Does it ever get better for teen girls?

[DD0314]

DD14 seems to just get crap after crap with friends. Seemed to find one good one and now she's switched on her too. She's literally lost all hope and doesn't want to be at school. We've had two referrals for counselling but she refuses to go. She's saying some really worrying things and I don't know how to make it better. Will be on the phone to behaviour team at school tomo but it's not guaranteed I'll get to speak to her in the morning. Literally feel sick for my daughter.

You mean she's keeps falling out with her friends? Or can't keep a friend?

She can't keep a friend. she was bullied quite badly in her first two years so third year moved to new school. Made a few friends then fell out with the group because DD wouldn't "go out with" one of their male friends. Ever since then she's had people she speaks to but when she tries to take it further someone will stir and it goes to pot. She doesn't have anyone her age she can actually rely on or even socialise with. It's heartbreaking

What does she do outside of school?
It can often help to have people other than those you are at school with, both as additional friends, but also sometimes to 'normalise' things or give a bit of perspective if she has got in with an odd crowd at school

Things definitely do get better (or at least they did for us!). DD really struggled to make friends when she first started, and then for most of the first two years of high school my DD was in a friendship group of five where she was constantly the sort of "fifth" member and slightly left out. In year 9 the classes and sets all got mixed up and she and one of the other girls in said group made some new friends in class - which caused the originally three friends to be very mean (a really horrible birthday card/ inviting to go places and then not showing up/ purposefully making sure she felt excluded). Beginning of year 10 and DD sat with her new friends and has been settled and happy ever since. Girls generally get less mean as they get older in my experience, as they become more settled in who they are and find their real friends. The ones who stay mean are the very insecure ones.

She should definitely join extra curricular activities - both ones that run at school and out of school. I'd also say she needs to almost "start afresh" - talk to and befriend new people who have no or very little connection with her previous group. It'll be difficult at first, but hopefully it'll mean the previous set leave her alone more and aren't able to tamper. It seems difficult and unfair right now, but it all gets better in year 11 and especially sixth form I'd say.

I gave up on 'school' friends by about year 7. Yes I had mates and people to hang around with and be pleasant to, but I could take or leave them (and they were often bullying me subtly). For me things changed at about age 15 when out of school activities really kicked in (for me it was scouting/guiding and church) I found people who were interested in the same things as me and thought like me.
I found a really good school friend in year11, I don't know if it was that I was more confident and had changed, or we just happened to find each other.
Since leaving school I have had absolutely no problem finding friends, but there was something about kids in school, which has meant school friends never happened for me.

DD had a horrific time at 14 as well. It just takes one bitchy ringleader to stir up trouble and you feel the whole world is against you.

The bitchy ringleaders always know which is the most vulnerable child to pick on as well. In DD's case things did get a lot better. She found someone who was a massive support and a good friend to her.

Parenting through these years is horrible. You have my sympathy.

Hi DD0314, I am sorry you are going through all this. So you feel she is actually going through some sort of bullying then? If that's the case and she is saying worrying things then I would absolutely insist that you get to speak to someone at the school who can understand what the issues are for your DD. Also, they need to know if you are at the stage where she is refusing to go to school. I know it's tough OP but please try and be firm with the school.

Keep communication open with your DD and reassure her that these particular girls do not have to represent all girls. I would echo what the other poster have said, in a nutshell:-

1. New friends/ someone to chat to who has no involvement with the other group. 2)Find an interest group/club in school where she can meet people with a similar interest.
2. Get involved with something outside school, church group, hobby, sport etc.

My DD has never had many friends and had an awful time in primary and I'd say up to year 9/10 but she joined a martial arts class and gained more confidence in herself. I keep telling myself (and her!) girls will get better when they mature a bit. I hope you can get help on her and some support, tell your DD she is not alone if that helps! Unfortunately there are lots of similar posts about children going through some rotten times. It's so hard as a parent. Good luck.

Yes and no. Girls do become less mean as they get older although there are always one or two that never give it up! My DD has experience of this sort of thing in Y8/Y9 and although things are better and she does have friends, I don't think school will ever be the 'best years of life' experience for her (which of course is a blessing when you leave!). LIke others have mentioned, outside hobbies and friends help to keep things in perspective as well as improve self esteem etc.

I have spent time looking at my own school time lately. And I guess what makes me feel better about my DD's experiences is that - I had a lot of friends at school, I was good at fitting in but when I got the chance to move on I only stayed in touch with friends that I didn't hang around with! Why? Because I realised I didn't actually like any of the ones I heavily socialised with so as soon as I could 'safely' ditch them I did! What does that say about school friendships?

Try and persuade your daughter to go to counselling, it will help to get some of her feelings off her chest and draw a line underneath some of her experiences. Tell her she is not alone and that not giving into peer pressure to date a boy she doesn't want to shows how strong and true to herself she is.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
We had similar but unfortunately had to take our dd out of school earlier this year (year 10) but I'm sure we are worst case scenario.
Encourage the counselling and pester school for some help.

for all the DDs and mums/dads

Sending virtual hugs to all

not giving into peer pressure to date a boy she doesn't want to shows how strong and true to herself she is. Good point and very good post trying, and thanks.