Teenage boy with few friends

[Clarrita]

Need some advice on my 13 year old boy - he never seems to be invited around to friends houses and never initiates inviting someone around unless I suggest it and suggest who he might call of one or two children of my own friends who we go around with as families. He seems perfectly happy otherwise but is a bit sensitive and I wonder if I keep nagging him to invite someone round then he might pick up on my anxieties when in fact he might be perfectly happy with his lot. I don't think there is any problem at school, he is not being bullied and his tutor and teachers don't think there is a problem. We do live in a small rural villge with no other kids his own age though, he does play quite a bit of sport so its not like he is playing computer games all the time either - am I being neurotic?

No, just normal. My ds was exactly the same and I worried in exactly the same way. But I have learned to relax - he is happy alone, has made a few friends, and manages fine. You can't make them make friends, they may be much happier alone, and nagging or pressurising teenagers is a waste of valuable emotional energy. I would let him be - encourage but don't pressurise.

This sounds perfectly normal from my 2 DS experience. Does he MSN people at school or play games over the Internet - many boys prefer to do this than going out socialising?

Does he talk about having friends in school? My ds has found it quite hard to get really good friends (Year 7) in school, it seems like he'll make a friend for a couple of weeks then when they've exhausted the topic of whatever they have in common, they drift apart again. I've had 5 or 6 different lads back for tea etc at my instigation but there isn't a routine for repeat/reciprocal invites like there was at primary.

My ds still has 2 or 3 good friends in the village who he went to primary with (they all went to the comp) so still sees them after school especially now the weather's nice, but if they aren't around he's pretty much by himself.

As in your case, I think I'm more bothered than he is. My ds until recently was sitting in the library most lunchtimes which was driving me spare, but he'd say that he's surrounded by a thousand other people all day and he just wanted some quiet time. Now the weather's dried out they play out on the field together which I think is much better.

You sound a bit like me but not quite as obsessed! I keep telling myself at the moment that all things pass and in a couple of years he'll be wandering round the town with his pals on a Saturday afternoon, not hanging round with us looking bored.

What I've said to my ds about the lack of strong friendships among his new schoolfriends is that he may never find a best friend at school, and that's ok as long as there are a few people he enjoys hanging round with and has other friends outside school.

My dh doesn't seem to have many friends at the age of almost 40, rarely goes out with any of them and never has any of them over to ours. He's very sociable and likeable, but is also very happy just spending time with me and his children. I think that men and boys are much more likely to have loose/passing friendships, rather than close ones like women and girls have. TBH, I wouldn't worry about your ds, but then my ds is only 14 months so I haven't got to the point where this would be a concern for me...

I was the same at his age and when my mum kept going on at me to make friends etc it stressed me out and made me think more about it leading me to believe that there was something wrong with me.

Years later I'm exactly the same as I used to be, not very sociable but very happy.

sounds like my ds. i keep asking him if he'd like to invite anyone around or go to the cinema with a friend, but he doesnt seem interested. yet he and a mate from school will text each other to meet up on internet games. i cant fathom it

I shouldn't worry. DS1 doesn't seem to call his friends or have many over... but that might just be an age thing. He's happy, he occasionally shocks me by getting up and going off to meet his mates for some football, but mostly he just wants to mooch.

I know it won't be long before he's always out so I'm enjoying it whilst I can.

thanks v much for advice - obviously not alone here, must be a boy thing for some boys and will make big effort to stop making it an issue