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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Help relationship with 15 year old son deteriorating!

45 replies

Tiredofsingleparenting · 05/09/2017 09:01

It's the start of term and my son has already been late to school one day out of two, late to his basketball training, not brushed his teeth either night (only brushes them after 3/4 telling and me standing over him). I went through all his clothes and room, got him to help me, to help prepare him and only asked him to pack his pencil case and a copy book in his bag. But he didn't and went to school with an empty bag. He has to get the bus to school.

Aaaarghhh! Every single time that I do not stand over him, check him, he doesn't do it.

For example, his dentist said he was really neglecting his teeth. I spent over a month standing in the bathroom each time, every day after hauling him into the bathroom, with a timer, it takes me half an hour each time after I've cajoled him out of his room. If I ask him he lies about it. This is the same with everything, with remembering uniform, I have to hand hold everything and he gets cross with me too.

He doesn't want to do anything with me, only his friends or his Dad, I feel like the skivvy.

I just don't have the time to be doing all of this! I have a young toddler and a step child. I'm a single parent, his Dad hardly sees him. What do I do to turn this around? I've tried so many things and am sick of it.

OP posts:

ClownsAndJokers · 06/09/2017 09:14

If he will listen to your dad, hopefully a chat in non-threatening circs would help (for a bit anyway at least!) or is there a teacher at school he likes? It's difficult but I think we just need to keep going! As parents we do doubt ourselves sometimes. It is so much easier when they are little and it is clearly our role to stand over them 😂 but when they reach almost-adulthood in terms of age the boundaries can become blurred.

Karatecas · 06/09/2017 10:29

There is hope OP. Your post resonated with me.

My stroppy 15 year old who did nothing, dropped out of school after GCSEs (which everyone was surprised he'd passed because he did so little work at school) turned into a reasonably responsible adult. After school joined the military, where he was diagnosed with ADHD, and married.

As a mature student completed a degree with a first. He still has "problems" (and I am close enough to his wife that she feels able to discuss these with me when it all gets too much for her) but the one thing he reiterates when we talk about "his difficult years" is that he always knew I loved him because I told him I did regularly. He also says it made him think about his actions, even if he didn't change them, when I said "I loved him but didn't like him at that moment". I shudder at some of the things he did.

I know I was lucky and not all children have this "happy ending" but there is hope.

forcryinoutloud · 06/09/2017 18:55

Hi Tired, I feel your pain, I have an 18 yr old DS with braces who doesn't brush his teeth. I think you have to take a step back but clearly at that age if he is not brushing you could try confiscating stuff, spends or something. Don't think you should give up totally as I have almost done with mine.

Good luck, won't repeat the advice of everyone else, I just wanted to chip in with the teeth experience!

Squeegle · 06/09/2017 23:05

My DS has ADHD , he is strong willed as well; won't do things especially because i want him to. Strategies that work with him are continually reminding him why I am asking him to do something- i.e. Because I care about you and i don't want you to get rotten teeth, and then stepping back and letting him get on with it. It doesn't always work but it does sometimes. Can you get the dentist to talk to him rather than to you?

fortunacookie · 08/09/2017 07:29

Sounds like my 15 year old too OP, unfortunately I think it's boys in general...they want mummy to look after them right until the wife takes the reins !!

scaryclown · 08/09/2017 07:40

I think the issue is that you aren't letting him take responsibility and so he hasn't learnt what to do with it. I bet his thought processes are something like 'when she stops reminding me i' ll do it myself' but you keep defaulting to reminding him before he can let his own thoughts and decisions materialise.. In short you are training him to be dependent, then when he is given independence, you don't give him long enough to develop his own motivations or skills.. So he is inept at them, so you take over. .
You need to stop insisting on the child him and allow the adult him to grow.

PiratePanda · 08/09/2017 07:45

On teeth, show him the first Google images page that comes up when you type in "rotten teeth". My DS cried and ran straight to the bathroom to get his toothbrush.

Therealslimshady1 · 08/09/2017 07:57

It can be tough, and hard to know what to do!

I have stepped back a lot from DS (15) over the last year, I almost (pretend to) treat him like an adult. He has forgotten keys/missed bus etc, but had to deal with the consequences himself. (Catching the normal bus into town instead, and being late)

About the teeth, I occasionally nag but mainly leave him to it. He broke a front tooth last year, and that was a horror to him. I think he thought his teeth were indestructible. It brought home to him they are not.

Still, he sometimes skips brushing his teeth, annoying but I try to pick my battles...

I find at this age, they can really have moments of great maturity and moments of being like supersize toddlers...

It is important, IMO to still hug/kiss/praise them at this age, as very few people now think they are cute . He winces,when I kiss him and call him darling boy (haha) but he always has a little smile.

