Daughters 'friends'

[Mcee]

Hi all, new to MN, thought I'd join to see if I can get some sound advice!
My 14yr old DD is suffering from the age old problem of 'bitchy friends' . She's not sure what she's done but two particular ex friends (no idea why she's ex!) are being really nasty on social media about her and turning many DD friends against her. Making life at school very hard and upsetting. She's had a really tough year outside of school. Which they will know about.
We have screenshots of some of the stuff and it's really vicious. Going to the school is not an option for her at the moment as she says it'll make them worse. I so want to speak to parents but again that could make things worse.
I've tried to give her some advice on how to handle things, but she's not coping well at all.
Why are teenage girls so bloody spiteful and bitchy?
Anyone got any good advice I can give her to cope with this and develop a thick skin?
I know if she were doing this to others I'd want to know 😪

Hi all, once again, thanks for advice.

She can't see the nasty comments as they are on someone else's profile which is blocked.

It's a few people that can see the page, showing her these things. I don't think there's a huge amount of it, it's more so when they are at school. Her school is one of the biggest in the country,

Fortunately they don't have break times, just have an hour for lunch, which is when most of the 'don't sit with IT over there come sit with us, takes place

I've tried to get her in with the counsellor but they are full. But she's says taking her off social media will be punishing her and will make it worse.

A school friend of mine is deputy of the sixth form and is aware 'off the record' but she doesn't see her so won't be witnessing anything.

I've seen a Snapchat from one and it's 'cba anymore... you were bitching about us before you blanked us....'which they think is an explanation/justification of how they are treating her.

Thing is she swears blind she never did & only questioned other people as to what she was supposed to have done when these girls blanked her. One of the girls didn't even know why they were excluding her and calling her names 🤔

She's booked in to see a counsellor outside of school who will hopefully give her some sound guidance etc. I want her to toughen up and not run away from it. A couple of more weeks and I will go to her school

I had a similar situation with my dd in year 8, her former friends were being absolutely vile and they all turned against her, at school and on social media. She wasn't one of the most confident girls to start with but being on her own against a gang of stronger girls almost broke her. She begged me not to say anything to the school but I went behind her back and emailed her form teacher, stressing that it was confidential and that if it got out that I'd emailed the teacher things could get much worse for my dd. Anyway it was dealt with amazingly by the school, they watched the bullies' behaviour covertly and punished them based on what they had witnessed, not just against my dd but other kids too. My dd was thrilled that they laid off her and never knew that it was down to me messaging the form teacher.
They had previously picked on another girl over social media whose mum went nuclear and screen shot the messages and sent them to the bullies' mums. They all went on the defensive, said the original girl had been nasty first and subsequently deleted her messages. I therefore wouldn't recommend you contact the bullies' mums, their girls will tell them a different version of events and people always stick up for their own kind kids.

A quick update, after a tutor evening at school my dd opened up to her. Agreed to do a few things to make her more comfortable... moving seats etc and will be keeping an eye on things. Hopefully we have turned the corner

Do not approach the girls!

Do not contact the parents!

Do contact the school welfare officer (in confidence if needs be)

This is awful, my sympathies to you & your DD. This is bullying! If your daughter can laugh it off/deal with it herself, perhaps give it a wait and see for a period, say two to four weeks to see if it just dies down when the girls get bored, move on, and stop.

Otherwise, you really need to tell the school. Perhaps you can talk to the school in confidence, maybe there have already been complaint about those girls & this will help the school get a bigger picture. Cyber-bullying will be taken really seriously by the school.

Read the recent thread about the harrowing long-term effects of bullying on people's lives. It's great that your DD is telling you about this, keep taking screen-shots of all social media/texts. Maybe your DD would be willing to talk to a counsellor/youth worker outside school to get confidential advice and reassurance.

Good luck to you both!