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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Devastated

15 replies

Vocalclaire · 09/08/2017 15:46

My 16 year old daughter hasn't spoken to me in 5 months. She moved out after a turbulent year in 2016 and moved in with her Dad. Since then she has basically severed all contact with the exception of a few hours on Christmas day and a 4 day holiday last summer. In March I saw her and we talked and I thought we had agreed to put the past behind us but she has not spoken to me since. She tells everyone she has no reason for this severing of contact and she just doesn't want to see me.

She did her GCSE's this summer and I have had basically no idea how she got on.. her father won't keep in contact and the only information I get is based on through my Mum.

I feel totally alone and although we had a difficult few years I don't think anything more than average teen/parent arguments took place. She told my other 10 year old daughter (on one brief occasion she saw her) that I mentally abused her was a s**t parent and that I never cared for her. I genuinely don't know what to do ..

Her father is calling round today to get her birth certificate ( so she can get ID to get her tongue pierced! Shudder... ) and I don't know whether to refuse to give it to him unless she agrees to talk.. Any thoughts or will this make things worse - not sure how they could be- than they are already? Her Dad left to go away to a music festival while she was in the middle of her GCSE's.. why am I always the bad guy!

I am exhausted by the constant torment of having been totally cut out but with no clue as to why!

Any help or thoughts appreciated! I'm so upset..

OP posts:
StaplesCorner · 09/08/2017 17:37

I have a friend and a cousin in a similar position, they've been doing some research into support groups, lots of books and internet info - because sadly this isn't as rare as you'd hope or think. Although they don't know each other both adopted the softly softly approach and from time to time sent messages saying "I love you very much I would love to see you for a coffee, we don't have to talk about anything".

Its been a year for both families but the occasional message/acknowledgement seems to work - I can't imagine how much it hurts I'd be hysterical 24/7 I think. Do some research it helps to feel that you are "doing something" and I hope you don't have a long wait for her to come round. I sincerely believe all of you will be reunited at some point.

Original poster
Vocalclaire · 09/08/2017 17:56

Hey StaplesCorner.. Part of the problem is that I am not sure she even gets my messages. Fairly sure she blocked me on her phone..I think my biggest problem is I basically feel betrayed by those in my family that are in contact with her. I am a sane individual I assure you and I KNOW this is absurd! Can't help feeling a bit 'cheated on'... silly I know! I'm going crazy!

OP posts:
StaplesCorner · 09/08/2017 18:55

Yep, my friend has the same problem, she feels that her family have been so underhand - its soul destroying. I think this is, again, common in these cases Sad

mathanxiety · 10/08/2017 06:18

Has her dad been playing good cop/cool dad/DD's best friend here in order to drive a wedge between you and DD?

He is allowing her to get the tongue piercing. I sense that you don't approve of this embellishment. Why is he allowing it?

Does he or anyone else she is in touch with encourage her to badmouth you? Is there a little drama going on with her at the centre, getting attention because of your 'abuse' of her? Is someone whispering in her ear?

user1492287253 · 10/08/2017 06:45

My dsis did something a bit similar, although she was a little older. It devastated my parents too. My mum coped by deciding my sister had a mental illness. And as it turns out she had struggled with mental health as an adult. It did improve when she basically grew up and realised that she had to take responsibility for her own actions. Of course the very second she gave birth she realised what she had done. But she felt at the time it was the only way she could cope.
I guess i am saying that life is long. There is nowt you can do at this point to change the teenage mind, but in the longer term it wont be a teenage mind forever.
The one thing i would add is that i wish my parents had been more robust about it. The whole thing dominated my teen years in that my sister was still the centre of attention even though she was not there!

Original poster
Vocalclaire · 12/08/2017 09:42

Mathanxiety... He is not really the biggest on discipline. I see pics on FB of my daughter out with them with a pint in her hand etc etc... although he wants the best for her I don't think with the circle of friends he keeps (Tattoos and piercings etc) he has much of a moral leg to stand on!

"The one thing i would add is that i wish my parents had been more robust about it. The whole thing dominated my teen years in that my sister was still the centre of attention even though she was not there!" You are absolutely right, I am trying really hard not to let this happen with my other daughter! It's not her fault and her sister has cut her out too, blocked her on WhatsApp etc etc.. Good point! Thank you x

OP posts:
riverotter · 12/08/2017 09:44

Why does she claim you emotionally abused her?

HerOtherHalf · 12/08/2017 09:45

Blackmailing her by withholding her birth certificate doesn't exactly give you the moral high ground and will just reinforce her opinion that you are unreasonable.

Original poster
Vocalclaire · 18/08/2017 13:48

riverotter - I said no to her on a few occasions... I think it's a term that she thinks carries some weight. Her Dad said when I spoke to her that she retracted that statement... too late for her sister who she said it to though... It's heartbreaking but really I have no option other than to hold back now and hope that she sees we are all here for her when she is ready..

Herotherhalf - She has it now, frustration and upset made me hang on to it for a few days... I am not THAT unreasonable..

OP posts:
Theimpossiblegirl · 18/08/2017 14:09

It sounds like she's choosing to live with the 'cool parent' who let her do what she wants.
If she is alternative in her style and you obviously disapprove of people with tattoos and piercings it won't help.
It must be heart breaking to have been cut out of her life. If no-one will in intervene to help you maybe write her a letter suggesting a meet up or family mediation would help.
Eventually she may just come round. She needs to know you still love her and are there for her. Keep sending that message

Original poster
Vocalclaire · 18/08/2017 17:21

Theimpossiblegirl - I don't disapprove if tattoos and piercings (have had them in my life) but a tongue piercing at 16 I do disapprove of.. can be quite dangerous if not done correctly and a likely one to become infected.. He probably is the cool one.. I am hopeful that one day things will improve.. thanks :)

OP posts:
Mrscropley · 18/08/2017 17:31

My exh didn't parent our ds x2. . At 13+15 they moved full time with me and nc with him. .
They both said they wanted boundaries and guidance and received neither from df.

Bide got time op. .

Kr1stina · 18/08/2017 17:38

Minor point I know but your ex is perfectly capable of applying for his own copy of her birth certificate . I don't know if I'd like to give away my only copy.

I'm sorry for what you are going through and I believe what you say.

mathanxiety · 19/08/2017 22:13

Good point there Kr1stina.

mathanxiety · 19/08/2017 22:13

Good point there Kr1stina.

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