14yr DD ... help - admitted sexual contact to a friend

[Fancythat99]

Name changed for this.
Wow ... I don't know what to do think/say.
I was looking for nail polish in my 14yo daughter's room and picked up a note in her drawer written to a close friend.
She apologised for not telling her that she had been fingered and had given a handjob to a boy on holiday (she has known him since meeting him a year earlier, on holiday. He is 17 btw). She had also 'sent' to two boys. I guess this means she has sent a picture? I which case, I'm worried about the implications.
She is bright, sociable (obviously!) musical and lovely.
I mean, I know teens far more and do far than we ever did, but is this normal? I am shocked, but should I be?
Words of wisdom would be appreciated....

I bet that was a shock for you OP!

I think you need to talk to her, I wouldn't say you found the note though.

I would say something like your aware she's probably taking interest in boys and that she shouldn't ever feel pressured by boys or what her friends are doing. She always has the right to say no and its her/mutual choice what happens between them.

Remind her your here to talk and if she should ever need help with contraception etc. I wouldn't have a go at her as she will never come to you again.

I would also remind her that stuff she does in her early teens may well be something she regrets later in life when she does find someone to settle down with etc.

I would definitely make her aware that she shouldn't send photos no matter how much she trusts the person she's sending to as they could easily be distributed and it would require police intervention for 'revenge porn'. There are a lot of Netflix's docs with story lines around this and lots of paper articles which you could refer her to.

Maybe even create a fictional friends daughter who did this and how it was shared and she had to move schools etc. sounds a bit extreme but this is what would worry me most.

Red - thanks for your reply and yes, agree with everything you have said. I am a secondary school teacher and know that the whole sexting thing is a huge issue. She has had plenty of talks at school about this, but I'll make sure she understands on a one-to-one basis, I was thinking if discussing the article recently in the paper of a girl being peoscecutednfor sending photos to an older man.
I don't want want to betray her trust and she has always been very open.

Do you have any friends with older daughters you could ask to talk to her? might be a bit less cringe for her and she might relate to them a bit more.

I wouldn't worry about betraying her trust, if you came across the note by accident (even if your didn't your her mother and have her best interest at heart). Just try and keep your communication line open with her so your approachable should she need to talk.

I'd be speaking to her and asking her to explain what I'd come across in her room and then reading her the riot act. Along with talking etc and discussing what we do and do not do etc etc. I'd also hammer home the consequences of doing this stuff and I'd be keeping a much closer eye on her.

She's 14 so still needs parenting properly so I certainly wouldn't be going all 'respecting her privacy.'

I have a 19 year old daughter and we had these things - sort of! - crop up from time to time. I was always pretty pro active with dealing with them and if I was cross or felt she'd crossed a line then she knew about it

She still speaks to me don't be afraid to say what you think to her

Totally agree with frankystein - if your cross or disgusted with her actions, let her know. She has to know that you finding out something like that is going to come with consequences and hopefully she'll think twice because of that.

God know how many times as a kid myself I didn't do something because I knew my mum would go ballistic if she found out.!!!

At the same time, I would then later sit and talk it through in a more calm controlled manner.

I can understand why you're shocked but as a 30 year old I remember myself and my peers getting up to similar at age 14.
I'd talk to her about relationships, safety and being mature enough to make these decisions. Also the dangers of sending pictures.
I'd be more concerned about the boy being 17; three years is a big age gap at that age.
Also make sure it's definitely true and not your daughter trying to look more mature to her friend.

Also If you read her the riot act she won't talk to you again about these things and it won't necessarily stop her doing it.

Can't really help as I am not a mother of a teen or a daughter but I don't think reading the riot act will work.

Sometimes it can make you go and do the complete opposite and act worse, I know it's not always the case but I don't think shaming her is the way forward either. I would just explain about safety/respect/right person etc she of consent maybe!

I think she should know that you're aware of what she's been up to though.

Thanks for your replies.
I feel like going ballistic, but I don't want to make the situation worse. She's been such a good kid and this is the first moment where I feel at a crossroads about what's the right action to take.
I know the age gap isn't right for a relationship - but this was more of a holiday setting where there were a group of about 8-10 teens from age 12-17 who have become friends over a number of years. It is a small development in Spain where they swim, play football, hang out all day and evening. Obviously the nature of these friendships has shifted somewhat as they have become older.....

Send her to a convent! But seriously just talk to her. Both of the things that you have described are illegal.

I think 14 sounds awfully young to us and I agree with the advice from others RE talking to her about the sexting in particular.

However, I don't think what she has done is all that unusual these days. I'm fairly young still (mid twenties) and I know that my friends and I were beginning to be sexually active and experimenting with boys at 14 and I definitely wasn't telling my Mum! Just let her know you're there if she wants to talk. You make her sound like she's got her head screwed on, I know she's your baby but don't go blowing it out of proportion or you may lose her trust.

Absolute nonsense to her not telling you anything if you read her the riot act over this. She's hardly confided in you this time around has she?

Honestly, all this soft stepping around young teenagers is NOT the way to go. She's 14! I'd be horrified to discover what you have and if I was her mother, she'd know all about it. I'd then want reassurances that it stops and it stops NOW

I sound strict and over bearing. I'm not. But what's the alternative? You let her just crack on? Don't be scared to parent her

Thanks for your words of advice - trying to find the right moment....