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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I fucking hate bullying and what it is doing to my son

49 replies

sassymuffin · 13/09/2017 00:06

Iv'e just had my 15 year old son sobbing on my shoulder because of how he is being bullied in school. He is so lovely and funny and intelligent but I have just been hugging all 5 ft 9 of him and telling him everything is going to be ok like I did when he was a small child. I hate the damage what these little shits are doing to him emotionally.

School are now at last becoming pro active, I am in daily contact with the head of his year and school have also arranged on site counselling for him.

The problem is it isn't just one specific bully, but numerous boys who will say "its only banter" They act individually at opportune times. It is not in any way organised but my DS is a general "easy" target. He is academic not sporty, wears glasses used to wear braces and is gay. At the end of last term and now in this new term they have done the following: name calling, jeering and laughing at him in class so he doesn't answer questions anymore. Putting curry powder in his rucksack and ruining his books and stinking his bag out. Throwing food and drink at him on the yard during break. Shouting insults to him in the corridors. Its all got on top of him and my beautiful boy is starting to break.

He has always coped with the name calling and laughing and always insisted he didn't want me involved and he could cope but last June he cracked and his teachers picked up on his low mood.

THREE days he has been back in school and he has had food and drink thrown at him for the last two school days.

He says he does't want to wake up in the morning and face going to school. Sad

Sorry for the rant I'm just so angry and upset.

OP posts:
crazycatgal · 13/09/2017 00:09

I'm so sorry that this is happening to him OP. I went through similar bullying due to wearing glasses, braces and being chubby and it's horrible to go through.

Could he possibly move schools? And does he have friends around to help to lift his spirits?

smellybeanpole · 13/09/2017 00:18

Oh I'm so sorry OP. Must be awful for your poor ds. Such a difficult age and all this to carry on his shoulders too.
How about home schooling or changing school. I know it will be hard. But what thyre doing to him is absolutely not on. TBH I would even get the police involved and tell those kids parents to teach their children how to be decent human beings.. I really can't stand bullies.

Shinesweetfreedom · 13/09/2017 00:24

The fucking little bastards.Yes tell the school you are going to get the police involved unless this is stamped on straight away.

Original poster
sassymuffin · 13/09/2017 00:25

Thank you.

I have suggested changing schools but the sad thing is he loves his school despite these things happening to him. He enjoys his lessons and has just started year 11 his final GCSE year and more scared of starting again somewhere new and the possibility of is happening all over again. He has a small group of friends that support him but he is afraid that they will eventually distance themselves to stay out of the line of fire also.

OP posts:
littleblackno · 13/09/2017 00:32

I was bullied terribly at school- the reasons are not relevant i dont think. Im now watching my son go through the same.
My advice - for what its worth- is to get involved, contact school, make sure they know that you are taking this seriously. Regardless of what he says.
My mum says her biggest regret is to not be as involved as she may have been- she listened to me saying i didnt want her contacting school.
I will be 'that parent' my ds started yr7 last week and its continuing from his primary school with the same kids. Ive emailed his form tutor today.
Let your ds know that you believe him and he doesn't need to toughen up- resiliance is different to being toughened up i think.
He should never have to change who he is- took me a long time to realise that.

Shinesweetfreedom · 13/09/2017 00:35

What are the school doing.

Shinesweetfreedom · 13/09/2017 00:40

The school should be getting the ones that are doing this and telling them in no uncertain terms that it stops,or you will be going to the education authority if it is not being stepped on

Original poster
sassymuffin · 13/09/2017 00:57

I had a chat with a deputy head at the end of last term and she arranged the counselling. All of his subject teachers have been informed and asked to monitor the situation and shut down any in class behaviour and report it immediately.
After the first food throwing on Friday I emailed his new head of year who telephoned me for a chat. The plan was to try to catch individuals "in the act" and sanction them immediately. However as their has been a repeat incident today cctv is now being recovered and the boys involved will be pulled out of class tomorrow. It is going to be presented like a member of staff was reviewing footage and witnessed what happened and reported it so my son will avoid being bullied further for speaking out.

