Feel on the edge of a breakdown

[Ryebreadandwine]

My 15 year old has been replaced by the devil himself. I'm on my own with him and more often than not have to retreat to my bedroom because he's utterly vile to me. He then follows me to my bedroom to continue with his verbal abuse. I actually want the run away. He's too young for me to leave him and I'm just not strong enough right now to cope. Someone please give me words of wisdom so that I can survive another day. It's affecting my whole life. I don't know how I'm going to function at work if I don't pull myself together.

I'm sorry, they can be awful at times. What has set him off do you think? It's easy for me to say, but try to see this as a product of all the changes going on in his brain and detach.

If my DS is horrible to me I sometimes leave the house for a bit, I say I am going out because you are hurting my feelings and I'm not listening to it. He usually says sorry afterwards. I try to stay calm and don't let it enter into my psyche. Not easy I know .

Is he like this all the time? Is there anyone he can stay with for a while? Even a friend for a night or 2?

Thanks squeegle. Sadly no, no one to stay with. He's gone to his dads for lunch. His dad won't have him to stay. No reason other than he puts himself first. At least I'm getting a couple of hours respite. We have progressed from being able to negotiate to jot being able to communicate much at all. I'm sure we will get past this but I worry he's on the edge of being a fully fledged delinquent. It's so hard doing it on my own. My resilience is at an all time low. One day at a time I guess.

That sounds so hard. Do you have any other male relatives or strong make influences in his life? I know it's easy for someone else to say, my eldest is 12 and youngish for it for I'm not there yet but I think I'd ask someone he respects or wants to impress to have a word with him. Is there an uncle or football coach or someone he looks up to?

In the mean time do you want to talk about what's going on?

Do you give him money? Pay for his phone?

DD was like this for 3 long years -3-16 but 14/15 was the worst I began to feel anxious in her company because she was only pleasant if about to make an unreasonable request often involving lots of money. One day I cracked , thought fuck this and cracked down hard. It got way worse at first then began to improve. If she treats me like crap no money, no lifts, nothing plus I exchanged basic pleasantries but stopped bending over backwards to have conversations with her. Also as mobiles in my name I used to block her data and outgoing messages and calls. It did eventually lead to a much easier life, her behaviour was and occasionally still is extreme. Was told to fuck off at least 6 times a day, plus never ending phone calls from disgruntled teachers, now she is 90% great company , much chattier , grateful and much less abusive.

Also me and DD had got stuck in a negative cycle when her behaviour was bad. I tried to over exadurated any good so if she did as she was told, helped, or simply put her plate away I'd comment on it positively.

I really feel for you as I began to really dread every day but it's never to late.

Thanks all. Yes, he does have a couple of teachers he respects. Sadly, he's been excluded but the teachers are prepared to continue to support him. I've also blocked his phone soon access. I've removed his laptop too, He still has his iPad but that will go next. I'm at the stage where I'm no longer exchanging niceties. He doesn't deserve the usual warmth I give him. I'm not sure if it will have a positive affect. We shall see. I need to try to concentrate for work. I'm struggling with that.

It's really hard. I do sympathise. Good that some teachers are still helping. Shame about his dad. I'm on my own too, and it really is wearing. I have found empathy is helpful, but also not helping as per what PPs have said, no privileges e.g. Phones paid for if the rudeness continues. See if you can get some help for yourself, sometimes the GP can help. Just keep telling yourself it's a phase. I think it's so much harder doing it alone so don't think you're being weak, sometimes I think we deserve a medal just for keeping some small bit of sanity.

Excluded permanently or fixed term? DD was permanently excluded and ended up at a specialist school for children with behavioural difficulties. Was actually a major turning point for DD. Does your Ds struggle academically?

Permanently. He has a planned move to another school hopefully this week. He's not especially academic. His exclusion wasn't behaviour related. This past few weeks have been a living nightmare.

I've been there , feel your pain. It does get better eventually and pretty slowly but there will hopefully come a point soon when it doesn't consume you. It can be a very isolating experience, many of my friends got quite judgey "just ground her " , hmmmm great advice why didn't I try that, oh wait I did she leaves the house anyway and I can't physically restrain an adult size child in the house. I ended up not telling most people and being consumed by it all. Does your Ds go awol to and ignore curfews?!

I'm sorry running. It really is a lonely place. Like you, I've avoided telling some friends. He's completely grounded and I've cancelled my activities so I can make sure he doesn't go out. He's pretty good with curfews and as far as I know, he's never sneaked out. This week will be hard. His father has got involved. I'm hoping he will be a support of sorts. Please god let it be a phase that passes quickly. I'm emotionally exhausted. How's things now running?

Much improved compared to this time last year, small steps she still makes pretty poor choices and is a bit door slammy and occasionally angry, swearing bashing about etc but last year was daily hell so I'll take this 😉. They will get there in the end and so will we ! Just make time for yourself as it's easy to forget yourself and then the teen drama becomes your life.

running - what support are you getting for YOU? I ask beacuse you mention resilience being low, I know that, been there and have the t-shirt - can you get an hours counselling or some kind of therapy a week for you - to offload, learn some coping/helping/relaxing strategies for yourself?

It may be worth seeing if your town/nearest city runs Triple P for teens. I found it really helpful - basic premise is to praise positive behaviours but keep firm boundaries. Be very clear in your expectations - literally spell it out. It's totally non judgmental and it was a relief to chat to other parents. Teens can be like aliens