DD 18 has ended her 3 year relationship, what do I say?

[BuenosNoches]

DD is 18, 19 next month.
She's been with her boyfriend for over 3 years. If you had to pick a boyfriend for your teen DD he would be it, he is kind, gentle and lovely. They were friends for years before they got together.
However, she does have good reasons for ending it.

He has just landed an apprenticeship in our home town, it pays more than the usual apprenticeship wage and he will have day release one day a week to go take his degree. It's a peach of a job for an 18 year old.

He is like his parents; lovely, solid dependable and without huge aspirations. At the age of 17 we took him abroad for the first time ever, he didn't even have a passport.
Before many years he wants a mortgage, to get married and have children.

DD on the other hand wants to go to Uni but isn't sure whether she'll go next year or get a job locally and wait a while. She knows the courses she wants to do at Uni but not exactly what she wants to do afterwards. She is creative and talented, her industry is difficult to get into. She may be lucky and land the sort of job she wants or she may end up doing something completely different. She doesn't know.

DD wants to travel, she wants to meet people, make friends, get out of our small town and have fun. She certainly doesn't plan to get married and have babies any time soon.

I have admiration for both of them, their ambitions and achievements.

DD has ended it because she feels their lives are now going in different directions, they are stuck in a dull rut.
She loves him dearly but they've become more like brother and sister whereas she wants excitement.

Now that he has his sensible job he works Mon-Fri, DD works at weekends and goes to College during the week so they won't see much of each other.

Now that he has a good wage coming in and DD is a student she doesn't want to be a burden to him, either financially or emotionally while she tries to work out what she wants to do and where she wants to go to do it.

In addition they bicker, mostly it's just in jest but can turn into insults and DD doesn't like this, she rightly thinks it is unhealthy and will eventually lead to arguments and resentment.

I fully support DD, she was late in last night this is fine, she always lets us know she is safe. I woke up when she got in and we talked and cuddled. She had a late night and she's still asleep now.

I've messaged him to say I'm sorry and he's still welcome round to see us at any time, this is fine with DD.

They haven't fallen out, there has been no big cause for concern in their relationship, it's just run it's natural course.

Other than hot baths, talking, cuddling and sympathy what do I do to help DD through this? She feels guilty for hurting him and heartbroken, even though she feels she has made the right decision for her and I think she is correct.

Phew that was long, apologies.

This is sad to read as they both sound lovely and very mature for 18, but I totally agree that their lives are going in different directions.

I decided to stay with my boyfriend when I went off to uni at 18 as we had a great relationship. It lasted another year but we had lots of arguments, I felt trapped and he became anxious and paranoid about me going out and going travelling with friends. It changed us and we split up badly, and sometimes I really miss him even years on because we were so close as friends before. It would have been better for us to have called it a day earlier, knowing our lives were going in opposite directions, rather than trying to make it work.

It sounds like your daughter made a good decision and you're being very supportive. I'd say the best thing to do is make sure she's okay every now and again, but don't push it. Maybe make an effort to take her out shopping or for her hair done sometime soon as i know after my young break up's I always liked to reinvent myself a little bit and gain back some identity.

Why on earth did you message him?

There's are a lot of oddities in your post.

He is like his parents; lovely, solid dependable and without huge aspirations.

But he has a fantastic apprenticeship according to you, with a day release to study for a degree.

At the age of 17 we took him abroad for the first time ever, he didn't even have a passport.

So what? He will s 17. There are many adults without passports. Is this supposed to be your evidence that he lacks aspirations?

Before many years he wants a mortgage, to get married and have children.

This is your definition of a boy who lacks aspirations? .

Swiftly moving on to your DD:

DD on the other hand wants to go to Uni but isn't sure whether she'll go next year or get a job locally and wait a while. She knows the courses she wants to do at Uni but not exactly what she wants to do afterwards. She is creative and talented, her industry is difficult to get into. She may be lucky and land the sort of job she wants or she may end up doing something completely different. She doesn't know.

