Has anyone got a son with oppositional defiance disorder whose behaviour has mellowed

[Squeegle]

I am looking for positive experiences of boys with ADHD and ODD. My DS was diagnosed with ADHD about a year ago, he's 13 now. His behaviour is so challenging, he argues with me, his sister, his dad. We're on holiday at the moment and it's so painful - he argues about everything and enjoys nothing. He actually thinks that we are all completely unreasonable, not him, even when we are bending over backwards to find something he enjoys, somewhere he wants to go. My DD is so fed up with it, it is just so unfair on her.

What strategies worked for you? Did he mellow as he got older? He is basically just like Kevin the teenager at the moment and I'm finding it so hard ...

Hmm, anyone? I'm sure there are some experiences out there?

I have a DD with both she hasn't mellowed yet but she's 16 so still time. 13-15 was the worst though, we are down to maybe 2-3 meltdowns a week as opposed to a day, all over pretty small things. She has to try and control everyone and everything in her environment to feel ok and obviously that's not going to happen, "no" is the trigger 😬. I just say no calmly offer a small explanation "no dd 5 people can't stay over tonight I have work at 6 and we don't have room, on Friday you can" then ignore the hysteria that comes my way, I often take the dog for a walk. What's your DS like at school?

He gets into quite a lot of trouble at school, mainly due to being surly and not doing any work. It worries me really as I have no idea how he will pass any exams. Sounds like your DD is a bit better- it's a hard old road isn't it? We had a slightly better day today, mainly due to me being calm and cool, but I really do wonder if the things I'm doing are the right things... I do tend to just leave the room if he's going into angry meltdown now, it works better for both of us!

Is he on med's?

I find home easier than school , DD doesn't behave any differently there she's at a specialist school and has at least 1 huge meltdown a day with tears screaming , swearing and destroying things. I'm not sure if it gets easier or I've just learnt how to detatch and not react, although I've not mastered it 100% of the time 😬. I am told by her camhs worker that things get easier around 19-20 but who knows!

I'm sure your doing a great job , no one can do it the right way 24/7 you just learn techniques that make you feel less frustrated and anxious.

Yes, he takes elvanse, I think it helps. I actually think it is much worse at the moment as we are on holiday. I think he seems to value familiarity more and more and holidays seem too difficult. I guess I am learning to adapt,
It is hard for my DD though.

Thank you running, it is hard for them at school it seems. I'm sorry you are having a hard time of it. My son has huge inhibitions and generally only melts down with me- he keeps it all suppressed until then and so it can be a bit wild. I try to stay calm but it can be hard on my mental state.

Obviously I'm just speculating, but autism commonly co-occurs with ADHD, and it's often not picked up until ADHD med's are started as the autism becomes more noticeable once the ADHD is ameliorated. What you describe as oppositional could be PDAish autism. I would say it's worth exploring. The Explosive Child would be worth reading.

Thank you Polter, he was given the Ados test when he was assessed for adhD and wasn't deemed to be; although he certainly has trouble understandin others! I've been reading the explosive child and doing the best I can, but just wondering really if it is likely to improve any time soon. I'm guessing not, he is occasionally ok, but difficult a lot of the time; I'd love it for those proportions to swap

i have odd and by the time i was 16 it calmed down a lot, nowadays when i argue with someone i just agree with everything that is said and walk away, tends to piss people off a lot more now believe or not, odd is living hell in the school years partly the reason why i left with no gcses.

I can't help as mine is still primary school age.
Do you think it gets worse as they get older?

Intuniv has worked like a charm for DS2. All symptoms of ODD have disappeared. He is 14, and has ADHD.

DS has an ASC with a lot of ODD-ish behaviour. All sorts of things make him anxious - even enjoyable things like going on holiday - and when he gets anxious he gets ratty. Really REALLY ratty. Every single time we've taken him on holiday til he was about 16 I have spent the first day thinking "this is a disaster why did we bother he hates everything about it I just want to go home." But by about the third day he'd usually settle in and calm down and maybe even start enjoying himself.

What works for DS is to tell him what is going to happen and where we are going (not ask) and not really expect him to enjoy things and to kind of ignore all his grumbling and (verbal) rattiness. He's just venting his anxiety and it doesn't mean anything. La-la-la, let's have some ice cream - at least he reliably likes ice cream! And DS (now 18) has massively improved with age. Still ratty when nervous but not so extreme.

I'm glad he has improved klein, yes my DS is particularly bad on holiday. I honestly don't think I can take him next year, it's not just rattiness it's outright rage, misery and nastiness. But there are signs that he is a nice person underneath it all, just want to know how to access those bits more easily.

One of the things that helped was just DS getting old enough to leave by himself with his tablet plugged into the internet whenever he feels like. It's his happy place. Yes we only ever holiday in accommodation with wifi

We did explosive child too. For us it was mostly about figuring out what the triggers were and avoiding them to help him stay calm. Not worrying about things that weren't safety-critical. Not blaming or punishing him for stuff he really couldn't help. We never got very good at problem solving and negotiating but we keep trying. I pretty much gave up arguing with DS. I'd say it the first time, he'd argue, I'd repeat it just once and then I'd shut up no matter how much he argued because there wasn't any point. Negotiating was different, that was for making agreements upfront and often it was more a matter of me telling him what the deal was going to be or offering him a choice of two alternatives.

But over the last couple of years he has got a lot more chill about coming out to things with us. We even offered him to stay home and he wanted to come on holiday! Though he still doesn't like wandering about just doing random things in a touristy way. We need a plan.

Thank you kleinzeit. I think there is a lot there about acceptance and knowing that that is how he is. I'm still learning and trying to be more patient. I have a picture in my head of what I thought our little family would be like (supporting each other, enjoying each other's company etc) , and I guess I get frustrated when it doesn't work out like that! So I just need to get over that a bit I think.... he can be easy sometimes, I get angry though sometimes if he swears at me and then the temperature really goes up. It's much better if I can be calm
And walk away. It's reassuring that your DS has matured a bit I must say!