Daughter's boyfriend

[Rose0]

Hi, I've created a thread to post this because I'm lost and would like advice from people who don't have their own agenda and who aren't judgemental (many of my closest friends live overseas as I grew up in Luxembourg).
My oldest daughter's boyfriend of three and a half years, who has almost been embraced as part of our family due to his own struggles at home, has just died (took his own life) suddenly (less than a week ago). She has just turned 18 and is due to go to university in October, but is obviously dithering and now stressed about that, and stressed about sorting accommodation and going when she's not sure she's ready/reapplying/finding something to do in a gap year, which is exactly not what she needs when she's going through such a traumatic incident. I am trying my best but it is hard to know how to be there for her, how to help her (and all of our family and his family) grieve as well as help her make some life altering decisions. Just any advice, reassurance, or any constructive words would be greatly appreciated. We're all struggling here. I'm sorry if this is an inappropriate use of the forum, please tell me if it is and I shall take it down immediately.

That's so sad :(

Has she thought about deferring? I know it's one of the last things she wants to consider but could help while she takes time to process what's happened?

Thanks for your response.

She has considered deferring but she's not sure the university she has an offer from will be that accommodating. I think if she does take a year out she will just reapply, and she's definitely considering that. I'm trying to let her make her own decisions on that front, and when she comes up with a plan I'll probe a little to check it's what she really wants to do, because I'm really not sure I'd have made the right decision in her position.

My gut instinct would be that she should go if she can face it.

I've not lost a partner in that way, but I generally find with grief that moving forward and keeping busy are much more helpful than the alternative.

How far away from home would she be?

A long way - she's going south and we're in the north. Not a direct train line either so it'd be a 4 hour drive or a 4 hour train journey.

I would worry a little about her being away from her family and support network. Is there a uni close by that offers a suitable course? Has counselling been offered?

I think for now, defer the year (they will be accommodating given the circumstances - and people defer all the time at any time of the year, they'll just move her across to 2018). That way as she will still be classed as a new student she will be able to sort out accommodation with more success if you're on about her going into halls (I'm not sure if that's something she'd want to do). She can then take this year to do what she needs to (if she wants counselling, continue or start a new job - whatever she needs to do to gain back some normality).

I can't remember if you can apply for universities via UCAS if she already had a place elsewhere so it may be worth getting in touch with them.

I'm really sorry your family is going through this

Oh I am so sorry that is tragic , has the funeral happened yet If not i think she should wait till then she might feel able to decide poor girls head won't be straight. I think encouraging to do what she wants is best but i think she should defer if she can her boyfriends just died she will be away from home I think it would be a disaster for her.

This worries me too, especially as she was already a bit concerned about the distance. There is a uni in the city nearest to ours (about a 20 minute train ride) that does the same course but it's not as good and doesn't offer the range of modules she likes. There's a very good one in a city about an hour away which I suggested but she's said she doesn't want to go to. I think she wants to go to the place she has an offer but is, totally understandably, terrified and feeling very low and insecure right now.

The funeral won't be for a little while as there needs to be an inquest etc. It only happened 4 days ago and a meeting has been arranged to discuss counselling but it isn't until next Tuesday. I do hope she defers but just don't know the extent to which I can influence her decision, as it is her life. (At the same time she has four weeks before she needs to make the decision so she also needs a little nudge!)

Can you see if the university has a counselling service for students - she might be able to access that online/by telephone even though she isn't attending there yet?

I'm sure they have had contact before from students considering deferring due to sad personal circumstances (including her current situation) and they may be able to help?

That's really hard, sorry she's going through that

I'd say go to Uni unless she's absolutely certain she doesn't want to (and even then I'd push her to, to some extent). It's so hard to think clearly in grief that she's likely to make a decision for the wrong reasons - better to stick to the plan until she knows what she wants for sure.

As her mum (and the rest of the family) I'd urge you to talk, and get her to talk about it. I lost various friends and family in my teens and the thing that I wish I'd done is talk about it out loud at the time. I didn't feel I could without falling apart. 30+ years later I'm still falling apart because I didn't.

Sorry for your and dd's loss Rose

She's not sure the university she has an offer from will be that accommodating.

If she is not sure, she should talk to someone in her university department and ask about it. Find out what her options are.

If she is recently bereaved, they will want to know about it so they can be sure she receives appropriate support. In many ways, it's better for the department to let her defer than to have her come and then struggle with the course.

I suffered a bereavement before i went to university, my mother died a few months before I left. So I had a bit longer than your DD to make my decision.

