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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Parenting a 17 yo

20 replies

chocolateworshipper · 16/08/2017 21:52

DD is 17 and about to start year 13. She has top marks in 2 of her subjects, failed the 3rd, but knows what her plan B is. She also has a part-time job where the manager loves her. She drinks alcohol, but I've never seen her drunk and am as sure as I can be that she doesn't do drugs.

I give that background as context as it may affect your answers. What time should she be home at night if she hasn't got college or work the next day? I'm of the view that teens don't wake up on their 18th birthday magically able to make adult decisions, so you need to give them freedom a bit at a time. However, I am aware that I am possibly too lenient with her because she has been through awful MH problems in the past and I'd rather see her happy. Also, I didn't have a normal childhood so I can't base opinions based on that. DH on the other hand, goes mad about her coming home at 2.00 in the morning (no college or work the next day and not making a noise when she comes in), even if she's been with people we know and trust and even though she's never come in smelling of drink or drugs.

I'd love to hear your views.

OP posts:

Asalways · 16/08/2017 21:55

I don't know what's right or wrong for you but my 17 year old tends to stay over rather than come home! But she has a horse that she needs to look after so she probably stays out once a fortnight.

theancientmarinader · 16/08/2017 21:59

Mine leaves for uni in a couple of weeks (not 18 until next year) so really she is going to have to be making her own decisions on that score... we have had another teen living here for 18 mos (same age) so have had to accept that the odd late late night is going to happen. I don't like it (my baby! Scary!) but I try to take to my bed with my fingers in my ears and try and will myself to sleep so I don't know what time it is.
If she was waking up the household when she got back, it would be anti-social. As long as nothing untoward is going on, I think you have to grin and bear it. Obviously chatting normally about where they going/ what are they doing, and keeping the lines of communication open.

happy2bhomely · 16/08/2017 22:03

My son is 16. He will be 17 in October.

He doesn't have a curfew. He lets me know where he is and when to expect him back so that I don't worry, but that's it. He knows he can call me if he is any sort of trouble or for a lift, day or night. He hasn't called yet.

He doesn't hang around the streets. He doesn't smoke and has never shown signs of doing any drugs. He has never been in any trouble. Works hard at school. Has a great attitude at home. He does his chores and often babysits for us.

I have raised him the very best that I can and I trust him to make good decisions, or at the very least to call me if he makes a bad one.

He came home from his prom at 2pm the next afternoon. He walked to the all night McDonald's with 15 others at 1am then crashed at a mates house after a couple of beers. He texted me when he got in a cab from the prom, when he got back to his mates and when he woke up, which I think is more than reasonable.

I don't really understand your DH's problem. I want to see my ds living his life and having fun with his friends.

titchy · 16/08/2017 22:04

Time home depends on what they've been doing. Club - 3am or later fine. Pub - I'd expect home around midnight, party around 1am. Hanging round the park drinking White Lightening - back by 8pm...

Once they're in sixth form tbh it's up to them - as long as they can get home safely and quietly, and tell me of any change in plans, that's good enough.

OhTheRoses · 16/08/2017 22:07

Well mine are 22 and 19. Dd just finished yr 13 because of losing a year to mh problems. Sunday - Thursday they didn't go out because they had activities and/or homework. Friday/Sat no curfew but we had to know where they were and they had to maintain contact.

OhTheRoses · 16/08/2017 22:08

Oh, and it was the same for their peers.

Silverdream · 16/08/2017 22:13

2.00 was ok in this house at that age. I had the same attitude to you as in break them in slowly and respect their freedom. Your H is prob having difficulty in getting used to the idea of her becoming an adult.

bengalcat · 17/08/2017 12:32

Depends on the teen really and how they're getting home it public transport / parent - mines come home from concert at 02 before but majority of way on tube with a friend - she always texts when out in evening (usually earlier though ) to tell me she's leaving so I know when to expect her - or start ' ringing the police ' ( not happened yet ) - whatsapp works on most of under found so we can keep in text contact

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 17/08/2017 12:38

My son is 17. I am fairly relaxed as a parent - I don't mind him drinking alcohol (like your dd I have never seen him drunk) and he doesn't have a curfew as such, but then he rarely stays out late. If he goes out with friends he's usually home by 10 and has only stayed out til the early hours once after his prom, where he got a lift home from his granddad at 3am. He does have a habit of being nocturnal however and will frequently go downstairs at midnight to cook pasta or make toast. If he has school the next day I advise him not to be up all night, but otherwise leave him to it because he will suffer if he is tired the next day and will learn from it. When he goes out with friends I remind him that he needs to take a key and if he gets stuck for transport to phone us or his granddad and we will come and get him, but to keep taxi money to one side.

