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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Really worried about DS (15)

44 replies

campingismyjam17 · 03/11/2017 17:48

He has told his sister (18) he doesn't want to live anymore and wanted to die before his 16 birthday but won't do it because he is too much of a coward.

He is, or was a high achiever at school but this is slipping drastically. He has lost all motivation and doesn't see the point(or so he says to his sister). My daughter was so concerned she told me but I couldn't say anything to him directly as I didn't want daughter to feel she had broken his confidence. I have tried to talk to him in a round about way and he has told me about friends and their problems and I used this as an opportunity to tell him he could always talk to me etc. He has always kept things to himself and does not talk about his feelings. I am really surprised by this as I just wouldn't have guessed, I thought it was his sense of humour. He always used to joke and say things like "kill yourself" or "I just want to kill myself". I know he wasn't happy about his appearance as he was quite chubby but at almost 6ft he has really slimmed down. I am also worried he may have issues around his weight, as he frequently skips lunch as I find it in his backpack. I did ask him if he felt he might be depressed and he said possibly. He didn't want to talk. I asked him if he wanted me to try and get him some help (his sister had/has social anxiety and was under CAMHS) she went through the school counsellor and our G.P to get the referral. He said he would speak to a Dr but not with me there.

Can he speak to a Dr without me? Should I approach his school and speak to the HOY? Daughter thinks I need to intervene. She talks to him and will explain about the counsellor/encourage him to go.

He has friends but is not happy with some of them. There is a lot of 'banter' and he is sometimes the butt of it. He does speak up. He never used to go out but has recently been going out and had a girlfriend, his first, for a little bit.

Outwardly he seems fine if not a bit morose and non-communicative but I just put this down to being a teen. He doesn't get angry, he is lazy. He is a model pupil in school and always has been.

I'm sorry this is so long but I could do with some advice about how to proceed with this. Daughter has stressed that he really needs to tell me how he feels but he hasn't, not really.

I don't think he will do anything but I also didn't notice he was feeling so bad.

I work 3 days a week, long hours and I feel like I've dropped the ball somehow.

OP posts:

overduemamma · 24/01/2018 23:07

Oh OP I feel for you. Must be every parents nightmare, can the GP refer him to CAHMS? Do you have a place where under 18's go for mental health problems? Where I live we have 2 different 'hospitals' if you will, one for over 18's and one for under 18. I can't offer any advice sadly but you are in my thoughts

Jackyjill6 · 24/01/2018 23:24

Have you talked to school at all OP? I think they need to know what is going on. You don't want your DS to feel under pressure about his school work. Most schools have very good support systems these days. It would be worth speaking to his HOY maybe?

Original poster

campingismyjam17 · 24/01/2018 23:28

Yes, I went in on Monday. They seemed very supportive/understanding but son has since said, no-one has approached him.

OP posts:

Whensmyturn · 24/01/2018 23:32

You need to urgently see his doctor again and get a change of medication. Not all antidepressants work for everyone or he may need a higher dose. They do work though and I would say are essential to get him out of the depression. The other things CBT changes to lifestyle etc can come later but he needs the medication to work and give him a lift in his mood. You may need to keep going back to the doctor. Unfortunately it takes time for the medication to kick in. You will have to hold steady for a while and tell him that he will feel better soon. It does work though.

namechange2222 · 25/01/2018 07:58

Ok once he told you he wants to die I'd take him directly to A & E. It is actually an emergency. Clearly Sertraline isn't working so that drug needs reviewing right now. I had a family member who behaved in a similar way. His parents were mental health professionals and took him to A&E, sadly he was, by then, 18 and refused to co operate or even get out of the car. I won't go into details but he did actually take his life a few months later. He had expressed a wish to not be in this world since he was 15.
I do understand about not wanting to discuss his mental health in a public place but the professionals around him need to know what's going on before they can help. maybe at this stage you can assure him that taking his exams his neither here nor there right now. I think he needs professional help from mental health services as an emergency right now and to hell with any other pressures like exams

stayathomegardener · 25/01/2018 09:14

Please take @zazasabore recommendation.

In the nicest way councillors linked to school/doctors can be very hit and miss and your son will very quickly lose faith in any talking therapy's.

Dd 18 at uni recently struggled with her mh, I found her a fantastic councillor £100 a session and booked her in for weekly appointments.
She had about five and has decided once a month for this month and then telephone appointments if needed after that.
Dd said it was brilliant and really hung on for her next session as a lifeline.

It is very tough for you as a parent. Look after yourself.

TickyTakky · 25/01/2018 10:11

I am not surprised you are in pieces. How upsetting for you. . I hope your son gets the help he needs.

Zebrasmummy · 26/01/2018 08:51

I work for CAMHS (don't shoot me!) and he needs an urgent referral to them now.

