How to adapt to having older children and learn to RELAX

[mumz123]

Wow. I haven't been on mumsnet for yonks. Years in fact. But as I sat contemplating this issue I thought this would be the best place to come.

My children are now older - aged between 11 and 17. So I finally get to the stage in life where I get time to myself. The stage I have been craving for, for like, 17 years. And now it turns out I have no fucking idea what to do with myself (when I'm not at work).

Like now. Everyone is out. I could of course do housework or laundry or stuff which does of course need doing. BUT I'd really like to actually do nothing and just relax. Read a book. Watch shit TV. Because I could, right!?! But it seems I'm incapable of doing those things without a nagging sense of guilt that I should be doing something else.

Enough rambling. Does this resonate with anyone?

The guilt is part of motherhood. Dads seem to suffer less with this.

I used to get stressed about things like dinner, but I allow myself short cuts. So on Tuesday it's sandwiches for tea, because mum is out that evening.

My husband was and is always very good at just going to sports/pub whenever he fancies, without worrying about what the kids would eat or who would remember to take the clothes out of the dryer....

So I decided to "think like a man" and act accordingly, ie more selfishly. I know I'll get slated for that as in "MN land" all men are equally responsible for household tasks.

Anyway, it has been liberating for me, and everyone is much the better for it.

I can relate to all of this and yet I feel that I am coming out of the other side of this phase with DS1 almost 19 and DS2 almost 17. I am now getting used to the luxury of waking up on a Saturday morning and knowing that we can please ourselves and that they will make their own plans for the weekend. The younger one still needs some supervision of course and living rurally we do a fair bit of ferrying about but I don't need to be there for them like I did 3 or 4 years ago.

I actually love this time. DS1 and I can go for days without hardly seeing each other then he will come home from work, bring me a cuppa and we will sit and natter for an hour. Both of them will give me a hug and tell me they love me and I joke that they treat me like I about 70 and have never been in a nightclub or stayed out all night partying.

Yes I worry about them sometimes and the guilt is still around but I do far more for myself than I have done for years and that's got to be a good thing.

You are entitled to some time to yourself just to relax/do your own thing, you don't need to be doing housework or on the go all the time. Perhaps, you need to make yourself do some things for a week or two and get in the habit, read a book, watch a film, jigsaw (I haven't done one for years but started one on Friday and have to admit housework went out the window), go for a walk, anything creative you may be interested in, even following a few posts on Mumsnet - you may have older kids but still a lot of relevant posts to most on here. Also, is there anything over the years you'd have like to have done in the evenings but couldn't due to the children?

It's absolutely a phase - and one I'm coming out the other side of now.

Mine are 17 and 11. Mine started when dd left school 18 months ago and life started to change a lot. She works full time now and will soon be driving. My ds has just started senior school so we are encouraging him to be as independent as possible too.

I felt very discombobulated for a while.......a bit like having early onset empty nest syndrome. It lasted a few months but now I'm really enjoying this new phase of our lives. Sometimes it does take a bit of coordination still when all 4 of us have different plans / ideas over the weekend but we generally rub along fine.

And what's really nice is that kids actually sometimes really want to spend time with us now so we have some quality family times as well as time when we all get to do our own things.

I have a very strict policy of only doing housework if there’s a witness. Today I’ve got a day off. I’m eating chocolate biscuits in my pyjamas watching films. The cleaning can wait.

Oh I love your post MattAffleck. I dream of being as fabulously ballsy and chilled as you seem to be. Brilliant!

I really like hearing what you other Mums have to say - it's very heartening and I am starting to really believe that this is a phase of 'nearly-ness' and of practicing.

AND at the same time as I read your post ifonly4, I think that's it for me - I have a problem believing I'm entitled which is a bigger issue than the phase of life I'm in I think, and that's why your post is so fabulous MattAffleck. I don't hear you asking for fricking permission to eat choccy biscuits in your PJs, whereas somehow I think I need some sort of excuse to do that.

Evenings are still a bit hectic for me ifonly4 and not the time of day where this issue surfaces yet - mainly I'm still taxiing to sports and stuff. It's daytimes mainly when I'm not working and after school but before footy drop off kinda thing.

I don't feel exactly guilty, just a vague anxiety that I'm supposed to be doing something but can't think what.
I work from home and now the DTs have started reception, I get everything done really fast but am at a loss with the spare time.
My eldest are old enough to look after the youngest so I'm not needed as much as before and it's a strange twilight zone.

I’m catching up on sleep, when they are at school mine are 13 and 8 and just want to hole up in their bedroom playing roblox!!

Yes, it is not relaxing although there is now time to myself. I have a 19 year old away at uni and a 15 year old at home. The issues now arising for me are:
1)trying to visit and support my elderly mother who lives an hour's flight away
2) trying to work out what I want the last ten years of my career to look like - if not now, then when?
3) Trying to re-connect with Dh and bridge some of the gaps that have grown between us.
4) Missing DS and supporting DD in all the new parts of her life.

Basically I feel as if I have been living in a fog for the last 20 years which is just clearing and I am not that thrilled with the landscape I find myself in.
I am going to the gym and consciously looking after my health which is making me feel good.

What about a craft of some type as its relaxing AND possibly useful. You could make things that you donate to a charity shop for them to sell. You could knit christmas tree decorations, because I want some but never see them.

Or bullet journaling. You feel like youre being productive as you fanny about with your felt tips and washi tape. There are lots of groups on facebook but theyre hard to find as theyre all secret!

Apart from that I have no idea.

Glad it's not just me either.

I am self employed and work from home. Recently the work has dropped off a lot and I find myself with too much time on my hands. I'm still needed to ferry kids to and from school/clubs/friends though so can't get a 9-5 job. Also my elderly parents are needing me more which makes me feel stressed and claustrophobic.

In the meantime, all the sitting around has made me lose confidence in myself in terms of chasing more work to do at home...

I've also realised I feel quite lonely which hasn't been a problem before. I find myself chatting to people on dog walks and in the supermarket like a desperate old woman!

There's plenty of 'little jobs' I could do at home, but the guilt of not earning is what is getting to me - even though DH earns 10 times what I do and we don't 'need' by income (which whilst nice is not a great feeling tbh!)

Ugh, bring on retirement...