so fed up with ds being rude o me and not even understanding he was rude

[steppemum]

So, went to pick ds and dd1 up from station. dd2 is in car as we have come from shopping. Dd2 is in front seat.
Battles over who sits in the front are epic and ongoing and drive me mad. I refuse to engage.
ds is 14 and 6 foot tall.

ds won't get in the car- 'it is my turn to sit in front.'
me- get in the back or I will drive off and you can walk
ds refuses to move
me- start engine and drive off. Ds runs alongside car (big empty car park.) Then gives up and screams BITCH as he stomps away.

I drive a circuit round the car park, and then stop by him and he jumps in the back
DON'T EVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN YOU STUPID WOMAN
me- you have just lost your phone for the weekend, there is no way you are speaking to me like that, totally innappropriate.

On the way home, constant stream of comment on my driving, on the route home (roadworks are causing lots of traffic jams at the moment, so we keep trying alternatives)
4 times more he called me stupid, one of which was stupid bugger, also called me silly, dangerous driver (because I drove off without him and with him running by car) Harangued me for several minutes over how I had 'put the girls in danger' (I hadn't)
Repeats AGAIN twenty times about what a ridiculous route home I have chosen.

Get home, will not hand phone over. Dh is home, I call him down, ds is cornered in hall, and we get phone off him. In the process he shouts more rudeness, and accuses me of lying and tells me I never told him why his phone was going and on and on and on.

I'm afraid at this point I shout back and tell him that we don't want him downstairs when he is so foul mouthed and antisocial, so he can go to his room (x box is downstairs)

I know he was tired and irritable (always after school) and I know he was upset over the car etc. And I know he will calm down and apologise, but I am really sick to the stomach that he can say this stuff and throw it at me when he is cross.

He has never heard any adult speak that way, we don't even swear!
He doesn't even get it that calling me 'woman' like that is unbelievably rude.

I don't know where it comes from, and I am so tired of having 'defend' myself against a child.

Then tomorrow he will probably be lovely and funny and kind and I will wonder why I get stressed.

well, we had a very nice evening.
except I had a phone call from dd2 just after we left.

we left at 7, my mum was arriving at 7:15. mainly for dd2's benefit.
I left them with food. Massive strop again from ds because I had done a quick meal for the kids from the freezer, chicken for ds and chicken nuggets for dd2 (dd1 was out). ds threw a strop because he wanted nuggets. (toddler indeed) tried to pinch dd2s nuggets.

I ended up having to say - if you try to pinch dd2s nuggets again you will lose x box for the whole weekend.

We left. On way to our friends I get a phone call from dd2, ds has taken and eaten a handful of her nuggets.

When we got home, furious ds - apparently it is all a trap by dd2 so he loses his x box, she phoned me but he had done nothing etc etc.

More stropping and screaming when I said he had lost x box.
All around how we believe dd2 and not him.

Very very angry boy now upstairs, still banging round his room.

I am not an easy touch. Every time he is pulled up on it. Dh backs me to the hilt.

What a nice way to spoil the end to my nice evening.

now facing a weekend of hell.
No screens and very angry, what a great combination.

I am sorry OP but him having no phone or Xbox for the weekend is going to escalate this further. Was it really worth removing the xbox for a few nuggets

Can you dial this down, he gets back one of them if he helps you in the house this morning

I agree his language is really unacceptable but the whole situation now needs de-escalating so you can get the point of communicating how things need to be going forwards without the warfare

Was it really worth removing the xbox for a few nuggets

I would say it’s more about his rudeness and the fact that he nicked them from his sister who also has to eat.

OP I had a thread like thus a couple of weeks ago. Everyone told me to be strong and I was. I followed through and banned his wi-fi for a week. It was tough because like you said, when they are 6ft and towering over you you just don’t have the same authority.

But I kept to the program and he is now going through a good spell. I’ve done my utmost to praise his good behaviour and appeal to his better side which I feel is working.

Stay strong. You’re doing an amazing job and make sure you take some time away for yourself where you can get away from the stomach-churning stress of a bad atmosphere.

I don't know OP. Sometimes getting rid of all the screens actually removes people from hell.

Toddlers is so right, mine vary in attitude but definitely toddlers who are petulant about getting their own way.

You need to be careful you are not feeding the monster - getting into an argument with a teenager is never a good idea - only discuss issues when they and you are calm and rational.
I would favour the consequences approach, refuse to drive him anywhere, make him walk or get the bus when possible - you were doing a nice thing for him and he treated you appallingly - he needs to be reminded that most things you do for him are optional and you can easily stop doing them if he continues to show such little appreciation. I would let him know how hurt you are - teens need reminding that parents are people too and they hurt. If things seem to be getting more and more difficult a bit of love bombing can help reset your relationship.

I think as the elder and taller sibling he should have got into the front.

I hate people who think the older child Ian some how more entitled - they aren't - youngest will never get to be the eldest so it's a crap way to parent.

Yes take turns, but they don't get to demand front seat

Do not excuse that behaviour "doesn't even know how rude he's being"

The fact that he wouldn't speak to grandma like that makes it obvious that he knows exactly how rude he was being and is being a spoilt little shit. Never mind losing his phone for a week, take a hammer to it

My two have agreed that one gets in the front on the way to somewhere and the other on the way home. The front seat passenger gets to link up their phone to bluetooth, they choose the music for the car from their phone - they love doing this. If they fail to resolve the dilemma as to who gets in the front - I will not allow either to get in the front - I will give them a timed period, usually 60 secs, if the argument continues no one gets in the front and I won't budge or speak until they are both belted up in the back seat.

Orange - normally they do one on the front on the way there and the other on the way home. No arguments.
dd2 is not normally in the car. On this occasion she was in the car as we had been shopping and was sitting in the front.

So, yes, in principle they have worked it out. The entitlement when they don't get their turn is unbelievable.

so, dd2 has just been round to her friends for an hour and has come home and had a huge melt down because
"I won't let her on minecraft until her room is tidy and that will take hours and then tommorrw dd1 will be on minecraft and...."

My crime was that before she went to her friends I asked her to put her clean washing away.

I despair

Well I hope you stood there and rolled your eyes very loudly at her!
Chin up, you’re doing a great job (though it seems a thankless task most of the time), have a large glass of wine tonight and one day you’ll look back at these times and grin.
I read this thread and thought - yep been there, done that. And I’d have done the same 😉🍷

OP I had DS almost 6ft almost 14 year old setting himself at me and speaking to very aggressively several times this weekend.

No advice really just sympathy fortunately DH was around told him off severely and told me to be careful when he isn’t in as he looked like he was almost going to attack me.

I was asking him to please tidy his room at the time which was a tip as he’d had a sleepover last nights he was on his iPad with headphones in whilst I was trying to iron school shirts. Obviously resent me interrupting his iPad marathon.

I’d say he can have his phone and Xbox back when he can behave like a civilised human being. He also has a working pair of legs at 6 foot tall, they’ll come in handy