Its very difficult and you sound a lot closer and more supportive than my family were. But honestly, I would recommend she go unless she really can't face it.

If she stays, all her friends will leave, she may struggle to get a job or feel like she hates having a 9-5 whilst seeing al her friends on facebook go off and have a lot of fun. She will be stuck in her room and your home and your town where she made so many memories with him. In the immediate aftermath, I had loads of friends and family rally round me, but after a month or so, none of my friends knew what to say (teenagers are inexperienced and crap at dealing with bereavement so always say the wrong thing even if they're lovely people) and my sister went back to uni and I was so lonely. I imagine she will feel the same when her friends leave for uni.

Most universities will let you defer a year, they'd rather that then you come and drop out. Make her make the phonecall to find out though before she makes any decisions.

The problem is, staying might feel like the right decision right now but come Christmas when its less raw she may feel differently and then she has to wait till September before she can leave again =(

If she does decide to go, try not to knock her confidence by showing her how worried you are. Tell her if it gets really awful she can come home and try again and that you support her decision. Encourage her to tell her flatmates early on , it helps to have them know so they are sensitive about it.

Poor thing. And the boy's family.
This might be way off beam but would she go the Christian Union once at university? At the very least they're a very kind bunch and she'd have a ready made gang who would be sensitive to her sadness, and there's always someone for tea and company.
Definitely she should tell student support. And it might be worth you calling admissions to discuss the options. You could say you don't want to disclose your DDs name but what would happen if she deferred in these circumstances, what the cut off date for starting and then deferring without penalty etc.
Do you have friends or family near where she's going?

We have a few family members and family friends who will live just over an hour away, but that's the closest.

We're just waiting before we decide - the term officially starts on the 8th October I think so she's got some time to think things through. (I'm a bit lost with much of the university stuff if I'm honest!)

We have looked and there are definitely counselling services available, and we looked at the conditions for deferring and it says serious illness and bereavement are the only two conditions they'd allow a student to defer for, so hopefully it will be okay if she decides to. I'm just struggling to know how to support her and help the whole family, and to an extent his family who are fragile as it is, through the issue. His two younger siblings are coming over this weekend to give their dad some respite. We've had a big pyjama/film day, but I'm just trying to find a way to keep her occupied while also not pushing her too far and giving her space to think and talk. We've done a lot of talking so far, but I never quite know what to say. It's such a difficult situation, and so awful for her. I just feel very sad and helpless.

SOrry that this is almost just a moan. I am listening to all advice, I just think I need as much help and as many voices on the matter as I can get. It's all so difficult to get our heads around =(

Christian Union is something she would probably be open to joining - we are Christian. I will mention it to her if she decides to go. She does a lot of hobbies (including dance to a quite serious level) and is quite social so I think she'll be good at keeping busy once there. I just don't want her to go with unresolved grief and sadness and have that tarnish her first term at university when she's worked so hard to get there, and for that issue to negatively affect her memory of her first boyfriend, if that makes sense.

@Rose0 It honestly makes perfect sense. And don't worry about the sounding like a moan part, we're really not looking at it like that

Now I may have been quite lucky to have this but my university had a chapel where everyone was allowed to just come in and have a cry or get looked after. I'm not partically religious myself but it was a wonderful place and they really offered so much guidance and support.

Have a quick word with student services if she does decide to go to see if they can get her in pretty quickly as they can get a bit bogged down with the amount of people they deal with. Also, if she is unsure of the deferring requirements, the uni should be open already so you can perhaps give the registery department a ring and see what's what. It doesn't mean they'll revoke her place if you're inquiring about it. Saying that if she goes and then decides that she needs a break, she can defer during the year (her department will need to sign it off with her) and can sometimes take the credits/final module grades she has gained across to the next year so less classes for some of it (at least from my experience).

These people may be helpful or be able to point in the right direction
www.winstonswish.org.uk/death-through-suicide/

Thanks for the help - we've looked more into deferring as she's saying she could fill the year by getting a job anyway, doing a lot of dance and taking another A level, and maybe taking on a role as an au pair for a few months if she feels ready in January. The university classes bereavement as enough of a cause for deferring and she's well exceeded their entry requirements anyway so we can't see why they'd have a problem. She's seeming quite positive about the idea of the gap year right now, though I am urging her to think about it a little more and not make any decisions until she's totally confident.

Happiness-wise, she's definitely struggling but I think that'll be the case for a while. Hopefully talking to someone will help, and as ever time is a wonderful healer.