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 26/01/2018 09:04

I would get back on the phone now and ask the hoy what she has done so far. Insist that she tells all teachers what is going on with him immediately..they need to understand so they aren't giving him a hard time thinking he is being lazy. That won't help.

Id make an emergency appointment for today and get new medication. Chase for for referral to camhs. If he says the same again id do as advised above and take him to a and e.

Did he ever get the blood test done to check for deficiency and hormone balance, thyroid etc etc?

My family member had medication changed four times before getting it right. He is like a different person now.

chocolateworshipper · 27/01/2018 15:32

Ask to speak to the Child Protection officer at the school and I would recommend a face-to-face meeting with them.

At one time Fluoxetine was the only AD that psychiatrists would prescribe to a child, but I think that might have changed now - definitely speak to the GP about either changing or increasing the dose.

If you can possible afford a private therapist - do that. No disrespect to a previous poster, but in our case CAMHS were useless and we nearly lost our DD because of them

FauxFox · 29/01/2018 13:47

Have you told him the exams don't matter? I'm sure you have but just in case I thought I would post. He may feel he is on an inevitable path because he decided not to do any work as he would not be there for the exams and now he may be thinking he should see it through as he can't catch up and get the grades he's capable of...can you pull him out for now and let him retake the year (at another school if needs be) when he's feeling stronger?

It must be so hard for you all

pasanda · 30/01/2018 11:50

I would say he needs a change in medication. It's been 2 months now with no effect. That's long enough to see if it works or not.

I didn't think under 16's could be px ad's by a gp. I thought it had to be a psychiatrist but is he 16 now? My ds was self harming and depressed from aged 13 and it was only after 2 suicide attempts just after his 14th birthday that he was px fluoxetine (had to be done by a psychiatrist). It took 3 weeks for the fog to lift and he slowly got better. He was on it for 9 months. He's now nearly 17 (in may) and a different person.

As others have suggested, I would also take him directly to a&e if he says he wants to die again.

Good luck, it's exhausting

Original poster

campingismyjam17 · 08/02/2018 06:55

I thought I saw a glimmer of my old son the other night. He said "how's your day been? " which he used to say all of the time. I almost cried.He hasn't said that to me for ages.
Yesterday he got into a fight at school. a proper, throwing punches fight. He indirectly started it with what he said but the other boy planned what he was going to do and jumped him at lunchtime , throwing the first punch. Son has been excluded for the day and needs to work at home.
He was so angry last night, he was raging. I was scared and contemplated taking him to hospital (to do what?) but he was scaring me. I was more scared he would hurt himself. He was shaking with anger, he towers over me.
I will speak to his HOY today but he is not going back to school tomorrow, its too soon and this boy is in his form group.
We have an assessment for CAMHS next Weds. I went back to the Dr and I insisted they make a referral. It has come through quickly. I hope they can help. I hardly slept last night and am working today.

OP posts:

flyingcrow · 10/02/2018 23:32

OP, unless I've missed something, I haven't seen a mention of counselling in any of the posts. If cost is an issue, there are low-cost options in most areas, and often services aimed specifically at young people. If you mention suicidal thoughts when you contact the service, they will ensure your son gets a counsellor who can help with that. If you can afford it, find a psychotherapist in private practice who is a member of BACP or UKCP (look on the BACP and UKCP websites - some will do reduced fee work). Personally I rate Humanistic Integrative psychotherapy, but Psychodynamic psychotherapy also has a good reputation - the most important thing is how well your son gets on with the therapist, so it's worth trying a few to get a good fit.
Drugs can be helpful short-term, but psychotherapy deals with the underlying causes of this kind of distress. CBT (which the health service tends to favour) tends to have a short-term effect.

Original poster

campingismyjam17 · 12/02/2018 17:43

Hi flyingcrow, he has had counselling, about 5 sessions at our Drs surgery. He didn't really like the woman. He is waiting to see someone at school.

OP posts:

dottypotter · 14/02/2018 15:02

I tend to think nothing will happen and he wont do anything silly. Usually those that keep saying it don't.

its the quiet ones you have to watch imo.

Johnice · 20/06/2025 13:05

Hi there,
i know this is from 2017 but I have exact situation going on with my son. How is your son doing now? Please help:)

Johnice · 20/06/2025 13:08

Hi. Wondering how is he doing now? My son is in exact situation and I’m worried. Thanks for your response:)

Ursulla42 · 20/06/2025 22:58

Same situation as you a year ago with our daughter. If you can get him to open up it will mean you can involve the school, GP and request Cahms referral. Gently try to encourage him to open up. He may want to but just needs the reassurance that it’s the right thing. Let us know how you get on.

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