14 yr old won't come to family gatherings.

[caringdad66]

We have a family birthday today, but my son will refuse to come.
He will stay home on his x box probably.
Has been like this for past 12 months, hes 14 btw.
Do I accept his decision, or force him to come by threatening to remove his I phone for 3/4 days?
Am a single dad, and not having a partner to turn to for advice is hard.

I wouldn't force him. For me it's a 'choose your battles' situation. A birthday party is not important enough to lock horns over IMO.

Can't see a grumpy teenager who wished he weren't there being much fun at a party, anyway.

Once they get to this age, I try to make it a bit more about give and take rather than behaviour and punishment iyswim. So I recognise that they don't always feel like family gatherings, but that it would mean a lot to me if they turned up sometimes. And I let them see that sometimes I do things for them that I don't particularly feel like doing, but again it's part of give and take. Not exactly bribery, but letting them think more about as equals who are mutually helpful and supportive. And also to let it be clear that if they really do have a reason for wanting to stay behind once or twice I would be reasonable and support them too.

At 14 he would be coming with us, I wouldn't drag him round a NT property but he doesn't get to opt out of family do's.

I wouldn't make him go. I certainly wouldn't be looking to punish him. Family dos are not great fun when you are that age.

I have a 15 year old and he's been like this for a year or so now
He'd rather stab his eyes out than got it a family party
I don't make him
I wouldn't want a sulky teen there anyway spoiling it

Go to a

Is it practical that he came for an hour, say?

I think that's very much how long is a piece of string. It very much depends whose birthday (a beloved grandparent who goes out of their way to help celebrate his and he is otherwise close to, or someone he isn't close to who teased him and makes him feel awkward or generally ignores him?)

I would insist he goes of the birthday celebration is for someone who goes out of their way for him, not for a creepy uncle or spoilt cousin or even a perfectly pleasant relative who he barely knows.

It's very hard. My sister us a single mum and always said its hard to force them to do stuff if you've no-one to back you up.
Can you appeal to his conscience? Or bribe him? They forget older family won't be around forever.

To me, it makes sense to have a general overview of the situation. How often are these family dos? How often does he get the chance to see these people? Are some more important than others? Is it possible to come to some kind of deal?

When you say family birthday, whose birthday is it? If it's yours, or a sibling's, then I think he really needs to join in at least for a couple of hours. But other family members, I'd let slide.

If it's someone who you feel is very good to DS (a grandparent, aunt, uncle, godparent who sees him frequently and takes an interest in his life), perhaps you could invite them to your home for a "birthday cake" and coffee and tell DH he needs to come out of his room and chat to the person for 30 minutes (if necessary, threaten to turn off the WiFi). Or say that the next time they visit, DS needs to make an effort to talk to them for 30 mins.or whatever you think is reasonable.

Family gatherings tend to be boring at 14. I was excused from all such occasions by my parents (not siblings' birthdays) from the ages of 11 to 21 and it seems my cousins were the same. People tend to understand.

I wouldn't make him go. Unless you have worries about him being on his own at home, let him stay behind.

Thanks for the advice.
It's my grandsons 2nd birthday party( his nephew).
Have decided to let him choose.
Think there may be far more important battles ahead.
Love Mumsnet, always helps me make a decision.

His nephew will be unaware in that case, so no hurt feelings in that regard.

2 year old nephew, I wouldn't make him go.