When will things start to get better for my teen

[summer25]

My dd is 15 and over the summer, her "so called" group of friends have decided that they don't want to be friends with her anymore and have effectively disassociated themselves with her, speaking behind her back, ignoring her, no longer inviting her to anything. She messaged one of them today to ask them what was going on and basically the whole group has turned on her. She says not to tell the school because they'll all deny it and I don't feel I can speak to any parents for the same reason (plus the fact she's 15 now not 5). Even the few friends she has seem to be turning on her. My heart is breaking for her and I don't know what to do to help. How can they be so cruel? The whole family has been affected by this and no one knows what to do to help.

What a horrible nasty bunch of girls - your poor daughter. Things will get better - but maybe not for a little while as teenagers can be terribly unkind. Your daughter needs strategies for dealing with this in the meantime. If it were me I'd dump the lot of them, ignore them and find some new friends. Sometimes the nicest friends are the quieter less assuming or less obvious kids who may be feeling left out themselves.
Can she speak to any of the girls in the friendship group privately and find out what the issue is and whether it can be resolved. Failing that, (probably too late now) and if the problem doesn't go away is there any way she can transfer to a different school.

That's horrible!
Something similar happened to me at that age. Things that helped were: having a different group of friends outside school (at an activity I went to), moving school for sixth form. I did make some other friends in school but also spent a lot of breaks doing homework in the library :-( which did make more time outside school.
Things just 'reset' at new school (sixth form) and at Uni though, nothing remotely like that has happened since. I think girls that age have a particular capacity for group cruelty because they are insecure themselves.

So sorry to hear. Same thing happened to me at that age. It was really tough (and totally unfair) but I got through it. Keeping busy and making friends outside school helped. Now I look back at it I think it made me quite independent and determined. And I have huge empathy for anyone being bullied or going through similar. for her

Been there with my then 14 yr old DD. Because she didn't drink alcohol she was excluded ftom occasions. Messages came over Instagram and messenger calling her a slag/baby/cunt and so on as she didnt go out with them. It was heartbreaking. So i messages each of the girks patents and the bitches themselves to say i knew whatvwas going on and i was fucked of with them. Boy were the mums horrified that their little angels were unkind!! Best thing i did! You lot may say i was wrong but TBH i dont give a fuck. Now she is in yr 11 and willbe leaving school in may 2018 to make new friends. Even though the relationship dhe has is mych better and does get invited to occasions, i know its strained.

Sorry for the typos. Im in the car! Bit wobbly!

My heart sank reading this. My DD has been through it too and like you, it affected the whole family. Girls can be so so cruel. I'm in regular contact with behaviour support at her school who at least in school manage the nastiness. Encourage her to speak to school staff, they're used to kids lying and can probably see through it. We just tried to make home as happy as possible and made sure we did loads with her so she gets enjoyment from her family at least. Hope things get better for her x

Dump them and block them on her phone and all social media. If any of them finds a way to message dd, do not respond. Don't let them see any weakness. That will only make them even crueler to dd. No need to speak in private to any of them. This is the classic case of spineless teen girls going with what the ring leader says.
In the meantime, keep dd busy. Sign her up for sports, etc and find a place for her to volunteer where she can meet other teens. Focus on making a new life away from those nasty spineless girls.

Thanks all. Unfortunately things have escalated since my last post. So my DD sent a message to one of the girls asking why she didn't speak to her anymore, why she spoke behind her back and what she had done. So the other girls in the group have jumped to their friend's defence and are now telling my DD that they're "going to get her at school tomorrow" amongst various other threats. My DD is terrified about going to school. My DH is going into the school to speak to the staff so that my DD has support from her teachers. It's just a really really horrible situation and I just want to wade in there and give these little b***s a piece of my mind.

You need to contact school about this. Screenshot the messages and show them to the school.

Schools don't like to get involved in online bullying, but this is spilling over into school, so they should be involved.

DD had a tough time at 15, then suddenly things got better in year 11, and even better in year 12 when the nasty girls left.

She has taken screenshots of some of the messages so I'll be sure to tell my DH to show them tomorrow. If I could swap places with her, I would willingly go in.

Email them to school and ask them to call you back so you can discuss it.

Teenage girls can be so vile

I think you are right to speak to the school and I would also get in contact with the parents. As Black mentioned above, they probably have no idea that their little darlings are being so vile. The herd mentality is overriding at this age and sometimes girls are just going along with their mates and do not understand the impact that their behaviour has on someone else.

