concerned about dd14 friendship with girl

[ohhereweareagain]

dd 14 is friends with a girl who is very nice, known her a long time. What is concerning me is this girl likes to go out in clothes that i think are inapropriate (bra tops, literally a bra & perhaps a jacket). Apparently according to dd her and another girl they sometimes hang out with all (in a nice way) jokingly tease their friend asking her why she likes to dress like that. The girl goes out dressed like this without the mother knowing as she takes the ie jumper off once out of the door, this girl is 13 btw, nearly a year younger. Ordinarily i wouldn't really be bothered but dd has asked if she can go to a shopping centre in a rougher part of london. The thought of her hanging out/walking around the shopping centre with her friend who will certainly have a 'bra' top on is really bothering me as i am concerned about the vibes it may give out and the unwanted attention from the many young male gang types that hang around this particular shopping centre. dd doesn't dress like this (basic stuff ie leggings trainers and a t shirt) but she will get caught up in any possible attention. I am generally not a judgemental type re appearance however this is bothering me. I feel there is nothing i can do ie i don't want dd to stop being friends with the girl nor do i have any intention of talking to her mother, i am just worried . I live in a rough part of london and work in a rough part of west london and outside of the gym can't say i see young teens walking around dressed like this. On the other end of the spectrum dd's other friends dress in a very conservative way , dd is somewhere in the middle

Do you mean a sport's bra, a bit like the Adidas/Nike style?
If so, they are fairly popular amongst teens here.

If not, can you find examples?

it's funny really as if you knew me/the life i live you would know that i am far from someone who judges someone from their looks and makes a snap decision . Having said that, I have to be realistic and sensible when it comes to the safety of my (only) child. i would be the first to say i am perhaps a little overly cautious, that and the fact that i know how i was AND it is rough where i live with an ever growing crime rate (which i sadly get weekly bulletins from as confirmation from the police as i am a member of NHW etc). this friend of hers is a really nice girl but walking around with a fucking bra on in the middle of the day when she is 13 sucks. if this makes me judgemental then so be it. i am not trying to be oh so 'right on' and encourage this 'free spirited' identity bollocks from an age of 13 btw i AM concerned about her friendship with this girl. Quite normal for a partent to be less than impressed with a friend their dc has. I have no intention of stopping her being friends with her, i'm not a controlling type BUT i am cautious of this girl. She has got dd into trouble a few times in the past when they have been out, not to do with boys but other things. It is a friendship that i would be more than happy if/when it fades out and if it doesn't then fair enough. I am always friendly and welcoming to her.

hula i would say very similar although went up a little higher. I don't want to criticise others if they approve of their 13/14 year olds wearing those out in the street, their choice & each to their own BUT i won't let dd and don't like her walking down the street with someone who does. Have to agree to disagree.

But the only issue you have with this girl is her clothing choice, you've send numerous times now that she's a lovely girl. Yet you're worried because of a bra/crop top etc.. they are unpleasant, but it's a fad, like boob tubes back in the day and knee high boots. Surely the fact that she has a good friendship is more important than clothing?

You can teach your DD everyday about the dangers of life, how to be safe etc but a bra isn't going to be the death of her!!

i can't believe you can't see it from the other side of the fence. i agree about not judging people etc etc BUT some boys/men WILL judge her by the way she is dressed and it is because of this that i worry my daughter could get into trouble by association. my liking the girl has nothing to do with it. It has everything about the message it will send off to SOME boys men who view women/females by how they dress. Yes, it is a sad state of affairs but it is dangerous to ignore it. Some men may take it as an invitation that she is easy and assume my daughter is too, it ain't rocket science. We have to agree to disagree because i do not agree with what i view as a dismissive naive attitude, sorry

So it's not a bra she's wearing but a crop top? It changes the picture in the head from the one you put there.

It's pretty obvious where your mind is. Tell the bairn she can't go.

Yanno if your kid wears these crop tops then she's doing exactly what her pal is doing, you do know that don't you? Her mates mother is probably thinking the same thoughts about your daughter what you are

I can see where you are coming from OP, I have a DD a similar age when a friend who is younger than her but looks, dresses and acts much older than 13. Her parents seem to be very relaxed, not bothered where she goes, what time she gets back where I am the opposite. This causes conflict with DD because I am the always the one saying no to going certain places or giving curfews and it seems like I am being super strict in comparison.

my dd doesn't wear crop tops game. i've never said that she did fwiw . Plus it is a bra top that her friend wears, not a crop top (there is nothing that actually sits on her stomach area).

does it at times sunshine make you feel like the big bad wolf? Most of dd's close friends come from families who are REALLY strict, much more conservative with their parenting than me so this kind of thing rarely comes up. Dh & I try to be somewhere in the middle but i don't like to be bullied into allowing dd to do something that doesn't sit well with me 'just because others are allowed' but it is tough at times. Different strokes for different folks! I don't like to judge others but i would be a liar if i said i was never shocked by the way some mothers allow their (younger than 13) dd's to dress/wear make up walking around the high street where we live.

Regardless of the clothing issues, I wouldn't be comfortable with 13/14 year olds on an unaccompanied shopping trip to Westfield Stratford. I have a DD14 and have refused this even though it would be an an easy train trip there for her and her friends.

I compromised my letting them go to Cambridge for the day (SAN train line opp direction). Probably being daft but she knows Cambridge pretty well and it felt safer!

YY OP I am very often the big bad wolf but full of self doubt. I am constantly questioning my decisions wondering if I'm being too overprotective or too laid back. Like you we try to be somewhere in the middle and most of DDs friends parents are the same but there are a few that seem to just let them do what they like. DD sometimes thinks I am saying no because I don't trust her and it's so hard trying to explain that it's actually the people she wants to go with or the situation that I don't like.