Consequences - too much or just right?

[CalendulaAndRoses]

ok, just want folks opinions on DPs consequence for my DD's (aged 15) behaviour last night

Basically he confiscated her phone last night "til the end of the year" because she threw it on/at the bed (which we were in at the time) after I told her I was taking it til Friday because she hit her sister (age 12) with a plastic coat hanger. First time I've ever "punished" through taking away technology. She was shocked and when giving us the phone sort of passively-aggressively tossed it at the bed rather than handing it to me. Unfortunately it bounced off the bed and hit the wall behind us, between me and DP so it could have hit one of us. But that obviously wasn't her intention.

He immediately said "right, I'm taking control now and you are off your phone til the end of the year, no-one throws a phone at me"

so, too much, just right or not enough of a consequence for that behaviour? (no question for me that the behaviour was most definitely out of order and a clear message needs to be sent that that's the case)

Ridiculous. Until the end of the week, yes. Until the end of the year, massive overreaction.

Ridiculous.

OTT. A day would be enough I think.
In my experience it's almost always a mistake to hand out punishment in the heat of the moment. Far better to say go to your room and I'll decide the punishment later, then you don't put yourself in the position of having to back down from an unreasonable stance.

Massive over-reaction

Personally I don't think punishments achieve anything other than resentment during teen years. Communication does though. I appreciate I'm in the minority on this but having raised 3 to adulthood without a single argument it can and does work.

thanks - that's what I thought too. It was like he heard me say end of the week for one thing and then multiplied by a gazillion for the next! Completely agree Fex - I'll try to take that approach in future. SHe is generally a great kid so I haven't had to resort to this sort of thing before, but the hormones are kicking in now I think and trickier behaviour is stepping up a notch, so remembering the deep breath and dealing out a consequence later is a great idea. ANd now I just need to talk DP down from the ledge...

Yes, out of proportion I think. Reminds me of the time my OH told our DD (who was quite little at the time) that she was never allowed to have sweets ever again Needless to say, we haven't stuck to that punishment.

MaidenMotherCrone - I'm a HUGE fan of communication in all situations, in fact my girls accuse me of overcommunication - I try to talk through EVERYTHING :-) last night was just at end of tether (it was late, we were already in bed - she was sorting stuff for a sports match today and had left it too late (her thing!) and got her sister out of bed then ended up hitting her - which led to my blurting out a "punishment" and then throwing the phone - which led to the second one) I'm genuinely interested - how would you have approached this in the moment?

I would have got up, sent elder DS back to her room telling her in no uncertain terms how awful her behaviour was and that We would be dealing with the situation in the morning ( even if that meant getting up at stupid o clock).
I'd then comfort younger dd, taking her back to her room, reassuring her that this incident was not acceptable by any means and would be dealt with in the morning.
I'd then climb back into bed quite cross hoping I'd wake in a better mood.

This all sounds very familiar! Until the end of the year is reactive to her unacceptable behaviour. None of us are perfect!

What I would do.,..Agree with DP to say that behaviour is unacceptable and it will be discussed between you and a suitable punishment put in place. This gives u both some space and time to decide the best way forward (without confiscating everything forever!!) It also gives a firm immediate message to DD she is out of order and it will not be tolerated.

It's a minefield out there

Thanks MaidenMotherCrone - that sounds pretty much in line with my usual approach - I was just at the end of my rope last night for various reasons. Then how would you approach it in the morning? how would you make her really understand it was unacceptable?

I should probably add I didn't have a pleasant childhood and punishments ranged from beatings ( i.e for not making a cup of tea quickly enough) to being sent to Coventry (for being sexually assaulted, obvs my fault silly me). Toys were thrown on the fire and I was stabbed in the back of my hand with a fork for eating at the wrong speed.

Like most abused children I loved my parents and just wanted them to love me. They never did and I just stopped trying eventually. I realise my childhood was not normal.

I'd probably ask her to imagine the previous night but with me lashing out and hitting her as she had done to her sister. I'd ask her how that would make her feel, not just the physical pain but the fear, shock, humiliation etc. I'd concentrate on the emotions because at almost 50 I don't remember the physical pain but I remember vividly how I felt emotionally.
I suppose I would just want to get her to think, think really hard about how her actions affected her sister and the rest of the family and how she could put things right.

