Nearly 13 year old DD attitude hatred and contempt

[Brighteyes27]

My lovely DD age 12 3/4's so not technically a teenager but she has all the attributes in terms of boobs, pubic hair, period, hairy legs, the beginnings of hairy arm pits and moods.
She has very few friends at home but we're just on holiday and she has met two friends both a year younger. We have barely seen her during the days and when I see her on a morning, briefly during the day or when we go for a meal at night she is either surly, rude, doesn't speak at all only wanting to play on her phone, half turns her head away from mine when I try to have a conversation with her she snaps at me or is rude or nasty to me. She isn't like this to my DH. We also have a DS a year old and they bicker a lot. So having hardly seen her all day am I expecting to much to expect her to be civil respectful and to act like she is part of the family at night, meal times and the rare occasions we see her during the day. Any advice please.

Sorry my DS is a year older than her not one year old. DH does pull her up on this as do I. Don't know how much more I can take she is quite immature but acts like she knows everything.

Is she getting her basics needs met?
Enough sleep?
Decent food with not too much sugar?
How's her screen time?

If you can discount all of those affecting her moods then just talk to her. Spend time with her as she may need to 'reconnect' with everyone.

Also, Tell her how her behaviour is affecting the family and that it's not acceptable. Dh needs to back you up.

Welcome to puberty! She will be back in a couple of years!!

intuition haha i was going to say that! Dd was very similar from about 10-12, lovely some days and a PITA on others. She's 13 now and is lovely and so easy to get on with. I'm just waiting for the second phase to hit!

When DS1 went through this I thought he had been possesed

Gone was my loving sweet boy and in his place was angry, moody, cannot be reasoned with 6ft toddler.
Two years on he is back to being polite and helpful and shows his siblings kindness most of the time.

I have no advice I am afraid as I am about to go through it again with DS13

Yes she is getting enough sleep she always has too much sugar but is such a fussy eater. I minimise the screen time no screens all day and none at meal times but as serving times have been so long here.
They have taken a photo and played on it messaged a little but not massively. Here she was responding to a holiday friends messages.
How did everyone react/parent during this time/these times situations?
I am finding it really difficult to remain calm and not treat her in a similarly awful way that she is treating me.
DH has picked her up on her behavior and given her several good talkings too and even DS has been good.

I find this site really helpful.
May give you some tips or reassurance?
www.ahaparenting.com/Ages-stages/tweens/tweens-preteens

If you're on holiday I do think you need to give her some consequences, if she's being rude and surly every time she sees you then tell her she won't be spending time with her new friends. After all, holidays are supposed to be family time and it's not fair if she's ruining it for others. It is hard, you just have to be consistent and keep pulling her up on her behaviour, but without shouting, otherwise they just tune out!

Thanks yes her main two friends have gone home now. But yes she's monopoloised the holiday.
Several nights we have met up with her friends and their parents in the hotel bar who were lovely and we all got on very well. But we have compromised our night family time to accommodate this. Only three days left and after last nights performanace rudeness and ingratitude we won't be cutting tonight short to meet up with the other friend.

What are the consequences for her behaviour? Have you talked to her about her attitude? What does she say?

We have talked to her and she doesn't listen.
She has dyslexia she is bright enough but she is a total follower to the exclusion of all else whereby we basically don't exist as she is so obsessed with these friends. Which is lovely to see her happy and having fun as she has had a difficult year 7 with friendships as she made some wise choices. But this single minded obsession and rudeness has spoilt my holidays.
If at home it would be a technology ban or something but as they were swapping phone numbers yesterday DH gave her, her phone.
I am so angry with her I feel like slapping her and locking her in a room (but I haven't done either but it's been a struggle).
I am mostly reading my book this morning.

Yes it is a normal stage, but you don't have to just suck it up and wait for it to pass. Give her consequences and be very firm about them. She needs to earn her right to spend time with the friends she is so obsessed with right now. Every time she gives you attitude, she is grounded for X days. Tell her upfront what the rules are, so that she can plan her "outbreaks" accordingly. She is in control, literally.

Thanks I took her phone off her all day yesterday. I said if she was nice or reasonable she would get it back in time for a face time call with her holiday friends who had gone home. It took awhile but she eventually came around.
Thanks all its really hard not loosing the plot with her as she seems to behave in the most annoying ways possible.

Hi Brighteyes, I only have time to read your first post at the moment, and the description of your DD. Let me tell you I had, 3 years ago, one exactly (or near enough) the same. She is now the sweetest 15.5 year old you can imagine, so there's hope for you. At the moment I would put it down to all teenage stuff you mentioned, and try and ride it out as much as you can. I will try and get back on here later to catch all the rest of the thread.