12 year old dd and porn

[Peakyblinders]

Sneaked a look at her phone and shes been looking at images and videos on Instagram. Don't know if anywhere else. Also I can see shes been deleting all her message threads.
The deal is I get to periodically check the phone and messages but shes been taking it everywhere lately.
She was in the bath yesterday and I noticed she'd locked the door and had her phone in there. That's when I found it.
Ive removed all devices. Didn't shout just said she was too young to view these image's they arent a true representative of love etc.
What's the next step?
She's avoiding me now.

What kind of phone is it?
Just google it and 'parental controls' and you'll get a walk through in how to set it up as a child account, where she only gets apps you've approved, and where certain categories of websites are blocked. This can also prevent them turning on private browsing.
For double security you an do something similar through the website of your ISP. Obviously this the applies for everyone using your wifi (which is fine by me, I don't want anyone viewing porn in my house)

But giving her an old Nokia or something for now might be better to give yourself time to get to grips with parental controls and set it all up. I would give her the ability to earn back her smart phone (with strict settings) based on her attitude and ehavioir over the next few weeks or months.

Migraleve helpful not!

Well I'm sorry but people hand their children (not even teens) access to the entire web and then come on here all surprised because their child has looked at something they shouldn't?

She travels a long way to school. She leaves at 6.45 am with her sister. She often takes 2 or 3 buses, sometimes a tube. She DOES need a phone as i would like to know where she is and I would like her to be able to contact me if she needs me on the journey.

Ok. I've got some answers thank you. I'm going to get her a basic phone. Ban and block Instagram if it's available.
Phones have to be in the kitchen on charge at night but shes been sneaking down so I'll now keep it with me.
I'm going to look for some afterschool club's but shes got very lazy! And lastly have a conversation without blame about what she's been looking at.

Migraleve I'm sorry I've come on here all surprised. I'm sorry you're a superior parent to me.
Thanks for your input. It's been really helpful.

I had a similar issue with my DD, at the same age, she'd been googling similar to your daughter, chatting in chat rooms, naively, and playing an online game. She became addicted. Eventually I found her getting up in the middle of the night to get the phone from downstairs where it was on charge to play/ chat.

I swapped her phone for a basic brick, and the relief from her was immense - she couldn't stop herself from doing it before, now she no longer can. A year down the line, and she's never asked for the smartphone back, not once.

Eh? I just asked why you were raging! You were getting annoyed at people saying not to be mad at her, I think that's a reasonable response.

Nothing superior at all, but simple common sense should prevail when providing children with access to the internet.

I'm not making her feel bad but neither do I want her to have free access to porn and look at some girl giving a blow job which is what I saw yesterday!!!! Shes 12 ffs !!!!

I didn't say it was ok. It's not, obviously. But your tone in this thread makes me think you might be outwardly freaking out too, which she'll pick up on. Yes, she's 12. She's curious. But don't make her feel like a freak for being curious. When I was that age, there was no instagram and no smartphones. So I looked really closely at the underwear and lingerie sections of my mums catalogues.

How do I physically make her do sports or a club when she literally refuses. I can't physically drag her??

She joins X club and goes to practice X times/wk, she gets online privilege for Xhrs/day. If she refuses, she get 10min/day. You are the mom, you set the rules.

Your dd is addicted to instagram as the result of having access to it 24/7 and never leaving her room. Set firm rules around use of internet. The most basic is to leave phone downstairs at bedtime.

I'm raging at the " dont make her feel bad" comments.

But why? You shouldn't. It really is perfectly age-appropriate to be curious at 12. I first found out that dd1 had accessed a porn site when she was 11. She is now a happy, well adjusted 17yo.

Give her a basic phone. She's only 12. Porn is not healthy for that age. There are apps kids can get, to go around blockages, so I wouldn't trust the blocking Instagram idea and giving her smart phone back. Definitely switch to a basic phone until she's a little older. But be talking to her about sex, porn, prostitution. The works. Have open discussions and let her discuss anything with you. She needs to know what's out in the world. It's not just graphic images she's accessing, she's tapping into a sordid porn world that kids should not have access to. Get in and have chats with her and be real about it before the porn world are the ones teaching her about sex.

