DD 15 - weed, alcohol and no self control

[W1tsend73]

Don't even know where to start. My DD was a hard working, lovely caring young lady. The last 6 months she has joined the 'cool' kids and now is unrecognisable. She has been caught shoplifting, been in trouble at school, smokes in uniform etc. Whilst I get that teens will experiment, she is totally out of control and has no ability to make any reasonable decisions. She has been smoking weed after school and even posts pictures of herself doing it! She steals, sneaks out when she's not allowed and lies about where she is and who she's with. We've tried coming down hard on her and she self harmed. We've tried treating her maturely and she's made bad choices. I think we need some help - but not sure where to turn? GP, school, social services?

If she's changed that dramatically could there be something else going on with her? Something that has happened to her maybe?

Sorry that's not much help, other will be along with much better advice I'm sure

I have been there with my DD now 19. I could have written your post word for word when she was 15/16. To start with I advise you to keep telling her how much you love her and that you will help her to get through this.

It seems impossible to be nice at times I know but if you do what I did and argue with her and get on her case all the time things will get worse. It is excruciating to watch and I feel for you.

I would try to get on her side. Tell her you are concerned about her, not cross, and get her to see her GP. My DD's behaviour was the same and I thought it was challenging teenage behaviour. Most teenagers challenge their parents but not to the extent that your DD is doing and my DD did.

Self harming is a very serious issue and she needs help. Your doctor can advise.

Try to find out if some thing has happened. Did she fall out with her friendship group, did anyone assault her, is someone putting pressure on her?

Talk to her school and see what they recommend. A supportive teacher or school counsellor can really make a difference. If close family can support her that can be helpful too and if so call them in to talk to her and spend time with her.

My DD told me that looking back she knew she was depressed from about 14 years of age. I really wish I had known that at the time.

Teenage girls can have poor body image and if you can encourage her to take up a martial art so something similar that could boost her confidence. Maybe spend a pampering day together with hair and nails etc to strengthen the bond between you. Anything you can do to keep her onside can only help.

So many young people are smoking weed nowadays. My DD did and it exacerbated her already emerging mental health problems. Perhaps the school can invite the police in to warn of the dangers to health and the impact that convictions can have on emoyment and travel opportunities.

It's a very tough time and the GP and school will give you good advice. If at all possible keep talking to her and try everything to keep her close. I spent years rowing with my DD and she threatened me and hit me a few times. You don't want things to escalate. Talk to everyone you can to get her help. Get counselling for yourself too.

I am conscious that there isn't one answer and I wish I could help you more.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. Myself and DD are great friends now. Best wishes.

Thanks for the advice. It's so difficult to know what to do for the best. I'm worried if I tell school about the weed smoking that they'll call the police or it will get escalated somehow. I think I'll try our GP. I've tried a private counsellor and my DD has just not turned up or cancelled without telling us. I do think there is a mental health issue (rather than an incident - but who knows?) and she is conflicted in some way and chooses to blot it out rather than deal with it. Her behaviour is affecting our whole family- we can't leave the house unattended. I even take my handbag into my bedroom at night so she can't rake through it! She has alienated all her nice friends that we knew well and were really happy she was friends with. My heart is broken...😥

I know your heart's broken, it's awful. Your GP can advise you how best to deal with the smoking weed issue.

I wouldn't involve social services. Stick with your GP and school. Your GP will probably refer her for counselling.

If she feels like harming herself she can ring Lifeline or similar organisations for younger people. Talking to a stranger can sometimes be better than face to face. You should also available of this service when you are not coping. You are definitely not alone although you must feel that you are the only one in this situation.

I wish I could help you because it's so awful. Check out online resources about dealing/communicating with teenagers. There are some great videos with experts giving advice on how to improve communication skills so that you don't walk yourself into an argument. Using the right language can really help ward off a row.

Don't forget to let school deal with issues at school. It's not your job to check her work etc. If she doesn't pass her exams believe me there is plenty of time for her to seek out different education opportunities when she is more stable. DD's attendance became erratic and this escalated the rows. She's 19 now and doing an Access course for University. I wasted a lot of time fighting a losing battle over my fear of her failing her exams which she failed anyway.

Don't compare her to her old friends you are only torturing yourself. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors in other people's homes and when all looks well it can sometimes be far from the case. I have seen this myself in the most seemingly stable homes.

I wouldn't impose punishments or confiscate phones etc if I had my time back. It caused massive rows and was just not worth it. Chose your battles and don't even bother trying to win an argument. It's not about winning, it's about finding out what's wrong with her.

Does she like animals? My DD has a dog who lives at her dad's. The dog stays with us sometimes as he calms her down. Horses can also have a calming effect.

I understand about the handbag, I locked my bedroom door.

Stay as strong as you can. I didn't do this when she was at her worst. Now that things are on the mend I exercise more, eat better, drink less, enjoy being back at work and feel pretty positive.

I have also learned to accept that her bipolar won't disappear but I think she will be able to manage her condition better as she gets older. She sure has learned a lot about life over the last few years. It's lovely having my DD back.

Thank you. It's just nice to have some support. Most of my friends are so judgmental and I don't feel I can talk to them. All your advice much appreciated xx

Ignore judgemental people, their lives are not as rosy as they lead people to believe. Take care of yourself and seek support where you can.

Just popped on to say Emerald's advice is spot on.

Hope you figure out what's behind this.

So we had what I thought was a good chat last night. She feels we are over reacting - she's ok, this is her choice etc. School is now involved (and have been great), they are going to provide some counselling in school. Then after an emotional couple of hours and hugs, I wake up to find her nicking money from my husbands wallet...
And this morning discovered she has self harmed again last night :(

This is not something you can fix in one night - patience will be needed.

Is there any chance she is being pressured into this behaviour or perhaps being groomed?

Grooming is definitely a fear - but I'm holding onto the thought that she is stealing money, so she's not being given things (weed) by anyone.

From a criminal psychologists point of view - teenagers start to go off the rails when they feel that they don't fit. In my experience, the best and most effective interventions are cadet organisations such as navy, air force etc.