My son is driving us mad

[noddyholder]

Ds will be 13 on May 1st and has always been a really lovely boy very sweet and good fun if a little disorganised and lazy.Almost overnight he has started answering back and questioning everything we say.I know it is the dreaded teens and I try really hard to bite my tongue but he is really getting on my nerves When will the lovely boy come back?

My ds will be 13 on May 23rd and he is going through exactly the same thing as yours, so I would also like to know when do they come out of the 'donkey phase' and how to keep your sanity whilst they're going through it ? Perhaps we could shut them in a room together and not let them out until they resemble their reasonable and rational former selves ? As long as there was a computer in the room and we chucked some food in now and again I think that would represent heaven to my ds !!

DS1 was 13 on Valentine's Day and a boy less like a sweetheart would be hard to find these days! He's moody, stroppy and goes round with an almost permanent scowl on his face.

OTOH, he frequently comes to me for cuddles and is always telling me he loves me and then 5 minutes later is yelling and being a right moody git. Ho hum.

And I have two more boys following hot on his heels. Mind you, I shall probably be hitting the menopause about the time when all 3 are being hell on earth so perhaps I should just pity DH.......

At the risk of seeming mean, if he is being rude and getting on your nerves, why bite your tongue? Why not tell him?

It doesn't have to be an argument, but if he is being unreasonable you have a right to tell him, and he needs to be told.

If DS1 (or the other 2 come to that) is rude to me, I do say, in a quiet, reasonable tone "That is not a very nice thing to say and I don't think I deserve that." He usually has the grace to see it and then does apologise.

Unfortunately, there has been a spate of articles recently about how teenagers can't help their behaviour and he has seen them, leading to a "it's not my fault" attitude. To which I respond "Bollocks!" Or words to that effect .

MB I am afraid it doesn't have to be an argument doesn't work here atm as invariably it is.He is hormonal and trying to assert himself and although i don't tolerate rudeness a stroppy teenager is not someone I want to fight with atm!He loves his friends his skateboard and msn and so do all his friends.It is sad to see him change and exciting at the same time as occasionally there is a glimmer of the person he will become among all the mayhem

Then I think you need to raise the issue when it isn't an issue IYSWIM.

I undersytand that teenagers are hormonal (I teach around 180 of 'em ) But he still needs to have the comfort of knowing that in the end you are in control.

He'd bit his arm off rather than admit it mind! But teenagers still need to know that there are boundaries, it makes them feel secure enough to push at them IYSWIM. If you don't set a limit, he'll keep on pushing untill you have to set one.

Better to step in sooner than later ime

I am fairly strict about most things and he does understand that no is no but he does argue about things now which he simply accepted before.I am going to try saying yes or no straightaway now and not get into big negotiations as that is what sends me nuts.I think I am finding it hard aswell as he is the only one and I have spent years adoring him and am a bit disappointed with this new version!

Something I heard in an excellent behaviour course was a way to stop the 'endless argumant' effect of teenagerdom!

He says 'I think XYZ'

If you disagree say 'I hear what you say'

He says 'I said I think XYZ'

You say 'I hear what you say'

Repeat.

They give in.

It does work.

Also key is to ignore 'secondary behaviour'

So if you say, 'tidy your room', as ling as they do you and tidy the room ignore all the huffing and puffing, they huff and puff to save face. As long as they do what you want, ignore the secondary behavopir.

They get better towards the end of Year 9 into year 10 IME

Thankyou MB that is really helpful as the huffing and puffing and eyerolling etc really gets my goat.Don't want to say roll on yr 9/10 as I am a great believer in living in the day and appreciating every minute but you get my meaning!He is at a friends tonight for a sleepover birthday party and I am looking forward to seeing him and trying to have a nice day tomorrow before he goes back to school

agree with mb on technique. also, try not to say things like 'look at me while i am talking'. they actually listen to you better when they won't look at you.

Oh yes... avoid eye contact. The best conversations are held in the car when you have your eyes on the road. Also, allow them long silences before they answer you.

I spent over an hour in the early hours of this morning talking to DS (age 15) about why he is refusing to complete GCSE coursework. 1.30am is the only time his brain seems able to hold a normal conversation. I laid on his bed, he had his back to me whilst talking. We both then watched a manga cartoon together and I finally got to bed at 2.15am.

Some great advice here Will show it to dp too.We can talk so that is good.He goes back to little boy mode at times which is weird too and then flips to the demon teenager in seconds but we have all been there

Sorry Noddyholder, but your post did make me giggle!

My DS1 is 17 in July and still huffs and puffs when i tell him to do stuff he doesn't want to do!

He's at college but too lazy to want to get a job. He has his EMA (when he turns up at college, that is!) but other than that we have cut all money out in the hope he will be motivated to get a job.

I agree with what MB says too tho. Dont let him get away with that kind of rubbish and make sure you put the breaks on NOW before it's too late or you could end up with a teenager on your hands who has no respect for you because you didn't set him boundaries at this delicate age.

Good luck!!