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Teenagers

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Original poster

Unreasonable punishment?

36 replies

Dusty11 · 27/08/2017 19:28

DD (age 13) has spent three weeks staying with her father, his new partner and their toddler. They live over 100 miles away. DD recently borrowed a book from her step-mum - and lost it. It was a genuine mistake, and she bought her a card and wrote an apology inside.

When DD arrived at their house, her mobile phone was confiscated. She had no access to the internet and no way to communicate with friends, or watch films/ videos etc. She was allowed to call me from their land line, and did so in tears. I offered to collect her, but she was keen to see her father. She was expected to be in bed by 9pm.

I have mixed feelings about this punishment. For a start, her phone is owned by me, and I pay her contract. I would not confiscate a present that her dad had bought her. Whilst I appreciate that she won't die from lack of access to the internet, her whole life is bound up with snap chatting and messaging friends. She also calls them when she needs advice or feels lonely.

My mum, and several of my friends, have described the confiscation as 'child cruelty'. I don't agree, but I do feel that my DD is very powerless in this situation, and that she is being punished severely for an honest mistake. AIBU?

OP posts:
lljkk · 27/08/2017 20:44

Why confiscate the phone as punishment for the lost book? That makes no sense. Ask her to pay for it, maybe, but what's the phone to do with making amends? Confused

Not cruelty but they seem keen to make sure she doesn't visit again. :(

ClemDanfango · 27/08/2017 20:47

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thebfg75 · 27/08/2017 20:48

It's a stupid punishment, actually no punishment is needed, she didn't rip it up in a fit of temper, she lost it accidentally. Surely a consequence would have been that she ordered a new copy and used her own money to buy and have it delivered. That would work well. Time for a parenting chat with your ex??

BathshebaOak1 · 27/08/2017 20:48

If an adult lost someone's book, they'd apologise profusely and buy another one. I'm not sure why an apologetic 13 year old needs to be punished beyond this just because they are a kid.

ClemDanfango · 27/08/2017 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AldiAisleOfCrap · 27/08/2017 20:52

Are you sure it was a punishment and wasn't that they wanted to spend time with her.

BathshebaOak1 · 27/08/2017 20:52

Also, it's not exactly conducive to her developing a good relationship with the new partner. It was thoughtful and kind of her to write an apology card to her.

Haffdonga · 27/08/2017 20:56

Was it a very special book? (a personal memento or symbolic of something important to step mum?)

Original poster
Dusty11 · 27/08/2017 21:45

It was a mass-circulation Terry Pratchet book FFS! Step-mum is claiming that it had huge sentimental value because her dad gave it to her before he died 5 yrs ago. I am sceptical. DD originally offered to buy a new copy, but this was refused.

I have spoken to her father, but he seems incapable of standing up to his partner (I think in part, because he is jobless and completely financially dependent on her). I'm shocked that he has allowed this, as he doesn't really really do revenge punishments.

DD loves and misses her dad, and is desperate to spend time with him at any cost. I just hate to see her so unhappy.

Grateful for any advice...

OP posts:
BathshebaOak1 · 27/08/2017 22:22

Did your dd ask to borrow it?

ClemDanfango · 27/08/2017 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

genuineidiot · 27/08/2017 22:40

Of course YANBU. It was an accident. As someone else pointed out, if it was an adult that borrowed and accidentally lost the book I highly doubt they would have been punished if they were apologetic. It sounds like your DD has done all she can to apologise to this woman.

RJnomore1 · 27/08/2017 22:43

I'm not in your situation but I have a child the same age and I'd be damnèd if she was returning somewhere she was treated like that.

I realise this may be easier for me to say than you to do...

Crumbs1 · 27/08/2017 22:44

Just nasty and unkind. I'm all for youngsters learning responsibility but it's a book, for goodness sake. If it was of huge sentimental value it shouldn't have been loaned to a child. We could undoubtedly make everything 'of sentimental value' but a Pratchet book? Really?
You might need to advocate and say something to her father and step mother along the lines of "You are adults, she's a child stop being so unkind. Give her back her phone and start behaving like an adult and not a spiteful and jealous adolescent". Doubtless it won't go down well but some things need to be said.

Herculesupatree · 27/08/2017 22:46

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 27/08/2017 22:47

Yeah that's not on. It was an accident. She didn't lose it on purpose. If this is the step mum doing it then words need to be had with her father, because that's spiteful and unpleasant. It's nasty.

elephantoverthehill · 27/08/2017 22:48

How odd! Books are for reading, not for looking at their spines neatly on the shelf. Batshit behaviour.

MaisyPops · 27/08/2017 22:50

An apology and an offer of a new book ia more than enough.

Never lend things you wouldn't be willing to lose comes to mind. If the book had huge sentimental value then they shouldn't have lent it to a child.

I think the new partner is being spiteful (and I'm usually of the view that step parenta get a bad time on here)

SenoritaViva · 27/08/2017 23:03

If the book was that special to her she shouldn't have lent it (to anyone). Feel v sorry for your DD.

Ilovetolurk · 28/08/2017 07:27

I agree with all the posters above. The treatment of your DD was v unreasonable

When your DD is back can you talk to her about how it is for her there and whether there is anything you can do/say to improve things, even if this means shorter visits etc

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 28/08/2017 07:30

That's awful, poor girl.

Theworldisfullofidiots · 28/08/2017 07:49

I'd go and get her.

NC4now · 28/08/2017 07:53

I dont think phone confiscation is a cruel punishment per se. It's often a sanction in our house.
BUT I do think it's inappropriate in this instance. Your daughter has made an honest mistake, owned up to it, and offered to put it right. I'm not sure what else she could have done.
If the book was that special it shouldn't have been lent.

Original poster
Dusty11 · 28/08/2017 08:19

Thanks for all your comments. I agree that short-term phone confiscation isn't a problem per se, but in this instance, she's away from home and away from friends, and so the social isolation is compounded. I have offered to collect her, but she really wants to spend time with her dad, and she gets time alone with him when step mum works.

OP posts:
Notreallyarsed · 28/08/2017 08:29

I think it's well OTT. If the book was so precious to the SM she shouldn't have lent it to a child, it really is that simple. Your DD has apologised in writing and offered to replace the book, I think that shows maturity and also that she's taking responsibility. I agree the punishment sounds spiteful and your x needs to tell his partner to wind her neck in.