"I would also get in contact with the parents."

I'm not sure that this is a good idea. I would talk to the school first. This is a school issue.

So ... DH has been into school this morning and they are going to speak to said girls and make sure that dd is sat apart from them. DD has messaged me to say she's going to sit with another friend at break and lunch. I just really hope that the school getting involved doesn't make things worse. It had to be done though. Thanks for all your messages. It helps to know we're not alone (although I pity any child and family that has to go through any of this).

How are things this evening Summer? Hope no further deterioration.
For what it's worth your dd sounds lucky to have you and your partner totally on her side and supportive.

How did she get on today? The first 3 days back at school were bad for my 15yr old ds last week, his friendship group were all giving him the cold shoulder as he had missed the last few get-togethers in the holidays, completely not his fault, we were on holiday on the other side of the Atlantic!! I felt so bad for him, and completely helpless, but it seems to have resolved itself now. I hope things will be better for your daughter soon.

My DD had something similar happen in year 7. The ex friends she was in separable with dropped her like a hot potato in their desperate quest for popularity.
DD has just gone into year 8. She didn't see a soul in the summer hols and I either give her lifts to and from school when I am not in work or she walks alone. She now has a small handful of girls she sits with on a lunch time which she seems happy with. I have suggested she arrange to see them outside of school but she is reluctant to do this
I didn't go into school but asked for either her or them to be subtlety moved around in the classes she had with these girls. After a lot of nuisance phone calls one saying they would rather kill themselves than be friends with my DD I sent my DH round to see their dad as they were twins. This stopped the main cruelty nor they just mainly avoid her. I only found out recently these twins and another of her friends were following instructions from one of the 'more popular people' who disliked DD who didn't grovel to her.
OP hope your DD is ok things will get better if you can encourage other friendships and let her know you care and just keep an eye on things. Girls can be so nasty it could be something as simple as a boy one of them likes fancies your DD or because she won't smoke, steal, drink etc.

I want to scream in frustration at these nasty girls for you and your DD Summer25! Posts like this make me sooooo mad. My DD is 15yrs and has to put up with similar shit from the girls at school, usually though, she doesn't regard girls like these as friends, she keeps well away from them. She cannot stand all the petty arguing, tantrums and jealousy that a lot of girls display. I tend to agree with the posters that say encourage outside of school friendships and activities, it really gave my DD confidence to do martial arts and has met some much nicer people there.

You've already had great advice. I wouldn't go too far to ask for an explanation from these girls yourselves, let the teaching staff/HT do this if you have now been into school. Try not to worry about that, you did the right thing before any bullying gets more out of hand, these girls need dealing with. I really hope things improve soon OP and your DD will come out the other side of it, bet she's a lovely girl. Hugs for you both.

The same thing happened to me at around her age. The whole class turned on me bar about 2 people. I was so upset and even got so angry I hit the girl who instigated it all (very much a Wendy situation with a new girl who joined in year 9) - that was very unlike me. In the end I couldn't change their minds so I stuck with the 2 people who would speak to me while at school and outside school I got back in contact with a friend from primary. She has always been very outgoing and popular and she took me out to meet a load of her friends. I had a great time and hung around with them all every weekend. In the meantime it had mainly blown over at school. I never quite forgave some of them and my friendships shifted after that and I became closer to people who were more acquaintances before. After that my school friends wanted to meet this new group of friends I was hanging around with! That is where our later teen social life started - we were at a girls school so not much had been happening up until then. I'm still friends with those girls from school who stuck by me and we're all still friends with lots of the group I met outside of school.

Phew that was long winded but my point is encourage other friendships and things will work themselves out in the end!

Thank you all so much. So ... after being threatened again yesterday "Tell XX to watch out cause I'm coming for her" and my DD hiding in the toilet in tears, the school have intervened and had a word with the perpetrators and they've said they just want to leave it. School don't seem to have actually told them what they were doing was wrong which is very frustrating. This whole thing seemed to have happened because my DD made friends with someone they didn't really like and stuck by her and, guess what, this girl (after her and my DD being inseparable for weeks) is now blanking her as well. So upsetting!! My DD does have a few out-of-school interests but hasn't really struck up any meaningful friendships with anyone. We are making sure that her home life is as happy and nurturing as we can but it doesn't stop her dreading school every morning.

Sounds awful, your poor DD. If my DD was behaving as these girls are I would certainly want to know about it. Do schools not involve parents in their kids behaviour these days.