I'm a bit late to this thread but I have an app called OurPact on my kids phones. You can block certain apps, limit internet access and set parent control. Basic level is free.

OurPact is installed on my DS phone. He hates it, however if he oversteps the mark, the phone gets blocked so there’s no access to apps and lovely things, but he can still phone and text.

He’s slowly getting better at regulating his use because of it.

I had this with my dd 12 I have her a brick and over time her moods improved, she spent more time with the family and things have been so much better. It was taking over her life.

I don't know why your freaking out. It's not like it was her giving the bj ffs.

She is curious. Have you discussed sex /consent / age appropriate things/social media with her before ?

thanks for OurPact info, faitch

Cloudyapples- yeah cos at 13 it would be totally Ok. And horse riding- we don't all live with access to that.
OP - try not to get to bothered by those who think it's as simple as do A = B result. We are not all blessed with children who do as they are told and not push the boundaries. No one would argue that watching open is not healthy for a 12 year old. I think you should sit down and talk with her honestly about what a skewed version of reality it is and why you don't want her watching it. Ask her what she thinks a solution would be given she is a minor and you the parent. Don't blame but put some of the responsibility back on her . I don't envy you as I know how hard it can be with teens (or preteens) who are pushing the boundaries.

Watching porn not open

I agree with the don't get angry comments. It's so normal to wonder what's out there! If it wasn't, porn wouldn't be the industry that it is.

With things like music videos being so sexual and evocative I think the age for being curious is getting younger and younger. The Internet and access to so much is making young women wonder what's expected of them in a sexual relationship. Could it be that she was trying to learn?

If so, take to her. Less about the physical side of sex and more about the emotional. Perhaps reinforce the importance of being in a loving relationship where you are respected and feel comfortable to be physical.

Use this to to your advantage, as a tool to get closer to her and new ways to relate. Please do not get angry or deny her any access to the phone at all. She will only resent you for it. Instead try to tighten the security settings and reassure her that as she gets older alot more information will become available to her.

If you don't share this information with her, someone else will. Perhaps friends who are ill informed themselves.

Whatever you do, don't make her feel guilty. Take it from a girl who was made to feel like the devil's child when becoming more explorative! It damaged me for years and I was embarrassed about my body and my needs. You want to avoid doing that if you can

How do I physically make her do sports or a club when she literally refuses. I can't physically drag her??

We are lucky Ds has always done footie twice a week because he loves it and has friends who love it too. This also spills over to playing for fun if they can find an empty AstroTurf pitch.

But on top of this I insist on another couple of physical activities twice a week, he can choose swimming, gym (local gym allows as soon as they are in secondary), badminton anything he wants.

I tell him he can spend as much time on his phone and Xbox as he wants as long as homework, studying, physical activities, 30 mins daily reading, he eats with us, comes on dog walk at least twice a week, and room is kept tidy first. No one else’s mum makes then do all that (according to ds), but once he realised it was that or no phone/Xbox he just gets on with it.

No porn/inappropriate images issues though............yet!

Talk to her about how it’s perfectly normal to be curious about sex and also what’s on the internet but that’s she’s too young to look at certain things etc etc
I agree don’t make her feel like she’s bad for doing it or she might not want to talk to you further down the line, she’s only 12 believe me there’s a lot more to come and you want her to be comfortable about talking to you about anything.
Put blocker apps on her phone and use your child safety on your router settings and other stuff to keep her safe.

Most 12 year olds would be stuck to their phones if allowed constant access. My 12 year old is only allowed to go on any screen for an hour a day. He has his phone to walk to school but has no data so can't go on anything else other than texting and calls. Also blocked it to the max so he can't view porn etc

I would definitely only give her a basic phone. Most pornography is damaging, in more ways than one. She should have to opportunity to explore and accept her own body and sexuality before beung exposed to the very male cerntiric, aesthetically, well, chavy (yes I know MN hates that word but most porn is) material. The last thing you want is for her to think that kind of things is acceptable let alone desirable.

God, I remember looking at Porn on my laptop aged 11. It isn't healthy but it is normal ...shes not wrong or messed up for looking at it and I hope you're not reacting in front of her the way you are here ...youll give her a complex.
Limit her screen time but don't make her want to hide away in shame.