I'm sorry OP, but it's your DD who seems to completely lack direction and aspirations here. Other than travelling about, she doesn't seem to be clear on anything.

That in itself is not a problem as they are both still very young. But you seem to think it's your DD that is steaming ahead. She isn't, the boyfriend is the one that seems to have things sorted and leaving DD behind. Hence it's understandable why she has broke up with him.

You also seem overly involved in the break up. Your making such a huge fuss of this. I think you've done enough to comfort/console her. Just encourage her to go out and be with friends and stop treating this like a bereavement.

You get attached to them but it is very common at this age for lives to diverge. My youngest broke up with her boyfriend of almost 5 years when she went to uni at 20. She was right as they would not have coped with the distance for all those years or the different interests, friends and increasing academic disparity etc. It's sad but you have to let him go now.

We've known the boyfriend for years - probably 6 or 7 as a friend of DDs, for the past 3 years he's stayed at our house a couple of times a week or DD has been at his house.
He's been to weddings and a funeral with us and DD, been on holiday with us and she's been on holiday with them.
He's stayed in the house with DD when we've been on holiday.
We've been out for meals with his parents and if I drop DD off there I stop for a cup of tea and vice versa.
He's helped DP shift furniture and picked me up when my car went in for it's MOT recently.
So we've been close to him, he's been a fixture along with all the other teenagers and young adults in and out of our house, some our own and some not.

We live just outside of the small town he lives in, it's not pretty and it's quite industrial.
It's a small community with all the good and bad things that come with that.
It's been a great place to bring up children.
His Mum lives a long way from her own family and she misses them desperately, particularly as her own Mum is ailing. His Dad refuses to move to be closer to them.
In a conversation a while ago his Mum said to DD that her son is the same as his Dad and that DD would end up trapped in this same small town.
So my lack of aspirations refer not to his apprenticeship and degree, which are admirable, but to his lack of aspiration to travel, even on holidays and break away, even a little bit from the small town he lives in.

In common with a lot of teenagers, DD finds this small town oppressive and I can understand that.
I also understand why he is happy to stay.

DD doesn't suffer from a lack of aspiration, she suffers from having too many aspirations.
She wants to do everything, preferably right now though for the coming year she will be finishing College.

DearMr I messaged him at first to check that he got home safely as DD had said he was very upset when he left her.
It's normal for him to message her to say he got home safely.
He then sent me a very long message, in reply I asked whether either of his parents were still awake so he could talk to them. He said they weren't.
In response I said something along the lines of it all being alright in the end and he was still welcome to come round.

Today she went out with friends as planned, thank you to the posters who offered good advice.

If your dd needs help from you, I'm sure she'll feel comfortable asking for that help - break-ups are normal, try not to make a big thing of it.

Eusebius Bit of a harsh post, sounds like the ex BF had become a good friend of the family so a text isn't really that weird is it.

Now it's done obviously your daughter is your priority. She needs to be as busy as possible. Don't get too involved, just let her chat to you if she wants to.

Mismoz - Where did I say anything about OP texting?

Why do you need to say anything at all ?

Blanket, miss and AF that's exactly what I've been doing, talking if she wants to talk.
My OP was asking if there is anything else I should or can do.
She came home from being out with friends and we had a long conversation about it all, at her request.
By coincidence the two of us are going away for a planned long weekend this weekend, there's loads to do it should take her mind off of it and we will have a great time together.

What a lovely thread. I don't think you can do any more, OP.

You must miss him too, in a way.

I would also just say this. My friend went out with a boy when she was 16/17. They split up after both going to different universities. They both went out with different people. They both graduated. My friend moved to London. So did he. They got together again and a few years later moved back near to their parents, got married, had two kids and are very happy.

So she is definitely doing the right thing, whatever happens.

Sorry Eusebius combined yours and Dears posts, ignore me.

OP then no I don't think there's anything you can do. Heartbreak is such a personal thing, and her friends will hopefully do the night out/nights in/chats if that's what she wants to do.