Help! My teen DD (13) keeps losing things

[sleepihead]

I am at a loss - teen DD has (in the past three months) lost: two pairs of specs (needed all the time, had to be replaced), school shoes, endless items of uniform (name-tagged!) items. We have rules about cleaning room, enough place for everything etc etc. No matter what I do (help with room cleaning, routines written down, trying to create nice environment to motivate her to keep tidy, taking away priviledges and pocket money) nothing has changed. It is now affecting my relationship with her as I have come to believe she is intentionally careless and simply does not care about consequences or effect (financial & frustration) on DP & me.
Younger DD (6.5) is extremely organised and good with her belongings, barely anything lost or misplaced since she was in nursery. Please help with advice - has anyone out there successfully helped their child overcome this?

OK. Set aside a certain amount of money each term ( say £30 if you can afford it but less might work too.) Explain to your dd that this will be used to replace lost items. After that replacements will come off her phone contract money/savings/pocket money etc BUT that if any of the £30 is still unspent at the end of term, she can keep it. Watch her miraculously stop losing things overnight.

Make her pay for the replacement items from her pocket money and by that I don't mean stopping the money but take her to the shop and have her pay for the items with cash she has saved in a bank or money box. It might motivate her to take better care of her stuff.

Is she losing things at school or home?
If it is at school - why? Does she have a locker? Is her bag/PE kit etc just dumped somewhere at lunch break rather than going to the proper place? Does the school have a lost property system which she uses
Does she leave things on the bus?
If she is losing stuff at home is her room spectacularly untidy?
Does she have a problem remembering other things?

An assessment of these issues may help find a solution.
Alternatively she could be 'losing' things (like glasses) because she doesn't like them/is being teased etc, or are things being taken from her?

Please don't compare her with her sister - everyone is different and deals with the challenges of life differently. You need to find a solution that works for your DD, not her sister.

My sister (now an adult) loses stuff when she's stressed. For example, she missed a driving test because she couldn't find her licence: it was on her mantelpiece where she'd left it ready for the next day. At university she discovered she had mild innatentive adhd and dyslexia. She'd coped all the way through school but a) lost things b) napped for 40 mins every day, she must have been exhausted.

She has to have strategies for remembering things and it does take time. She decided not to get too distressed about losing things because she just had to accept that it was going to happen. All she could do was minimise the occurrence. We don't get on her back as a family because we know she genuinely can't help it. It's frustrating (she lost two pairs of very expensive irlen lens glasses) but she's not being careless or doing it on purpose. Routines can be very important e.g. Bag unpacked in the same place, lay out everything night before, checklists etc. Making her pay as a punishment would not make her anymore able to remember stuff.

Perhaps have a look at description of inattentive ADHD and see if it fits with your daughter? Routines are good anyway so perhaps try those.

Thank you all.
Seeline - she has a locker at school and they operate a "lost property" system. Items mostly lost at school or on the bus to/from school. As she is now in secondary things seem to have got worse. Glasses were designer of her own choice. Her room used to be really untidy, over time and with lots and lots and lots of reinforcement we managed to get her to keep it tidy but the problem of losing belongings persists. She is doing well academically (at selective school), so I don't think she has (healthwise) issues with memory as such. Comment reg younger DD was more along the lines of DC2 in family responding well to parenting approach in this regard. I am at a loss why none of these work for DD1... Have tried various things over the years... I really, really want to help her be organised as it will also affect her in adult life, I just don't know how.... :(

reetgood - thank you, I was thinking along the same lines, I will seek advice. We tried the pocket money etc but it didn't work for her.

Could she be being bullied and stuff taken? I am only mentioning as I have had this with one of mine.

My other dc has some SN and is a nightmare for this. No punishment or reinforcement works she is just super disorganised.

If things are clearly labelled and lost at school, they should work their way to lost property. It can take a week or so at my DDs school, but usually only a couple of days as DSs. Is she definitely checking lost property? If things are not appearing I would be wondering if things are being taken - shoes, glasses etc seem strange/difficult things to lose. Could she be being bullied?
If things are lost on the bus - doe she have a 'sensible' bag eg a zippable back pack, or is it one of those overlarge handbags that seem to be the thing at the moment. Again, I can't see how something could get out of a zipped bag, whereas I can see something falling/being taken out of an open one.

Dyspraxic children also have big issues with disorganisation. It affects processing issues.

Do try my suggestion. You will be amazed.

My sister did well academically and went to a redbrick university. It was only when she went to university that her problems with information processing was picked up: she said she'd never realised that words weren't supposed to jump all over the page . And she did languages at degree level!

Maybe have a go with reinforcement of routine and try to let go of the idea that she's doing this deliberately/ through lack of care.

Inattentive ADHD is marked by these behaviours, my sister has the information/ordering issues with the losing stuff. She's an occupational therapist now and is always alert to this stuff. She still loses stuff. It hasn't hampered her career!

Here are symptoms of inattentive ADHD:

Fails to pay close attention to details or makes careless errors in schoolwork, work or other activities
Has trouble keeping attention on tasks or play
Doesn't appear to listen when being told something
Neither follows through on instructions nor completes chores, schoolwork, or jobs (not due to failure to understand or a deliberate attempt to disobey)
Has trouble organising activities and tasks
Dislikes or avoids tasks that involve sustained mental effort (homework, schoolwork)
Loses materials needed for activities (assignments, books, pencils, tools, toys)
Easily distracted by irrelevant information
Forgetful

Of course she might be just forgetful, which people can be. But my sisters experience does make me tend to look for wider explanations. I assume she gets in trouble when she loses stuff, she feels bad about losing stuff: if she had the ability to remember things wouldn't she be remembering them?

Worth a try educatingarti although last time she had extra money she came home with a mouse and a cage!

That's interesting reetgood I could tick every single box of that list including words jumping off the page for one of mine...

@daisiesbox i recommend looking into further help: unfortunately as sister was diagnosed through learning services at university I'm not sure where to start for younger children re formal diagnosis. Here's the source for the list which might have some signposts www.addiss.co.uk/allabout.htm

The words jumping is dyslexia though, which sometimes goes in tandem with ADHD. For my sister it was solved with the coloured sheets you place over text - evidence isn't conclusive with these but it worked for her.

Thanks will have a look, would explain a lot... I actually bought coloured overlays for her to try after googling a couple of months ago and it has helped.

Please don't compare her to her sister! I know you say you're not, but really try to change your thinking as our thoughts tend to come through.

She may be brilliant academically but struggle with being organised - one doesn't preclude the other.

I was this child: I never meant to because I was thoughtless. My mum yelling at me just felt unfair because I didn't mean to. It took a lot to grasp that I can do things to remember- end of lesson checklist of things , knock 5 times on the pocket my keys are in to remember which one I put them in, small songs etc

Also I am SPECTACULARLY unorganised with my own life and have 2 degrees, various jobs etc ... never effected me too badly as it was more of an organised chaos ... she may just work differently to you

DD1 has always been spectacularly chaotic and forgetful, while also nearly being fairly 'clever' at school. She was having so many minor accidents we had her tested for dyspraxia etc, and part of that process involved an IQ Test. The upshot way that her logical processing was on the 98% line, while her working memory was on the 37% line - the huge disparity between the two was causing the problem because she was thinking abstractly at a high level and forgetting the practical stuff. Essentially the 'absent-minded professor' syndrome. Now she's 19 and at university, things are a lot better. She only lost her house keys once last year, and we haven't had a hospital trip in ages!

Eh? nearly being shouldn't be there, delete nearly...