I have told the school I want this dealing with swiftly and I will be reporting every single incident no matter how trivial they may think it.

Walking through the corridor today some boy said to DS "what did you do this summer? Did you shoot any schools up weirdo?" then a group of boys laughed. - This may seem ridiculous but added to everything else it becomes another humiliating blow and my son feels even more isolated.

OP posts:
Squeegle · 13/09/2017 05:38

Your poor boy. The school need to take this to the highest level. And involve the police if necessary. This is very serious and they're not doing enough if it's still going on. Bullies should start to be excluded if they're not changing their ways

Caprianna · 13/09/2017 05:55

The school is not doing enough. This should not be happening. The bullies should not be aloud out of the classroom unsupervised and held back after school to allow your son to leave without being bullied. Then school needs to step up and I agree I would involve police its harrassment. We would not put up with this shit in the workplace so don't see why children should have to live like this.

PollytheDoily · 13/09/2017 06:21

Reading this makes my blood boil Angry. I'm so sorry OP and your son and I hope this is stamped on quickly and effectively. It's disgusting.

Does your son have any friends he hangs out with there?

frenchfancy17 · 13/09/2017 06:28

Keep reporting OP ,this should not be going on.

You're being a good mum by being there for your son and fighting his corner xxx

Leilaniii · 13/09/2017 06:35

This makes me so angry. It's not your DS that needs counselling - it's them. I hate the way the onus is put on the victim in bullying situations. Also because they are children, it is not taken as seriously as if they were adults. Can you imagine colleagues behaving like this? You would sue their arses off.

OP, if it is that bad, can you consider homeschooling him? He seems like a bright, motivated boy, I am sure he wouldn't need that much input.

errorofjudgement · 13/09/2017 06:36

Another positive step is to start looking now at 6th form options. If this is an all boys school, then a co-ed sixth form might be more supportive.
Knowing that he has options ahead might provide a bit of a boost.
As others have said though, I'm so sorry your son is going through this. I hope the school are able to identify the culprits and deal with the behaviour.

Original poster
sassymuffin · 13/09/2017 08:42

Yes it is an all boys grammar school. It seems to promote a work hard, play hard mentality that cultivates some kind of lord of the flies mentality. There are huge divisions between the sporty and non sporty boys.

Ive asked DS about sixth form and he doesn't want to go anywhere else. I have told him with determination and hard work he will do well wherever he goes and Ive tried explaining it is more important that he feels happy and safe. I'm sure the type of school he attends brainwashes its students into thinking everywhere else is rubbish though.

There are two further grammar sixth forms that in our area that he could attend, Ive heard the pastoral care in one is none existent and they are only interested in results and the second one is Roman Catholic and has a strong faith ethos -it is a very good school but it does not share many of mine or my sons beliefs.
There is a massive co ed sixth form in town that has students from over 8 local schools but he does't seem keen on it at all.

It just feels so bloody unfair..... all DS just wants is to go to school and learn, do well and be left alone.

OP posts:
JustDanceAddict · 13/09/2017 17:51

Poor boy :-(
Sounds like the school have let it go on far too long. They should've acted against the bullies already. The cctv thing is a good plan, but it's too late as it's already affected him badly. Does he have friends at school?
I was also bullied at school - mainly name calling - but it affects you for a long time. I have done alright, but I still hate being in situations where I'm judged i.e., job interviews.
Agree that moving at sixth form would be good. The ball needs to start rolling this term though.

errorofjudgement · 13/09/2017 18:23

Honestly, your DS needs to start looking at other sixth form providers. The school is unlikely to change much in sixth form.
Can you look at A2 results from other local schools? Even if they're a bit lower, the peace of mind, and the mental health benefits really are far more important.
Please encourage your DS to st least take a look, he is likely to do less well academically if he's scared and stressed in school.

dalek · 13/09/2017 18:31

Be a difficult parent. Tell school about EVERY SINGLE INCIDENT, naming people if you have to. I would start by calling the school and then say you will be putting it in writing and copy in the head of governors, head, head of year, other teachers - be a nuisance. It's too easy for them to ignore you if you are compliant.

