15 yr old son constant text from ex girlfriend - help and advice please

[wja66]

Hi everyone
i've just joined mumsnet and so i'm posting for the first time and hope someone can help as I'm at a loss as to what to do. My lovely 15 year old son went out with a girl, also 15, for a few days 8 months ago then she broke up with him and went out with her previous boyfriend. Nothing new or different so far and that should have been the end of it. But this is where I think life is so different for teens these days. Instead of letting this first time crush die and be consigned to the those lovely memories you have when you're older the girl has continued to text him every day since sometimes up to 50 times in one day. Again no problem if he ignored them or blocked them but no he responds to every text and hopes that he still has a chance, she is keeping his dreams alive and him on a string. He won't talk to us about it but i see the messages appear on his phone all the time and hear him crying in the shower. He's uncommunicative and sad all the time and I am really worried for him. Me and my husband have both spoke to him but with the constant contact from this girl we feel powerless to help him. I am at a loss without just removing his phone and then his friends support - any advice would be really helpful. Thank you.

I'd be tempted to speak to her myself and ask her to stop. Alternatively speak to her parents and get them to stop her texting him. It's causing him pain and, as you say, preventing him from moving on and he needs protection.
I remember the relative of an ex boyfriend of mine phoning me up when I was a teenager and telling me off because I was inadvertently giving the ex bf false hope - I really hadn't meant to - I was just young and rather selfishly enjoying the attention - I felt terrible and it gave me a huge wake up call about the effect my actions were having.

I think taking away his phone would be wrong.
It must be awful to hear him getting so upset but sadly we can't stop our children from getting their heart broken.
8 months however is an awfully long time for them to stay in contact, maybe try sitting him down again and explaining that it's time to move on.
I disagree with talking to the girl or her parents - to your 15 year old son that would be humiliating.

Oh ffs ... he'll soon realise the texts aren't going any where and crack on with a new more available girl. Who says he's not pestering her by texting her. He's obviously replying.

I honestly think your prying into your sons life too much.

Though if He's crying in the shower perhaps he wants you to pry

I think she's enjoying it. It's her behaviour that needs to be stopped. Your son shouldn't be punished by having his phone taken away. Can he be encouraged to block her number?

Thank you it's so nice that people take the time to give advice I really appreciate it. He's my 3rd child and you'd think I'd know what to do by now but I'm at a loss with the technology that means you can be reminded of mistakes or ex's 24hrs a day. Not like in our day when you finished and didn't see them again unless you were unlucky! I have only got worried after it's been 8 months and he's become sad and depressed - I just want to shake him and tell him to get some self respect but I am worried after reading about teenage suicide - they do stupid things sometimes over things we think of as trivial - so thanks again for all your advice. I'm going to try speaking to him again and maybe asking him to voluntarily block her - some time off should do it and hopefully just learn a painful lesson.

My ds had this with an ex.
I text her dm explaining I was worried about her mh.
Nc after that. .

As hard as it is, this isn't your relationship or love life and it's a mistake he will have to make and resolve himself. He clearly doesn't want to speak to you about it, and tbh you're probably making it worse by trying to interfere (I know he's your son and you don't want to hear that, but imagine your mum when you were 15 and she wouldn't stop trying to 'fix' it) let him be, if she breaks his heart he will heal and yes it's not nice to see but there is nothing you can do other than be there for him. You have only seen the surface of their relationship, you don't know the ins and outs and you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Just take a step back and let him sort it himself, I am sure if he needs any advice he will go to family or friends, whoever he feels most comfortable talking to this about (and it may not be you, but don't take it personally) x

I'm with winter
I would be texting the mum
It's not right or normal for her still to be texting.
He is 15
I have a 15 year old - I would intervene absolutely and defintely I would intervene

For pete's sake don't text her or her mum. And don't take his phone away. Talk to him about why it's a better idea not to keep texting someone that's chucked you, but let him make his own choices.

My ds asked me to text her dm as she was threatening to self harm unless he met up with her.
At 15 I think adult intervention is essential at times.

Can you block her and delete her contact info with him?

That's a bit different tbh. There's no suggestion of that here. I agree that adult intervention is maybe necessary here, but it should be from each parent to their own child and imo shouldn't consist of him having his phone taken off him.

