DD Missing communication signals

[Wallywobbles]

DD is mostly brilliant. Bright, funny, engaging. Pretty grown up and helpful for a 12 yo, but she does have a communication issue that is always going to give her trouble. And it's becoming increasingly obvious as she talks more to adults.

When she's talking to s.o she just doesn't pick up the signals that she's talking in an inappropriate way, or boring people with inane chatter. And she doesn't pick up fairly heavy hints that it's time to shut up either. Thinking about it this was a really un charming characteristic of her Dad too, but I put it down to him being an alcoholic, but in reality, it was more often than that.

She also talks over people (often adults) and basically doesn't let people get a word in. Also talks to her slightly younger siblings like they are dirt which is grim for all involved (more for us then them I suspect). This morning she went a long way too far and I gave her an absolute roasting.

My DS pointed it out to me a few weeks ago and rightly pointed out that it was going to be a real social handicap for her. Which has rather brought the issue into focus.

Does anyone else have personal experience of this? Or is like this themselves? I'd like to find a way to help her that eases her path a bit. I do worry about her.

This is a pretty common trait in ASD. Does she show any other traits? Obviously this may not be the case and I may be jumping to conclusions, but girls do tend to "mask" their ASD better than boys do. If it is just signal-reading she has a problem with, maybe talk to her about it. She may well not be aware what she's doing.

Am inclined to admit I was thinking the same as toffee1000.
Obviously might not be - I'd never try to diagnose someone, even in RL, let alone over the internet, but difficulties with social, communication , and interaction are one of the signs of autism.

I don't think she has ASD. What symptoms would she show if she did? Her only other issue is maths. She's very literate, bilingual. Although thinking about it she had a very rigid idea of which language she'd speak with which person and no mixing which is unusual.

I wasn't out-and-out saying she has ASD, only that misreading communication signals is a feature. There are other social and communication difficulties- how does she find making friends? Has this signal misreading hindered that in any way? If you google "asd in women" or similar you'll get lists of symptoms. Again I am no way saying that's what she has, just that communication and social issues are a big part of it (as well as things like intense interests and sensory issues).

She's only 12. I think you're being very unfair on her to say things like this is always going to be a problem for her. She will learn as she matures. I doubt any of us are still the same as we were when we were 12, or had perfect communication skills at that age.

Bigblue I agree that it feels unfair but while she is only 12 she is in a woman's body and face which makes the expectations somewhat different and even more unfair.

We are à bi-cultural family which means are family's cultural mores are neither one thing or another. So for e.g. She will go to kiss people of her age when we are in the UK on both cheeks and won't pick up on them backing furiously away. It'll be me that jumps in to remind her when I notice (their look of panic) what's happening.

To other posters she does make friends, and they tend to be good long friendships. Not always healthy ones but that a learning curve. She also physically very affectionate.

Really I was just wondering if anyone had any tips that I can give her.

Yesterday I ended up being very blunt about it which wasn't a great way to handle it but being subtle about it has been a resounding failure.

DH is like this. He is not diagnosed but I don't think he is neurotypical - this being one of his main, more obvious "symptoms".

I am afraid I have no advice. If I am with him I try and steer the conversation in such a way as to bridge the gap between the "normal" flow and social give and take, and the way his mind works. I don't think it's my job to do with this, I only do it because I feel sorry for him, he really is clueless.

Our children are not so little anymore and are starting to realise that DH is just a bit different as far as social conversation goes.

I see nothing wrong with teaching your child social skills any more than teaching them other life skills. If she was poor at reading you'd help.
I think you have to explain sensitively that you are going to help her learn how to interact with others. Explain how people read and empathise with others and that she sometimes gets it wrong but it's possible to learn how to be better at it.

I teach in a school where I've had a lot of training about ASD & other neuro-psych issues. I also have a 13 year old DD who is on the spectrum.

If subtle hints don't work, I would say that that's another symptom. I have invested time and money into teaching DD social skills. The tween/early teen years tend to be the most painful for this. Spectrum kids are still acting like children, and many of their peers are rapidly developing those social skills and there's an obvious (and painful) difference.

Do be honest & blunt. Use role play, discussion, examples from RL and media to teach this stuff. You don't need to be mean, but just say it like it is. And if you know of a situation where things are likely to arise, have the chat beforehand, e.g. a week before, "DD, remember our British friends have different customs, they won't want to kiss you hello." Then again a few days before, and also just before meeting people.

Don't make it something that's good/bad - remove judgement & emotion. Just say "this is socially acceptable in this situation." For a younger child I would even suggest a list of differences/expectations.

I realized on a recent visit home to see family, that DD is used to having an equal share of conversation when talking to adults, but in a big group of adults and only 1 teen, it's expected that the child would say less, probably. I have had to tell DD that that's a rule outside of school.

Also - hanging around with adults (or younger children) rather than peers her own age is another common symptom.

If you're based in France, though, you could really struggle for support. I've only ever heard that they almost don't believe in ASD, particularly for girls. It could be that she has traits, rather than would receive a diagnosis, so maybe finding some books about ASD and girls could help with suggestions rather than needing medical support. Again - I'm not a doctor, not saying that she has ASD, but if there are similar traits, then similar strategies could help you/her.

Chelsea and kickass thank you that's really helpful.

OP- I don't really have advice but just want to say that I don't think you are overreacting at all. This is the time to help her overcome some of these social issues so that they don't become stumbling blocks for her in the future. You are doing the right thing.

I would say there is more signs there of Aspergers than ASD. Maybe see doc?

Aspergers is part of ASD now Just. Since the DSM 5 was published in 2013 it's all been part of one big umbrella term.