So I guess a combination of benign neglect, affection and some well timed nagging are needed. Hard to get the balance right!

VioletCharlotte · 08/09/2017 08:04

OP I feel your pain. I've got a 18 year old and 16 year old DS. And my god, I've wanted to throttle the 16 year old a few times over the past year. At this age they seem to act like overgrown toddlers don't they? Moods and stops over the most ridiculous things and incapable of thinking for themselves.

I believe the most importing thing is not to damage your relationship with your DS, so that may mean you have to let some of this stuff go. Pick your battles! Have a couple of things that are non negotiable, then let everyone else go (even though it may make you die inside!).

I do think year 10/11 are the hardest years. Once they leave school it does seem the pressures off a bit somehow...so there is light at the end of the tunnel

Have you got some friends irl with similar age teens? What got me though was regular get-togethers with my friends to moan about our off-spring. It does make it a bit moe manageable when you realise you're not alone.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 08/09/2017 08:15

I had problems with ds2 up until recently nut hes8been depressed. Turns out he was lonely. Ncs course has totally changed him and he's just started college a different lad.

Does ds have friends? It's so important at this age. Is he still keen to go to basketball,

I disagree about standing back. Dcs mature at different rates. If he is down he won't have motivation. Go back to the gp with him

It's awful you have little support. Keep posting though.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 08/09/2017 08:16

But he's been depressed *

I should wear my specs

FreakinScaryCaaw · 08/09/2017 08:19

Try to get him to eat cheese at the end of a meal even a little. And ditch pop.

Original poster

Tiredofsingleparenting · 08/09/2017 12:44

I'm quite heartened that I'm not the only with a kid who doesn't brush their teeth! My brothers kids teeth all seem to sparkle and I think that they'd be horrified.

Really great advice thanks. The cheese I might do myself!

I'm thinking that I'm going to keep plugging along with him but allow some things that are totally up to him to do himself, and try not to let our relationship suffer. That's the most awful thing. Especially as his Dad let's him do anything he likes and feeds his son that I'm some kind of difficult, bossy person.

This week I've been letting him get up totally by himself with an alarm clock. He's been late every single day. I've gone in when it's got quite late and just said 'it's now such a o'clock' but that's it.

But at the end of the day when he comes back I do get him to give me his phone, and he doesn't get it back until he's done homework, sort bag for next day, and brush his teeth etc. We then talk about what might help him get up the next day. We moved the clock nearer his bed.

So it does seem to be better. In that, it's clear. And the phone withholding is amazing! He used to skulk in, then go up to his room, I'd have to run after him to chat or check homework. Now it gives him the incentive to get it done and come to me. And it 'rolls' a lot of different things, like checking his homework, making sure he's organised for the next day, all into one with the onus on him but with me saying, come on, have you done it?

And at the weekend I'll let him off the 'punishment' of not having money this week, as it's early days for him, but do it next week if he's late.

We also had a nice pizza last night and a friendly chat. It was nice. I think he understands about these new rules, he's grumpy but accepts it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tiredofsingleparenting · 08/09/2017 12:51

freakin He has lost a lot of confidence over the past few years. I think he also hates being disorganised and knows that he's falling behind on school work. It was partly friendships. Going to sports clubs really helped like the basketball, and he now has a best friend. However he still doesn't seem to be as confident as other kids at all.

OP posts:

FreakinScaryCaaw · 08/09/2017 18:30

I know it gets thrown around a lot in here but could he be on the spectrum? I work with adults with autism and recognise my son has mild aspergers. Camhs have hinted at it but never diagnosed. Thankfully at 17 he's on the right track but last year has been horrible.

I hope your son feels better soon for your sake as well as his.

Original poster

Tiredofsingleparenting · 09/09/2017 16:25

Thanks I wonder. He's socially very astute but it's his attention, I'm waiting for an ADHD assessment I wonder if they'll pick anything up.

OP posts:

lilwayneslisp · 09/09/2017 16:37

Let his teeth rot and cause him pain. It's his own fault.

Let him be unprepared for school, he's clearly useless.

Therealslimshady1 · 09/09/2017 20:09

junebirthdaygirl · 09/09/2017 20:25

Lilway this kid could have add or dyspraxia and you call him useless. Poor kid.

Original poster

Tiredofsingleparenting · 09/09/2017 22:40

Thanks june and slim. I don't think I'll write him off just yet lilway

Had a good week am feeling loads more confident about the situation thanks guys. It's amazing how tipping the scales a little can make the atmosphere much better.

My son is taking much more responsibility and is more cheerful. Because I've cut down the amount of times I check or supervise to basically once a day, we don't have conflict. He's still gone in late, still skipped mornings brushing his teeth, but he's improving. His room is tidy, he organised and got up for basketball today, helped with chores.

OP posts:

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