Fair restrictions for an 18 yo

[keeponworking]

Hi all. My DS was 18 in July.

He wants a motorbike (thanks dickhead XH for putting that idea in his head, he was quite happy with a car before). Regardless of whether he wants a car or a motorbike, he needs to get a job in order to afford the running costs and maintenance etc that goes with car or bike ownership. And there's the personal and social development and experience of being at work and, for someone who prefers to spend all their time alone, the confidence to be gained (pre-University or pre-'proper' work) is something he really really needs.

He's made NO effort and sadly until he does, even if I could completely afford it myself, I'm not shelling out a penny when he hasn't got the means to contribute financially to ANY of it. He has 1.5 days a week and every other weekend and evenings where he could work a job.

Would it be unreasonable to 'force' things along a bit by giving him notice that beyond a certain date:

• I'm no longer going to pay for his Microsoft Xbox Live payments
• No longer pay for his mobile phone?

What do you think - might that give him the shove that's needed??

Of course, his dad I wanna be the fun parent might well cough up for those things himself thus teaching DS absolutely nothing about what might be an appropriate show of commitment to how you go about getting something that you want in life. But there's nothing I can do about that.

Interested to see what others have done and whether this seems fair, bullying or what.

No I agree very much that there's variation at this age - they're NOT all the same despite what others might say.

I've JUST told him about a job at a local shop - he's asking conversed with me about it (!!!). Now whether he'll go there and submit a CV or not I do not know. It's good long shifts all day Sat and all day Sun and walking distance. I only found out about it by chance and mentioned it to him. I advised if he was interested he needed to print off a CV and get round there quick sharp because once the ad goes up in the shop window, the job will be gone.

The rest is up to him. Watch this space!

Yay sounds like progress there!

Well, that all came to nothing!! I'm not sure if from the stress of the thought of going job hunting but he got an absolutely massive migraine, one of the worse he's had for ages. It took 3 days for his head to finally feel normal again - if that job's still going I'll eat my hat!!

Still, I'll see I guess if he goes there or not as he's not been to the shop to drop a CV yet.....

Anxiety is a real problem - it needs understanding and support but the temptation is to come down on them like a tonnes of bricks - get him to do stuff around the house that he has never done - make bread, mow the lawn, make dinner or try a new recipe!

Yes I think we worked out that this is the cause of his migraines. I won't be pushing him. It was good just to hear him last week talking about going to Uni (and he's checked several out) and how he'd have to figure out how to fit a job in etc... so that's quite positive. Baby steps I think, pushing him won't work so he will either take up the idea of the job at this local job or he won't and at the end of the day, he's got my support with it, but it is up to him to decide what to do.

Sorry to hear about the migrane, but I think the fact that he was interested at all is progress. Keep encouraging without pushing and he'll get there.

I will user. He's made no moves to go there, then I happened to see a local fast food outlet was advertising as needing staff - also told him about this, has also done nothing about that too. My experience since GCSEs is that pushing made NO difference at all. Gentle encouragement is what's required, very much in the background, and see what develops - at his rate.

Keen I love that you have understood your confused teen - time, love, encouragement and kindness go a long way!!

Thank you orange. You question yourself and benchmark against other children of the same age, but he was a July baby and that extra (or less,) year is really obvious. Added to being very shy with not a grabby or pushing yourself in front bone in his body, it's not something I think we can rush (as frustrating as it can be at times, and worrying because you do think, Christ, will he give up on life altogether!!).