Isadora2007 · 17/08/2017 12:45

Definitely agree with you and not your husband. She is pretty much an adult and if she keeps you in the loop about her plans and is generally sensible then I'd let her be.

If she was in too late she will suffer the consequences of being tired like all of us do- it's how we learn and how we make better choices the next time.

I too have a 17 yr old. 😊

BackforGood · 17/08/2017 12:56

Depends on where they are.
Depends on who they are with / what they are doing.
Depends how they are getting home.
I'm surprised at 17, they can get in to places that stay open that late - they are really hot on ID checks here, and fake ID doesn't cut it like it used to in my day
The time itself wouldn't bother me, in the holidays.

sijjy · 17/08/2017 13:13

I've found this really interesting as my dad is 17 in October and we have had a massive amount of trouble with her these past few weeks.
She has a in time of 10:30. Which I thought was quite decent as her best friend is 15 and normally has to be in earlier. We do let her stay out later if she's going to a party or event.
Recently we have caught her climbing out the window once we are asleep then leaving the window open to get back in. I have a problem with this as she's leaving a window open while we are all asleep and she's leaving it open on the front of the house for all to see. I also have a problem with this as she is sneaking out to spend time with lads that hang around smoking weed.
After reading this I'm starting to think that 10:30 is too early. But like I said if she is going to a party or something we do let her stay out later. We live in a rural area too so if she does stay out later we have to pick her up. Which isn't always great as we also have a 5yr old that gets up at 6:30am.

sijjy · 17/08/2017 13:13

Dd not dad

Original poster

chocolateworshipper · 18/08/2017 20:09

Thank you all for your responses - I really appreciate them. I think it may well be that DH is struggling with the idea that she will soon be an adult. I agree with his idea that "it's our house - our rules" - but I don't think "our" rules need to be quite so strict.

OP posts:

Violetcharlotte · 18/08/2017 20:26

Hello, I've got a 18 and 16 year old do similar dilemmas!

In term time when they've got college the next day 10pm (unless it's an event like a show or big football match)

School holidays - this year I've said to them 11pm week nights as I've got to get up in the morning for work.

Weekends - I'm pretty flexible and let them stay out pretty much as late as they want. I trust them both, they do drink a bit, but not excessively.

notquiteruralbliss · 19/08/2017 03:46

No curfew, but we live rurally do transport can be an issue. If they are not staying over somewhere and will need us to pick them up, I expect a rough pick up time and a call or text if plans change. Younger DCs tend to check in more frequently (e.g. they may text to say they have arrived somewhere).

Blogwoman · 19/08/2017 04:51

No curfew here for DD 17 but, like others here, I expect her to let me know her arrangements, including for travel home/staying over with a friend.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/08/2017 05:04

Luckily we're rural. My 17 year old tends to stay over when he goes to see friends. If I'm picking him up, 12 is the letest I'd come out to pick him up.

TBH, I'd struggle with waiting for a key in the lock st 2.00. I'm glad we don't have that scenario,

nooka · 19/08/2017 05:25

I have dd who is almost 17 dd and ds who is 18. ds rarely goes out as all his socialising is pretty much online. dd is more sociable but needs rides late at night unless she is visiting someone very locally. Until very recently they both had a 10pm bedtime, mostly because dd gets migraines if she doesn't get enough sleep and ds heads off to his room at about that time through habit. This summer it's seemed a bit silly to send them off to bed as ds goes to university in a few weeks so the new rule is that they just can't keep me up past 11.30 (mostly stops ds yelling to be honest).

I think that's part of the issue really, when dd has been out late I've felt the need to stay up unless she is with someone I totally trust to get her home safe, and I don't want too many very late nights personally. Perhaps that's part of the issue for the OP's dh?

mumto2teenagers · 20/08/2017 09:07

We don't have a curfew for dd (17), she sounds quite like your dd, sometimes has alcohol but doesn't come home drunk.

She often stays over at a friends house so if she doesn't know when she goes out whether she is coming home or not.

I think at 17 she is old enough to decide what time to come home, she has a saturday job and if she comes home late on a friday night she still has to get up the next day and go to work.

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