15 year old staying out without permission

[Ryebreadandwine]

He’s already slept over at friends twice this week. All I asked was to confirm with parents that he’s ok to sleep over. Cue barrage of abuse and told by ds he’s staying out with or without my permission. I’m at a loss. He’s been out all day. No money, no food. He’s so desperate to be with his friends he will do just about anything. I just don’t know what to do. Do I just leave him to it? Do I call the police? Honestly all I want to do is run away. Let his dad manage him.

Has he come back?

Yes. Next morning. I swear he’s been possessed by the devil. There’s absolutely no talking to him. I’ve been firmly told that he won’t be asking my permission in future either. He’s clearly taking a stand. I’m exhausted by it all. I’m not sure what’s happening to him. He’s such hard work. He has zero respect for me. I may run away.

So he's 15, so in GCSE year?
And presumably reliant on you for phone, money and treats and internet access?
Any chance you could use any of them as leverage? Either in a very hard way, or just withdrawing cooperation? Or will that push him over into no schoolwork, sofa surfing etc?

How's he funding himself when he's off on a jaunt?

I’m trying the grounding path. I’d rather not remove his phone because I like to get hold of him. In my experience it just escalated issues. This is the first time I’ve had these types of problems with him. It’s like a desperate need to be with friends. He says he embarrassed that I ring the parents to confirm it’s ok that he sleeps over. I know he wants to fit in but I’m struggling to get him to accept there has to be boundaries. I’ve not given him any pocket money. Not sure how he’s funding.

Can u swap his phone for a basic calls only model?

I could but I’m not sure taking his phone will solve much. I’ve tried.

I have never had this so have no experience. Hopefully someone who has been there will be along soon.
If it was my DD I know I would go with the line that if she didn't respect me and the house rules then she doesn't get permission to stay out and I would stop cooking/cleaning/ironing/pocketmoney/subscriptions etc until they were earned back.
I guess easier said than done though.

Is it half term? I wouldn't be checking at 15 that they're going to be at their friends' houses - if it was half term or the weekend I'd assume that was OK.

What's he like normally? I was wondering why he's so desperate - I don't suppose there's weed involved, is there?

I’m taking a similar approach boo. He’s grounded, no pocket money. I didn’t make his lunch this morning but he just did don’t eat so I won’t carry that on. He will not be sleeping out. I’ll contact his friends parents and tell them he is not allowed to stay.

I want to know where he will be sleeping mybrilliant. Yes, weed involved although he tells me he is not smoking.

Oh I don't envy you, love! Boys can be monstrous at that age!

When DS was 15 and in that stage, grounding was the last thing that would have worked on him. If there are doors or windows in the house, as I suspect there may be, he'll be getting out!

I would try, as PP have suggested, removing things he wants/enjoys off him, eg phone, treats, any allowance, etc - things that get him about. The phone you might be reticent to remove as that's his lifeline in case he's in any trouble, so maybe you could get him a completely featureless throwaway type phone until he straightens up, and take away his fancy iphone or whatever? Get a cheapo nasty one that basically only makes calls?

I would think if you did anything at home, like change the wifi pw or whatever, that would only make him want to leave more.

Really, what finally worked for me was just a quick, calm, but very serious chat letting him know LOOK SON, I don't care (not true, but it's what he wanted to hear) what he's doing or who he's with, I just need to know that he's safe, alive, not in police custody or hospital, and if he would simply let me know where he is, then I'll leave him alone. That is literally ALL I ask - tell me you're safe. You do understand why I need that, yes? Also, if he ever needs me - is stranded, mates being shits, too drunk to get home safely, whatever - he can always call me for help and I won't say a word. Having to call mummy is punishment enough.

I know it's the last thing you want, but when they're nearly physically grown men but mentally still just boys in a lot of ways and in that mindset, I just don't know what else you can do!

At that age - basically overdosing on testosterone and confusion (the poor lad), taller than me by several inches, soooo much stronger than me, etc - that was just about all I could do.

Anyway that's what worked FOR ME, so obviously is only a suggestion. I don't know your DS or his friends, and not to mention this stage was several years ago for me and nearly a different world to today, so what worked for me may be a disaster for you! But if it's an extreme situation (like mine was for a while), then it may call for extreme measures. Only an idea, so ladies please let me and OP know if I'm way off the mark.

Oh those teenage years are hell on earth for all involved, aren't they??

Thanks jwrecks. That’s exactly the discussion we had tonight. Maybe I need to calm down with the checking and just make sure he’s safe. It doesn’t sit comfortably though. He could be anywhere. I guess I’m worried he might get himself into trouble. I think I’m also finding this transition into early adulthood difficult. I want to keep him a child and away from adult experiences as long as possible. Maybe I can’t do that anymore.

Interesting, mine is heading this way I think. I’m trying to work out what to do so I don’t look back and think oh that’s when I should have done something.

Am almost at this stage with dd. It's so awful. Last year she pulled the wool over her dad's eyes and had a party in my house with boys present aged 13. Now 14 and very difficult. Do not confiscate the smart phone. It's ineffective. I speak both from experience and from professional knowledge. Due to my dd's known ability for plotting I too check my dd is where she says she is. Problem is there are parents out there who don't. So it's tough. It isn't popular. I worry about sexual activity so keep close tabs so she knows there are boundaries. She doesn't have to like it. And often she doesn't. I reckon as long as you are still able to have chats among the storm you are doing ok?

If it is weed chances are that is what is causing the desperation - if hos mates are doing it then so is he. Same problems with mine. It is so strong now it is addictive and changes their personalities!