Give your son a hug - I hate bullies AND their parents

Original poster
sassymuffin · 13/09/2017 20:00

dalek that is my exact plan, really good idea to cc the head of governors and headteacher on all emails thanks. I will suggest we go and visit every single local sixth form open evening when they take place, perhaps if he visits he will be more open to applying to them

He has come home slightly brighter today, the food throwing boys have been put in isolation today and have been told not to even look in DS's direction. I am really annoyed because DS was pulled out of lessons this morning until it was dealt with. Why should he miss his lesson and have to catch up. Angry.

On a trivial note school photographs were today and because he wasn't in main lessons nobody came to get him so now I don't have an school picture for his last year.

OP posts:
annandale · 13/09/2017 20:08

My dh was hideously bullied at a boys' grammar school too. Agree that it can be real Lord of the Flies stuff. The boys were so frightening and it was such a whole-class effort that the weaker teachers joined in the bullying as well Sad

I won't scare you shitless by what happened to dh - what I will say is that academically he did absolutely fine. And I'm glad to hear that the school are doing something about it. But you're right to get in there and not let go - dh also wishes his parents had not listened to him telling them to keep out of it - and they wish it, so much, as well.

If the school don't get it sorted (at ds's school they have all been told that even using the word 'banter' is regarded as bullying, and I'm glad) then maybe ask your ds to do a thought experiment about being at a school where people are nice to him. He may be so shocked rigid and traumatised by the whole experience that he can't untangle 'school' from being abused right now and can't actually imagine how school would work if he's not terrified.

annandale · 13/09/2017 20:11

Sorry by a thought experiment I mean imagining/visualising a whole day where going to school is a good experience. So he imagines getting up and lying in bed thinking about seeing nice friends and doing lessons he enjoys. Then he gets up and eats breakfast and is texted by a friend about meeting to get to school together. Then he gets dressed in a uniform that his friends also wear. Then there's a knock on the door and it's a friend of his, and they head off talking about meeting up with more friends later. Then he gets to school and someone in the playground waves at him and says hi. Etc etc.

Kursk · 13/09/2017 20:14

I was bullied at school, for years school was a miserable time. My biggest regret if that time of my life was not punching my bully.

BeatriceBeaudelaire · 13/09/2017 20:17

I FUCKING HATED being 15 at school. I had the same thing - multiple people, random reasons, stupid shit like twanging rulers at me interspersed with the isolation, name calling, pushing. Eurgh even remembering it fucks me off.
I moved schools after GCSE... and most of my bully's have apologised to me now. One is my best friend.

I can't offer help but just remind him that HS is a blip- the world of adults is far far better ( excluding 1st year of uni Hmm) and he'll find his tribe x hug him - I'm glad he can talk to you, I couldn't talk to my mum.
And honestly, violence is never the answer, but when I twatted one of the ringleaders of my bully's an awful lot stopped coming for me.

BeatriceBeaudelaire · 13/09/2017 20:18

Also tell him it's not his fault - I was pretty, slim, popular, academic, musical .... the recipe to float through school ... they always find something to punish anyway.

Puppymouse · 13/09/2017 20:24

Flowers for your lovely DS. I was bullied for the first two years of senior school. I still don't understand why. But I remember finding a note in my desk ripping me to shreds and asking if I was still waiting for kerb crawlers (wtaf?) when I was only 13. I had to ask my parents what they were because I'd never even heard of it before (it was the early 90s I was probably very sheltered) but it's one of my lasting memories. But luckily they got bored by GCSEs and I'm now a settled, well adjusted adult. Your DS will beat this.