Looking for ways to engage with my 13 year old

[pevie]

Hi. I haven't been on here since my DDs were babies, not really felt the need but since my eldest has become a teen I am finding it increasingly difficult! Most of it is normal teen stuff - being cheeky, refusing to help with chores, wanting to stay out late and constantly being on her phone!! My main difficulty is I find my relationship with her is really strained and we can't seem to have any normal conversations at all. She doesn't seem to want to spend any time at all with us as a family and all the time with her friends. I've read the books that say to try and engage them in chat about their interests etc but she doesn't really have any interests except beauty and music a little. She has given up all her clubs etc and just wants to hang about parks and street corners with her friends. This worries me too as there have been rumours that some of the kids may drink and get involved in trouble in other ways!! She is not in trouble in school but she is definitely not doing as well there as she did. I feel like I worry about her all the time and that it's important to have some kind of relationship so she will at least come to us if she needs to!! She was always a pleasant child who didn't cause much bother but she is now really mean to us, her sister and occasionally friends! I could back off but then I worry that she won't help out, work hard at school and will spend no time with us at all!! Help!!

Is there any clubs she might want to join? 13 year olds shouldn't be hanging around the streets - there are a lot of creeps out there and it's just a bloody waste of time!

Not that you have to take up trampolining to bond with her. It at this age they really really don't want to hang out with mum! I'd try to guide her to join a club or find an interest outside of school. Local drama club or charity?

She does go to one club but used to have lots of interests now doesn't want to engage with those including drama, netball, choir etc. I have spoken about this often. We live in nice area so park she hangs out in is fairly safe and we always make her come home for dinner or at a reasonable time! I think kids do need some time to just hang about with friends but not all the time. We also make her come to family and friend things with us sometimes but she often complain and makes it miserable for us!!

It's a shame her friends don't have something they are into! Is she going into gcse years now?

And I lived in a nice place too and was grabbed by a pervy drunk once (I was short for my age and looked much younger). I guess these days of mobile phones it's easier to keep tabs.

I think that in between kid and 'adult' is tricky because there is still the spark of kiddishness there alongside Kevin the teenager.

I'd have a chat about her needing to be more responsible now that she's a teen and give her some responsibilities at home. If she feels that you are seeing her as an adult then she might be more open and less 'muuuuuuummmmm, you are sooooo laaaaaaame!' Or whatever the current version is!

Remember that communication and engagement can be non-verbal. Instead of trying to talk with her - very annoying for teens - use physical means to connect. Such as, pat her on the back, stroke her upper arm. Sit next to her in silence whenever it is appropriate - TV, meals, in her bedroom (if you're allowed in). When she wakes up or comes home make sure you make eye-contact with her and greet her in a cheerful, friendly way. Even if she grumps and huffs at this it all signals that you are there for her in a non-confrontational and non-judgemental way.
Negotiating behaviour is really important, but it won't have any effect unless she feels loved and worthwhile.

Clear boundaries and lots of signalling of love care and attention. In one of the teenager books I read it said girls like to communicate with you by arguing - so insisting on chores, homework etc can be good. Maybe a box set or soap you like to watch together, or a weekly cafe/shopping trip. I am making an effort to say yes a bit more to my 13 year old dd, who is getting quite independent and self-sufficient - so, yes I will play a sport with her if she asks, or give her a shoulder rub, or watch a programme, even if really I don't feel like it or was just about to do something else.

Film nights are a sure way to get everyone together and chatting in our house. Never too old for popcorn and a laugh.
Let her know it's OK to have a night in with the dps now and again - with no pressure to talk about any issues if she doesn't want to.

Thanks for comments. It is helpful to think about the non-verbal stuff too and I do try that. Always try and give her a very hello when I come home etc. We have tried tv and film nights but there's not much she says she likes! We occasionally get one she'll watch but even when left up to her she'll say she doesn't care what we watch!! So we quite often just watch something the younger one wants to and then she just goes straight back on her phone!! I will keep persevering with this though as think it's worth doing!! Just trying not to make her do stuff but it's tough as she'll rarely express what she wants to do other than going out!! We do the odd shopping trip but that can be hit or miss in terms of whether she engages!! Am just hoping the small moments will add up!! Thanks again!!

Another non verbal method is just 'being there'. I was quite a stroppy teen but I always knew my mother was literally 'there'. She had her own life and interests but was always a physical presence and I found ( and still do find ) that very comforting.

We do film night too. I did read somewhere that even if they are on their phone, the being all together bit is the important bit.
Have to say 14 is easier than 13!!

Most 13 year olds are horrible 😂 14 seems to be a much nicer age (so far) so be reassured that it will pass. Try to actually have fun with her. I've literally dragged my teen to family events and she's had such a nice time. I found when we were in the car was the time my DD would open up the most, I think it felt more relaxed that I wasn't looking at her or concentrating just on her.
I don't think you should back off at all, I think our girls need us at this age. Put your foot down and tell her she's only going out if she's actually going somewhere. Taking the phone away until school work is done has always worked for me.
Your lovely little girl is still in there, she just needs to get through 13. It's a rubbish age.

My main co fee would be that she'll grow up being boring. How can a teenager have no interests? Take her to an art gallery or walking on the dales or something.

😂Ttbb

My concern would be about the hanging around in the park or on the street and the rumours of alcohol and other trouble OP. Do you know the kids she hangs out with? Is she perhaps under pressure from the group to join in with drinking or get involved with other trouble. Are you able to check her phone to see if there is anything going on that you should be concerned about?