Evil mother.....I won't cry when DS goes to uni

[DryWhiteagainW]

My DS is starting uni in 2 weeks. People keep asking sympathetically how I will cope? Will I miss him? Will I cry?
The answer is "no" I won't ....then they look at me as if I'm very odd.

I love my son . My house will be a lot quieter without him which will be odd, but...

He's ready to go.
I'm excited for him.
He can manage, cook, organise himself etc
He needs his independence.
He's driving us mad because he can drive, drink, has his own money so why should he follow our rules?
I won't miss the arguments or the mess or the selfishness.

So, there you have it, I'm an evil mother....can't be the only one.

I didn't mean 2 weeks in, I meant in 2 weeks when he actually leaves.

I think it's possible to have all the proud and happy feelings and also cry, but then I'm a cryer. That means I often feel great about something, not expect to cry about it and yet I will still cry when it happens due to big emotions.

Doesn't mean anyone else has to, obvs.

I found it perfectly possible to be very excited for my DD, proud as punch of her and still cry after leaving her at university for the first time.

All natural feelings. A big range of emotions all coming together at once.

My DD graduated this year so is home again now. She is great company these days now that she has well and truly left the teenage phase behind.

At the end of this month she will leave again to begin her first full time job. Excited for her again.

I love WhatsApp in particular for keeping in contact, and occasionally Skype or FB Messenger. They have made it so much easier than it was in my own student days back in the eighties.

I hope my DS replies to my messages when he's away. 'Fine' is not enough. I suppose he'll might want to know things from time to time and I can refuse to tell him until he has engaged in conversation first.

It's just me and DD at home. We are super close and therefore argue hard too 😊😊😊 I shall miss her like hell. And I think she will kiss me too.

But it's what she wants to do. It's all she wants to do. Time for me to start being a woman in my own right again 💜

Rogue, I did initially worry about that happening. Fortunately, it didn't.

For the year abroad WhatsApp in particular was a real boon. DD actually needed a lot more support during that year, even though in the main she enjoyed it. She was in Paris, so not impossibly far and we were also able to visit at times.

I thought I'd be a tearful miserable mess but I wasn't. I was so thrilled to see his excitement at the new phase in his life and so delighted that he was happy that I relaxed for the first time in ages. There were a few tears on the way home but all he saw were smiles.
Skype is brilliant. You can see them in their room and get a feel for how they are doing. Much better than a text or phone call.

Yes. I must learn how to skype. DD will be 21 shortly after DS leaves. She had forgotten that he wouldn't be here to celebrate with her and commented that this will be her first birthday in 21 years without 'the bro'.

rogue - I 'spoke' to my ds - usually by WhatsApp - FAR more while he was away at University than I ever do while he is at home. He'd instigate it usually - yes, often asking for help with some little thing or another, but sometimes he'd just send me a photo.

FaceTime?

My DD1 starts uni at the end of next week & is feeling very nervous about it. I'm really going to miss her, but I'm excited about this next phase for her - and really want to see her settled & happy there. These last days before she goes feel like an anxious wait, though we're enjoying shopping for things to take.

The night before DS1 left for Uni I had a little cry cuddled up in bed with DH. I said, "I want it to be the night we first brought him home from the hospital, I want to do it all again."

But it's lovely really, to see them grown up into fantastic young adults.

DS1 has graduated now and spent the past year either traveling or at home saving for travelling. Now he's got his first proper graduate job and is preparing to move out for good. It feels different this time. There is more confidence that we are not really losing him in any meaningful way.

I didn't cry when any of my 4 left for Uni but I'm not much of a cryer. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I dont think its anything to be smug about though. There's nothing wrong with crying is there?

I think having four kids helps. When my first kid left he was r excited and very ready to go and I still had three left at home so it wasn't as though I was suddenly left with an empty house. By the time my youngest left we were all used to the kids leaving for Uni and it seemed less of a big deal. Knowing how quick the semesters fly by and how long the holidays makes them leaving less of big event.

I think it's nice to hear from the non-criers occasionally Too. Otherwise it starts to feel as though sobbing, mourning and generally not coping is the norm or somehow obligatory. (The criers are quite outspoken about their crying.)

Also I think getting upset in front of the 18 year olds themselves could be dodgy bordering on very poor parenting. They do still need a certain level of parenting, after all; The kind that gives calm support and gives them permission to go and start their adult lives guilt-free.

If articulating any of that is smug, in your view, I'm not quite sure what to say.

Well said SerfTerf

I sometimes wonder if leaving to go to uni is sometimes given too much hype. I wonder how many students are led to believe they are going to find themselves, have an exciting adventure, the time of their life etc and are subsequently disappointed. I hope my DS will experience uni as these things in general, but a bit of brisk, calm getting-on-with-it approach is surely useful too.

Very glad DD is going on the train with DS and me so I won't have the opportunity to spend the return journey wallowing.

I'm not a cryer either.
D's went back a couple if weeks ago for her final year. Ds goes in ten days.
I'll be all alone
And am moving house in January 250 miles away.
New beginnings for everyone....

I keep getting asked how I am going to 'cope' when my son goes off in a couple of weeks.
I'll be fine! I do get anxious about things going wrong, and will be catastrophising left, right and centre. But that won't last long, I'm sure!
He's ready to go, he's bored at home, and needs more stimulation and structure than his little job and his mates are currently giving him.

He will be fine, and I will be fine, just not in the same house anymore!

I did make the mistake of watching Toy Story 3 the other day though...

Don't worry, in a few short years they will be back .

Tinky I agree with you. I'd love to turn the clock back for just one day and have them when they were little again . It does go too fast.
Rogue also agree with you about 'finding themselves at uni'. DD is just msgarting sixth form and hasn't really enjoyed secondary school, especially the complicated fm elation ships. She's already thinking about making new uni friends for life etc, I really hope that happens for her, I know a few who've hated it .

I had an absolute nightmare summer with my DS this year! I called parentline and cried for hours ! I couldn't wait to see him start a new life either. I took him to Glasgow this week and stayed with him for two days, doing the food shopping , last minute uni prep etc). I had the best time ever with him and feel that I have finally got my DS back. As soon as we got on that long 6 hour train , we spent time reminiscing about the good things. I cried all the way home ( happy tears , bitter sweet tears and downright sobbing!)
We have since had phone conversations and he seems really plessed- happy son...happy mum! Have faith , they grow up quickly once we let the apron strings go!!!

Having had ds go off to uni and home over the summer made me realise that they have actually not left home ! I travellled in the holidays at uni but it seems they come home for long periods to bed fed and to work to pay the overdraft !