she’s just generally upset about stuff at school / teenage things, the critical thing I think is to keep a dialogue going. I lost this but rediscovered by spending a lot of time watching videos my DD liked on YouTube - not what i thought she liked. It’s important to find something to connect over. After a while we gradually regained our closeness watching stuff together and then slowly she started confiding. Then I had to learn proper listening technique and not judging, interrupting etc - all things and techniques that you can pick up on internet .... If you’re really worried and self harm is continuing or she’s not eating then you should get her to her GP but hopefully it was a one off and attempt to show her sadness and get your attention.. Hopefully you can find a way now that she can start to tell you and share so you can plan how to support and help her.

I'm almost afraid to type this as it's such a "wacko" thing to suggest, but my step-mother-in-law (how did I get so lucky as to have MIL and a SMIL?!) suggested that DS' low mood may be down to gut-related issues. Apparently, and I have yet to fully get the science behind this, serotonin is the mood stabiliser in your body but is not produced in the brain but in the gut. If the gut is not healthy, the brain doesn't get the serotonin it needs to regulate mood.

I have NO idea if this is scientifically proven but I'm about to start DS on a whole round of pre and pro-biotics and see what gives. If it doesn't do any good it won't do any harm.

It's worth a few hours of research which I must get round to.

Thankyou for your replies. The relationship with my ex is hostile but I have always maintained a relationship between him and my daughter But everything I do is to protect my child. As I said before when drink and drugs are involved I dont want her around it. But it has also come to my attention today that there are several girls in my daughters school who are doing the same thing so now I'm even more confused. It was easier to keep her away from the toxic lifestyle that her dad has but now its school too. And they all seem to be saying and doing the same thing.