I don't think this is a good idea and I've told her so.It's her first love and he was her first IYSWIM. She is in love. They split up in July after going out for about 7 months. I just can't see it ending well. She was so upset this time round after 7 months. As I said in a previous thread, they are at completely different places in their lives. He has lived, done things, had a few serious girlfriends. My daughter wants him to be the one.
When they first got together I posted about it on MN under a different name. I have had to create a new account with new email as I could never remember/log in on other one.The general concensus at the time was it could work/age gap relationships can work but I can't stop myself from thinking it's weird, he's weird and I'll explain why.
My daughter is mature and I think vulnerable because of her past history of social anxiety. She has very bad acne on her face. She has had interest from boys in the past and has seen one in particular a few times and been close to others on social media, all normal stuff.
She met this guy at her friends NYE party. He was a friend of the party hosts brother but not a good friend so no-one really knew him or about him. He is 27, he has his own apartment and is in a joint mortgage with his flat mate who is also his best mate from school. These are all things he has in his favour. I can see the attraction for my daughter. He has his own place, he drives and has his own car(nothing fancy, an old escort) He has a secure job, works shifts and has the potential for overtime.
I have said from day one that there is a power imbalance, it's hard to put my finger on how but I sense it as her mum. I think he is controlling and manipulating. He dictates when she sees him because of his shifts(works for railway so does some funny shift patterns) Fair enough you might say and DD didn't mind as she was meant to be revising her A levels (HAAAA!) (see other thread about that). He also gets to say what they do/where they go about 90% of the time. He is also really mean with money and I mean really mean. He expects her to pay half for everything even though he works (a lot) and at the time she had a week end job at Primark and was only doing 8 hours. I/she didn't expect him to pay all the time but just sometimes would be nice. He never came to pick her up in the car and rarely dropped her off as he didn't want to use his petrol. She needed to get a bus/Uber/rely on me.
I know you are all going to say he had a lot of bills and I agree but he did have the money/could spend the money on himself. He was big on going to concerts and meeting his musical heroes and always upgraded to the experience tickets. I looked one up and they are eye wateringly expensive! He also travels abroad a lot and has big holidays but can't put his hand in his pocket for my daughter to have a chicken burger and fries occasionally.
They used to argue a lot, mostly about his meaness. He always wanted to give her experiences, make her do things, like go clubbing which she wasn't happy to do because of her anxiety. If for whatever reason she did do something and come out of her comfort zone he would take 'credit' for it in what I thought was an unpleasant way. This really wound daughter up. He did do some lovely things with her, took her away for a romantic weekend for her 18th (she was still 17 when she started seeing him) took her to Thorpe park for the day, got her to eat foods she had never had before. He was just arsey about how he did it. He made her aware of what things cost (why?) With Thorpe park she paid for her tickets/fast track (how much!!!) and even half of the parking and half of the petrol.He would laud it over her and make her feel (I think) that she should be grateful. The food thing just pi*ed me off as she suddenly came home eating prawns and trying sushi (lol).He nagged her to open up her own current account and when she finally did, took credit for it.
He was effectively her social life and I think he realised this more and more over time and in the end finished it as he couldn't cope with her 'needs'. She did have a few close friends, well one main girl friend but didn't go out. Even when she started at Primark and was with people of a similar age and was always being invited out she just couldn't do it her anxiety was too great.
I knew she was safe with him. I knew he wouldn't be doing the reckless things that kids her age/slightly older might be doing. I knew where she was. He told her she was beautiful and she would let him see her without make-up, a huge thing for her. He did boost her confidence and she even started going into work without make-up so I can see there were positive aspects to their relationship.
Now fast forward to his 'odd' behaviour post break up. He was always supposedly fully supportive of her studying and wanted her to do well. He probably did want her to get the grades so he could take credit for that (lol!). They had split up by results day. He messaged her best friend to ask how she was/how she did. Luckily friend didn't say C, C, D but said she was doing ok and was starting to go out more to the pub and had started clubbing. He seemed pleased with this. It wasn't entirely true but daughter was happy with what her friend had said but it put her back. After this contact to her friend, daughter started going out and one night she did go clubbing and met a boy she knew from Primark. He is 19. She started seeing him and he seemed like a nice boy, nice family, liked her etc. In one of her drunken episodes she reached out to her ex over social media(I said this would happen) and they started talking again. If you read my other thread you will know this was why she was being so horrible to me and I guessed why at the time.Against my wishes she went over to her ex's this week and they ended up sleeping together (I warned her this might happen). She was really, really sad and upset the next day. I was angry as I felt he was manipulating her as he had heard she was seeing a new lad and didn't like it. She wanted to, it was 100% consensual but she also really, really wants to get back with him. I think he knows this and I'm thinking what's your game? I don't think he particularly wants to be with her but he doesn't want her to meet/be with anyone else.
Daughter has seen this other lad since the meet up with her ex and is now sleeping with new boy which I really don't like as it's too soon, not what she really wants, not fair on new boy as she really wants to be with ex.
Yesterday ex got in touch with daughters best friend again to find out how daughter was after their meet up. This isn't right is it? If I posted this on the relationship board they would be saying it's a red flag, he's being manipulative and controlling etc. He's back in her head now and daughter is back to where she was when they first broke up. I think he sees her as being more attractive now as she has started to go out and wouldn't be as reliant on him. I just don't get what he sees in an 18 yr old? She was 17 when they met, it's just all a bit euuuw. She was in 6th form .
She is seriously considering going back to him, thoughts?
I don't feel like I can support her this time around. I did before and tried to like him/give him benefit of doubt but the more she told me, she tells me a lot, the less I liked him.I think I should just be like you know how I feel, you need to make your own way/own decisions if you are going to do this and leave her to it. She has no job, no money other than the euro's I gave her to go on holiday with him and that was a disaster! He chose the location, itinerary, everything. They split shortly after coming back but that's a whole other thread! He does have a good work ethic and did keep her in her job longer than I think she would have stayed. I think I will cash up the euro's , give her the money, not be on hand for lifts, tell her she needs to go back to Primark to support herself. What do you think? Too tough? She is 18, but it's hard, I'm torn.
Sorry it's so long but I know I will get good advice on here.