Struggling with DS14, depression and family members

[Wacadu]

DS14 has been diagnosed with depression and we have a CAMHS appointment next month.

He's never been an angel and I'm strict with discipline but I'm struggling with the difference between simple bad behaviour and depressive behaviour. I feel that punishing him for things beyond his control is counterproductive but at the same time, I can't let him off with everything.

My parents don't understand depression and have washed their hands of him recently because of it, and I can't get them to understand how much pain he's in. I feel like I'm caught in the middle and nobody else understands.

I have a really good relationship with DS and he tells me everything, including when he self harms. But I'm under pressure to constantly punish him for every little thing and it's causing ructions within the family. It's making me doubt my own feelings about what is usual teenage behaviour and what isn't.

What kind of things are you punishing for and what method of punishment are you using? At this stage consequences of poor decisions are a better learning tool that punishments, even for a teen with no mental health issues.

You're the parent. Your parents don't get to decide how you manage his behaviour.
I would avoid punishing any child for every little thing.
What sort of things do you mean? I'm mortified to admit this by my depression had me shower dodging, not cleaning my teeth as often as I should and struggling to get out of bed. I also got a block on certain things. Couldn't face dealing with car insurance etc. (don't worry DH did insure it!)

This sounds awful for you Wacadu, esp without the support of family. I take it he has behaved badly (as they see it) to his grandparents then? Do you think if you could get some professional written material for them to read they might start to at least think it may not be just bad behaviour and cut him some slack?

Anyhow, focus on DS first and foremost and it's great that you have such a good relationship. As I'm not in know of your family dynamics it's hard to comment on those you say are putting you under pressure. What sort of thing do you class as those 'every little thing'? But yes with that in mind you see a lot of advice on here from parents struggling with teens and the advice is often 'pick your battles'. If you have a battle about everything you've know 'ammunition' left for the more major issues.

Before you get your app is it worth looking at some teen mental health websites eg Young Minds? I think, depression or not, you have to try and set some sort of standards of attitude and behaviour, that's not to say you are down like a ton of bricks if he doesn't please and thank you all the time but at least show him that basic manners would be nice. The best way to show this is to set the example with him and with others by showing manners and respect, just as you would do with a younger child. The rules don't really change but you have to realise they are changing (both normally and also affected by the illness) and try to adapt a bit. Tricky I know!

I'm sure others will be along with good advice.

He is respectful mostly and knows the boundaries and has excellent manners, but I have to set house rules like if he takes too long to get ready in the morning and misses his bus, he loses his xbox that evening. If he doesn't do his chores, he loses internet time etc. These rules are enforced and he accepts that. I think these would be the basics in most houses.

However, DS was at my parents house recently when he was off school ill and they told him he was spending too much time on his phone, being lazy and unmotivated, and needed to get out more. Basically saying it was all his own fault that he felt like this. It was too much for DS14 to cope with and he walked out to come home. My parents said this was outrageous and demanded that he lose his xbox for a whole week.

Today after school, DS had an argument with his sister and got an earful from my parents again. He said he was going into the bedroom to watch TV but climbed out the window and went home. When he got home he trashed his room then phoned me in hysterics. All he wanted was a hug.

Now my parents want nothing to do with him, at a time when he needs all the support he can get. I also feel like I'm fighting against them when I should be concentrating on my son.

Forcryinoutloud some written material for them sounds like an excellent idea.

Being unmotivated. Yep. That was me with depression. Everything I did felt like wading through treacle. I couldn't make myself do stuff that I knew that I should.
I think I would avoid them looking after him or having sole responsibility for him if they have the "pull yourself together" attitude. It's not helpful.
FWIW I did pull myself (mostly!) together. It took medication and CBT and hard work using the strategies I had been taught. You can't just decide to not be depressed. If bloody only.

I don't think your parents are helping at all. They certainly shouldn't be telling you how to punish him. I have to admit when I read he'd climbed out of the window, I thought, "Good for you!"

My parents said this was outrageous and demanded that he lose his xbox for a whole week. Good grief Wacadu your parents sound like a lot of hard work when you have enough on your plate with DS. They should not be exacting out punishments for you to follow, this is not good grandparenting. It sounds to me like you are a very sensible parent and they should be letting you take the lead and giving you more support.

I wonder if you are struggling so much because you have to rely on your parents for some childcare? Do they expect you to follow their rules still?. Perhaps it's time to firmly say that you will respectfully listen to them but you know what's best for your child.

Wolfiefan Yes I can relate too because of two bouts of depression, including self harm so I know something of how he's feeling. It's unbearable but my parents have never gone through that.

MyBrilliantDisguise Me too.

Forcryinoutloud I do have to rely on them for childcare though not as much now since DS is older. I am reluctant to leave him in the house alone however as he has thought about suicide, but I think the grandparents make things worse.

I know their main concern is me and how this is affecting me, but I just want them to be able to see things from his point of view.

You need to disengage from your parents

Your parents sound like they are a cause of MH problems.