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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Daughters bedroom

37 replies

LifeLaundry · 09/10/2017 10:31

I posted this in Chat last night, but didn't get any response. I've name changed for this but joined in 2007.

I know lots of people think their children's rooms are messy, but my sixteen year olds is absolutely disgusting. We've had a lot of problems with her which included social services and police involvement, and we have been told that her room is her sanctuary and we're not to go in there if that's what she wants.

But it's vile. It's as bad as you see on cleaning programmes on tv, it's filthy, and makes me feel sick that it's in our house. We offer her money to clean it, I'd willingly do it myself, or even get a cleaner to come in. She wants new Ikea furniture which we are happy to buy, once there's room to build it.

I feel like I'm at my wits end, and I feel shaky and pathetic writing this. I've seen posts like this before, accompanied by photos of perfectly fine rooms, with maybe a stray sock on the floor, but this is in a different league.

What can I do? Entering her room will cause so much anger and violence, but I can't just leave it any more.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 12/10/2017 12:06

She wants new Ikea furniture which we are happy to buy, once there's room to build it.
How badly does she want it.
Look at furniture online, tell her the budget, ask her to measure up her room.
Remind her it's got to be a clear area for it to happen.

misscph1973 · 12/10/2017 12:56

OP, you are not betraying your DD by posting photos of her room, it's not like anything in the photos would identify her. The photos prove that she clearly needs help. I can understand why it has been so hard for you to help her, it sounds like a very difficult situation. To me it sounds like the messy room is a "surface symptom"? But that is is a symptom that seems to be an easier one to tackle for you, as in principle you could just tidy her room, problem solved. But her problems seem deeper than that. As an example, my DM is a hoarder, and that is a symptom of something deeper. I think her problem is part post world war (she was born in 1939), ie. coming from an era where everything was in short supply. But it's also neurotic, and I think she has had such a hard time with her dad's alcoholism and her absent mother that having so much stuff is a way to barricade herself from her problems. Etc. etc. Obviously hoarding is a lot worse than a messy room, and I am not suggesting that your DDs problems are as grave as my DMs. But most problems are not simple, they are complex, and so is the solution. I suspect that you need to go deeper than the messy room to help her. You mention that she was assessed for ADHD, has she had any counselling or other therapy?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 12/10/2017 13:05

She's 16, she lives in your house therefore needs to keep her room hygienic ( personally I'm not quite as fussy about tidiness) therefore go in and blitz it, give her advance notice of this. Go and get the furniture, tell her if she can't keep her room tidy from then on you'll be going on once a week to keep on top of it if she doesn't.

Any violence or taking the room will result in loss of WiFi or phone or whatever- again, give her advance notice of this. It's an old cliche but it's an amazingly effective way to get a teen motivated.

Keep calm and just do it.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 12/10/2017 13:06

I think you should get those photos taken down.

schoolgaterebel · 12/10/2017 14:49

She is clearly not coping, for whatever reason she cannot organise herself or doesn’t know how or where to start. Nobody wants to live like that. I believe she needs your help.

I would give her the chance to do it herself, or with your help. If she does not or will not by a certain date I would get stuck in and do it for her. I would buy the furniture and ‘re-do’ her room.

I would be very clear about the standard you would like maintained, I would check the room on occasion and make sure she tidies it regularly and often (so an overwhelming mess doesn’t build up again).

I really feel it is your responsibility to help her here, it is very sad that she is living in those conditions.

Original poster
LifeLaundry · 12/10/2017 15:44

Why though DameDiazepam? Im not being awkward, but i’d really like to know why. I studied the photos so carefully before I posted them and made sure there was nothing identifying. One that i took had a school tie in, it wasnt from her current or even previous school, but I didnt use that photo.

I didnt put them up to shock, or to make anyone feel ashamed, just to show what Im dealing with so I can help her. She sounds much like Iwasmessytoos friend, and i’d love to hear more about how she reacted, and if she kept her room tidier.

I’ve taken on board every single comment that’s been made. I’m not a neat freak, I’m quite messy too, but theres a huge difference between mess and filth.

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 12/10/2017 15:48

I think it's a privacy thing, if she ever found out imagine how hurt she would be? The DM lift threads all the time.

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 12/10/2017 15:54

LifeLaundry my bedroom was like that as a teen, and my flat for much of my 20s. I would have been mortified if my mum or a friend put it on the internet, even anonymously.

It would have left me feeling totally exposed.

If you want to give an indication, google pictures of hoarding and choose one that's at the same level and say "it's similar to this".

Then you get your point across without hurting your DD's feelings.

Also, this: "The DM lift threads all the time." It's just not worth the risk.

The bottom line is you risk damaging your relationship by having them here and it's not a risk worth taking.

imjessie · 12/10/2017 16:05

I clean my dd ‘s room , she has a big room and her own bathroom and I want it to stay clean as is my house . Rightly or wrongly I don’t want to let it get out of hand . I’d just go and clean it but not reward her by getting the furniture . She has to rove she can look after it first .

Original poster
LifeLaundry · 12/10/2017 18:29

Ok, I hadnt thought of the DM.

Im going to report my own thread and see if i can get it taken down. I really appreciate all your help. Thank you

OP posts:
sparklymarion · 12/10/2017 23:44

My daughter room
Is a shot hole she's
19 I've given in make piece with it or tidy It once a month for her. If she wants
Privacy she'll do it herself otherwise she lives on your house so youl tidy it

JustHope · 15/10/2017 18:39

Your Dd sounds like my DSis as a teen. She was moody and difficult and would lash out if my parents tried to clean it. My DM was regularly brought to tears in total despair about it. Fast forward to the present day and she is now Mum to two kids living in a beautiful house that she keeps immaculately. Hang in there OP there is hopeFlowers

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