MMC I'm sorry to hear that - sounds absolutely awful and sounds like you have done a great job with your kids so well done for bucking the ancestral trend there. I'm usually a massive overcommunicator (as I said) and definitely follow your school of parenting. My folks didn't physically abuse me at all but they were sort of emotionally unavailabe, we didn't really talk. I had a lot of eating disorders throughout my teens (emotional repression?) I only heard my mum say she loved me once in my whole life so I am all about making sure they know I love them unconditionally and always will.
Then my DP is different, more of a "Kids should respect me and so exactly as I say" type (and he is not their dad which complicates things of course) - we've been having issue/tension with this for months now. He thinks I am way too soft. I think he is draconian. (Hence he doesn't get to have much say usually as they are my kids) I honestly do not know whether he will see that what he has dealt out is unreasonable or whether he will expect me to back him up when he comes home tonight. His expectations will tell a lot (and I won't be backing him up)
So MMC - if it is something you can answer I really am genuinely interested - how would you then approach it in the morning - in order to make sure she understands the behaviour isn't acceptable but without using consequences/punishment?

ah, you answered already - ok, that sounds really good. Imagining and empathising, makes sense. Thank you for sharing that. Justabouthanginginthere and everyone else who responded thank you all too. Very helpful to me today as I'm in a bit of shock here I think.

Way over the top!

Particularly as you say she's generally a good kid and at least she was handing the phone over and you didn't have to wrestle it from her (been there 😳).

My DH is rather fond of stuff like this, one memorable 'punishment' being "you're not coming on holiday with us after that behaviour". Really DH? And what do you suggest we do with her?

Way OTT

This could end up being a positive interaction.

Your DP could admit to overreacting. But say that obviously he can’t let that kind of rudeness pass without punishment. So 1 week without it.

Maiden

You and your 3 children seriously did not have a single argument throughout their childhood and teenage years?

I think your husband needs to back off, especially as they are not his kids. Does he have kids?

I wouldn't call this a consequence; this is a punishment. A consequence is: dd uses the phone in the middle of the night, phone confiscated for a couple of days, and not allowed in the room at night after that.

For me, the consequence of being mean to your sister and disorganised about preparing equipment, is that your parents go into overdrive in their efforts to make you more considerate and more organised. These are long term projects .

Perhaps your daughter is disorganised because she spends too much time on the phone, so a logical consequence might be that she can't use her phone in the evening until she has got herself ready for the next day, but you would have to get her to see the logic of this and agree to it on some level if it is going to help her.

I am another person who doesn't believe in punishments though.

@Wishingandwaiting no not one. I know I've been very fortunate to have laid back, easy going children.

Oh come on!

Not one single argument throughout childhood and teenage years.

That’s nothing to do with being chilled and laid back. That’s either them being utterly submissive or you’re talking bullshit!

Having an argument and learning not to resort to name calling or losing your temper and then finding a resolution - these are all very important skills.

They bickered and occasionally fell out but no I didn't have arguments with them.

I didn't have arguments with THEM is what I meant in my post not they didn't with each other.

I try to avoid taking away phone/x box as my ds sees that as the ultimate end of the world punishment.

BUT I do occasionally take it away (he will tell you I do it all the time, but this weekend was the first time in about 4 months)

On friday he was psectaculalry rude (I have a thread about it) and he lost his phone for the whole weekend.
That was huge tortue for him. I would rarely do more, as in my experience the anger is spur of the moment, they need to know you take it seriously, then draw a line under and start again.

Dh was in the habit of saying immediately - right phone gone, and we talked about it, about how in ds eyes it is jumping from zero to 100 in terms of punishment.
We do often send him upstairs to calm down (which has the side effect on not being able to go on x box) Then we can talk, and apologies all roudn and start again.

if I do take phone, my rule of thumb is 24 hours, only more if really bad, and then adding on one day at a time.

Something else we have learnt is that this is all part of one temper, so no point in adding more and more consequences. Consequence in place, let them storm off and strop and then calm down and discuss, no point in adding more consequences in along the way