Your poor boy sobbing in the shower must be unbearable for you

Another one for speaking to her mother although I would do it in person

Yes he may be annoyed with you but in time he will see the reasons and may even be grateful for the intervention

Are you sure that the sobbing etc is not for broader reasons? As in why is he feeling like crumbs from this girl matter still, does he lack friends in general, is he struggling with social skills, is he depressed or lacking self esteem for other reasons.

I would ignore the girl and the texts and focus on trying to get him to open up about everything else or at least point him in some directions if he doesn't feel able to speak to you about it.

Good luck x

Fifteen year old are still children and occasionally need their parents' help sometimes!
I'd be inclined to have a serious word with him and tell him to block her. If that doesn't work, speak to school or the mother. I am guessing that if this was happening to a daughter, some responses would be very different.

I'm another who would contact the girls parents.

That amount of communication is excessive given the nature of their relationship.

I'm sorry to say but I think she's stringing him along and enjoying the attention. It's cruel.

If she wanted to be with him, she would be. As such, he actions are both unhelpful and unfeeling.

I'd try and speak to the parents or telephone. Given you don't know what response you'll get, I deliberately wouldn't put anything in writing (email/text) that they could show their daughter and that she could potentially copy and show "friends".

I'd broach it that you are worried about both of them and that the dynamic between them is unhealthy. I'd say it's clear the relationship isn't going anywhere and as such it would be better for them both to have the space to move on.

My response wouldn't, at all. I had my heart broken at 15 and my mum wouldn't have dreamt of texting his mum (even though they were friends) or taking my phone off me. She did 'intervene', but by talking to me about it, gradually getting me to open up, talking about her own experiences at my age. I don't think you're ever too old to have your mum counsel you through heartbreak.

It really isn't on to accuse a 15 year old girl of 'stringing along' a boy or 'enjoying the attention'.

Why not? I've seen it done plenty of times.

Just because you're a teenager doesn't mean you are immune to poor behaviour - in fact due to a lack of maturity, you are more likely to engage in it, because you don't understand how hurtful it is.

I'm not suggesting she's being deliberately malicious. However, frankly I can't possibly come to any other conclusion that she is stringing him along. She was responsible for the spilt and if she wanted to be his girlfriend she could be. However the facts are she has continued to engage in excessive communication that's keeping his hopes alive unfairly.

Because it's an inappropriate thing to say about a child and smacks of misogyny.

However, frankly I can't possibly come to any other conclusion that she is stringing him along.

Really? From hearing one side's mum's version you can't even consider any other possible conclusion?

She was responsible for the spilt and if she wanted to be his girlfriend she could be.

'Responsible for the split', again, sounds like you're describing an adult relationship.

However the facts are she has continued to engage in excessive communication

The facts as OP has told them are that "he responds to every text", though.

She ended the relationship. Hence was responsible for the split.

Yes, we are only hearing one perspective - hence why I would want to speak to her parents.

As for smacking of misogyny - not at all. I'd say the same think if the position was reversed. Boys are just as capable of "stringing" girls along - I've had to deal with that with DSD.

I’m after advice.
My teenage son (Age 16) has been feeling quite low since September when he returned to school. He’s completed his final year in school under a huge amount of pressure having to complete 34 assessments and the stress of covid and various lockdowns made him feel low as was unable to see his mates. He’s had a girlfriend for nearly a year and they planned so much for the summer talking about what they would do this summer now that the stress would hopefully be over but now his girlfriend has ended their relationship. Even though she’s ended their relationship they still message each other every day and when we are in bed we can hear him crying on the phone to her. The first two weeks were awful with him and I took him to the doctors because he asked for help and wanted to speak to somebody so he’s now been referred but we feel he needs to block her on his phone because he seems to get better and then he see a photo of her and then starts texting her or she’s doing the same to him. She’s been telling him that’s there’s a good chance that they might get back together and we feel she’s dangling him on a bit of string. Even though they’d split up he sneaked her into our house at 5am the other day as she was locked out of her house and didn’t want to get into trouble and when she got home the following morning she messaged him 1 hour later to say she didn’t want to get back. It’s just messing with his head.
I know her mother because I went to school with her so I’m just wondering if I should contact her and ask her if she could have a word with her daughter but I know my son would be cross if I did that.

He’s meant to be going to Reading Festival at end of August but my husband and I are worried sick about him. Telling him he can’t go will be the next thing for him to get upset over but I don’t see how we can let him go with his mates because she’s going with her friends too.

Any advice would be helpful

I would speak to the parents. They are kids are can't be expected to sort this out