18yo DS is so withdrawn from me

[Rhynswynd]

My son turns 19 at the weekend. He has a history of mild depression and anxiety. He is refusing to talk to me about anything. I have tried for years to get him to a Dr about his mental health but refused. Now he has seen a Dr because his gf took him. He can't or won't get a job and he left school over a year ago with no plans for uni or further study. He is now talking about moving away with gf when she goes to uni next semester. It is in a whole different state which would take hours and hours to get to. He has zero money for a deposit for a rental, no job lined up.
Worst of all though this move I have heard about while he was chatting to his step dad. My DH said he really should let me know his plans but DS still has not said anything. I am getting angry (in ptivate) at the fact he won't speak to me even when I try and have a conversation with him and I am absolutely heartbroken at the whole business. I am desperately trying to be kind and understanding at the fact he us an adult and can make his own choices but he ruins all that by behaving like a child and not talking to me or truly considering the implications of living so far away.

My DS is a similar age and (unless we are talking about one of his techie interests) my "having a conversation" is his "being interrogated" Luckily DS gets on well with DH and DH tells me what's going on.

Can you change your approach? Be breezy about it. Yes he can go off with his girlfriend. Why not? Sure it might not work out but it's worth a try. Of course he doesn't want to consider all the implications - if everyone did that they would never try anything new at all. Let him try it and find out the implications for himself. He probably doesn't have any plans as such, just vague ideas about what he wants to do, and he doesn't want you pouring cold water all over them which is why he isn't saying anything to you. Wish him luck and tell him he can come home if it doesn't work out. Don't ask him any questions at all about his plans - it's up to him to find a rental deposit or not, and if he doesn't then either he can't go or he'll have to come back sharpish. When (if!) he leaves maybe tell him that if all else fails he can call you and you'll pay for his fare back home, but anyway you're confident he can make a go of it. Act as if you have faith in him. (Even if you don't!) If his girlfriend has persuaded him to see a doctor then she's a good influence so let her carry on being a good influence for as long as she feels like it.

Thank you pretty much what I needed to hear. It's going to be bloody hard though

If he has enough trust in his GF to go to the doctor with her, maybe you need to be talking with her not your DS. Is she aware of his plans? If so, does she fully appreciate what a burden he will be on her if he has no job or activities? (Not to denigrate your DS, but realistically how will she cope?)

Well yes his girlfriend might decide he's a burden but surely it's not for his mother to interfere, GF can make up her own mind if she wants a tag-along or not. The OP's job is to act cheerful if her DS goes, to say nothing if he doesn't go, and to make a few sympathetic noises if he comes back with his tail between his legs.

His gf seems super happy that they might live together. She seems to think he will get a job straight away and everything will just work out. They honestly have no idea. DS mentioned to his step dad about us helping them out with the move. He has been told many many times that we are broke and have another baby due next month, I have been out of work due to miscarriages and death if my mum, so I dont know why he thinks we keep a pot of gold for emergencies. He obviously doesn't listen when we explain how expensive life is and with him not working and paying his way everything is ridiculously hard. Why does he think it will be easier away from home?

For the record, his gf is nice enough but if she tells me how intelligent and superior she is to me one more time I might explode. Bloody teenagerz

I will do my best to offer sage advice when he finally informs me of my plans and not to be judgemental (that is gonna be so hard) and obviously he will always have a home if things don't work out. The thing is that we are a defence family and will post out late next year. If he is not living with us then defence will not allow us to have a room for him in married quarters. So I worry about him having nowhere to go. My dh told me to stop being daft and that our girls can share a room so I didn't think that through lol

I agree you should try to be positive for him. A university town should have plenty of bar work available. It’s a good opportunity for him to leave home with his gf for support, you wouldn’t want him going off somewhere entirely on his own , that would worry me more.