How do I stop being a helicopter parent to my 17 yr old

[PJ67]

I know what I should do but really struggle to stop myself. My ds is 17 and just started uni. Staying at home, which is probably a bad idea but I have been way too over involved/obsessive with friends, exams etc over the years and its resulted in me having a very poor relationship with him. The more I have tried to control/interfere, the more defensive and secretive he has become and it's so upsetting.
I promised myself when he started uni I would back off and leave him to it but he's quite disorganised and only two days in I'm worrying that he hasn't taken any notes, doesn't seem to have a book list, hasn't made friends etc. I know it's all my fault but I'm really struggling not to go on and on about things but when I do he is saying it's none of my business, pushing me out of his room and we can't even talk about anything now.
I do have problems with anxiety and just can't seem to stop myself. I've already looked up his timetable and am worrying that he won't get to a 9am lecture on Monday. It doesn't help that he's been having doubts about the course so I'm even more anxious that he gives it a go.

I really know that I have to let him get on with it but can't seem to put it into practice. Anyone else like this and any tips for managing my own worries before it totally destroys our relationship.

He is disorganised because you helicopter him so much he's never had to learn those skills. I know because I have been a bit guilty of doing it to all 3 of my dc dd more so because she has some SN.
I suffer from anxiety which is where some of it stems from but I have realised I am doing it and what the consequences are so I am working hard to pull back a lot and let them make some mistakes for themselves. My dc are younger 7, 11 and 14 so I can hopefully fix this before they start leaving home for uni in a few years.

As for books I'm a full- time student for the second time and I've never bought all the books and certainly not straight away. Some of them are a waste of money, some I can get out the library when I need them and some are just written in a way I don't particularly like the style of so haven't picked up.

He will get there and you recognise that you do this which is half the battle. It's not easy but learnt to walk away and be there to listen and offer advice if he asks for it.

In England children do 7 years in primary school and 7 years in secondary (or 5 years in secondary and 2 years at 6th form college). So they are at school/college between the ages of 4 and 18.

I don't know the general age rules for going to English universities, but I do know that you can't go to medical school under the age of 18 in England.

Don't know about medical school in Scotland but There is no real advantage to A levels over Highers they are both equivalent level and if a pupil has stayed for 6th year and done advanced highers there is a slight overlap in terms of level between adv highers and the equivalent qualification you have earned after the first year at Uni.
First year at Scottish uni isn't like going into yr 13 it's first year at uni. In Scotland you can graduate after 3 years if you wish with your degree or can do 4th year to obtain an honours degree.

I went to an English Uni at 17 having done all six years at a Scottish Secondary school, it didn't seem to make much difference. I was a bit better at independent research as the Scot's system back in the day focused on that in year 6.

So, basically the Sottish education system is better than the English one because Scottish students learn as much in 13 years of schooling as English children do in 14 years.

Lonicera it is just slightly different. I don't think for medicine, but for many subjects DC can jump straight in to second year if they have good enough A level results.

Scottish D.C. Also used to be able to skip the first year of a Scottish uni course if they got certain qualifications in 6th year but as it was free when I went I don't remember anyone doing this. I think they are broadly similar educational systems.

Oh, and, second year entry would be optional. A choice made either at application time, or on entry after discussion with tutors.

DD has two Scottish universities on her short list. Both will offer 2nd year entry with the appropriate grades. Both you can apply for second year entry and your offer is based on that, or first year entry and decide when you get there what would suit best.

I can't speak for other courses, but DD's science based subject timetables 'catch up classes' for those who jump in at 2nd year.

Fees might also be limited to cost no more than an English based degree - though obviously there is an additional year of living expenses.

Thanks again for replies. Tallia, your comments are really helpful and make me feel a bit more relaxed. Looksbetter, I have anxiety as well and just find it so hard to step back when I'm desperate to give him some 'advice'. I am going to try really hard though as I know it's doing no good whatsoever and just annoying him so he becomes rude and we end up arguing. I've decided to try saving up anything I want to say so that I only mention Something that's on my mind once a week rather than every day!

LoniceraJaponica - the main thing is I think the school cut off date is Feb not August. So if you turn 4 by Feb you start school that August. This means you can complete all high school at 17 1/2. I'm not sureif it really means schooling is better just timed differently.
You can do normal 4 or 3 year "second year entry" courses at Scottish unis depending on your grades and what level of exams you have sat. Vocational courses like Law, Medicine are the exception.
Speaking of which, things must have changed a lot if they won't accept under 18s for med school in England.
My schoolfriend and I were both very young for our year and though I stayed in Scotland she went to an English medical school. We graduated at 22 1/2 and for a brief period of time were quite tickled that we were the youngest doctors in the country

Back to the OP, I remember being v young and disorganised and moving out was the best thing I did with security of family under an hour away. Could you take a trip in October with younger DCs and leave him alone at home to see how he gets on? And perhaps reassess in December? That way you have a solid timeframe to work with and many people change accom after Christmas too.

I hope you didn't mind me hijacking this thread PJ67. I just wanted to get my head around the Scottish education system. DD is 17 and in year 13. There is no way that she is mature enough and ready to leave home just now.

OP,
I don't think it's unusual to want to fuss and mother them at this age but, as you are clearly aware, it's not a good thing.

I think everyone thinks I'm laid back but I'm quietly a bit of a 'over-analyzer' myself. I deal with it by just keeping it to myself. My youngest is nearly 21 and I think I've managed to hide my inner worrier really well.

The thing is is that the kids confide in me and ask for my help loads more because I'm 'cool' and laid back. The all day they love the fact I never nag them about school stuff.

When they were about 16 I made a very conscious decision to shift our relationship to adult/adult rather than adult/child kid. Not all in go but I tried.