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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Help to pick carefully through this issue - dd17 and eating

24 replies

Asalways · 07/08/2017 11:59

I'm not sure where to begin with this or whether I am overreacting. dd1 is 17 and the oldest of three. She was away last week on holiday with friends and it's made me realise that as a family we have quite a big issue with her 'taking' food and its making sticking to a food budget really really hard.

So for example, I bought dd2 and dd3 a selection pack of cereals each - I only do this in the holidays as a 'treat' but within 4 hours of dd1 returning home she had eaten 6 packets of the cereal. Dd11 was upset. So I went and bought all three girls another selection pack each. dd1 ate all hers in two days, then ate her sisters!! Everytime I buy a pack of biscuits dd17 will take the packet upstairs to her room and eat the lot - to make it more difficult dd2 and 3 are the kind of people who eat a couple of biscuits then don't want any more until the next day - by which time they are gone. As its the holidays I spent quite a lot of money yesterday on treaty type food, dairylea dunkers, biscuits, cereal bars, lots of nice fruit etc. This morning there is one nectarine left out of 8, 1 pack of dunkers, no biscuits. dd2 and dd3 are cross and I am fed up as we live a good drive to a shop and I don't bloody well want to go shopping AGAIN!

For the record, I have a month off over the holidays and I cook lots of nice food. Breakfast this morning was pancakes or scrambled eggs or cereal or toast. Lunch will be garlic bread, soup, salad and I've made a cake. Dinner today is roast chicken with bits plus ice cream. So she is not going hungry.

I don't want to give her a complex but I can't keep spending money like this PLUS I want the other dds to feel relaxed around food - ie it is not all going to disappear within a day.

Any advice welcome!

OP posts:

Original poster

Asalways · 07/08/2017 12:02

She's put on quite a lot of weight, but definitely not fat. She's also very grumpy all the time!

OP posts:

ASDismynormality · 07/08/2017 12:03

Just be honest and tell her she needs to learn to share the food, explain how unfair she is being on her sisters. Tell her you can't afford to keep buying more and more food.

MorelloKisses · 07/08/2017 12:03

It does sound problematic.

At best it is incredibly inconsiderate but it sounds like an excessive anoint of food. Is the 'taking biscuits upstairs' indicative of eating in secret? How is her health/body image?

Mrscropley · 07/08/2017 12:03

NaiceToMeetYou · 07/08/2017 12:04

I would be disciplining her for stealing! At 17 she should be more than aware of what she's doing.

Original poster

Asalways · 07/08/2017 12:05

Mrscropley it would be the worlds longest pregnancy if so, she's been like it for about a year

OP posts:

Original poster

Asalways · 07/08/2017 12:05

Just be honest and tell her she needs to learn to share the food, explain how unfair she is being on her sisters. Tell her you can't afford to keep buying more and more food.

this is what I have done this morning and she was incredibly defensive and i was worried I was doing the wrong thing.

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Original poster

Asalways · 07/08/2017 12:06

I don't really want to call it stealing, but yes i agree it feels like stealing

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ASDismynormality · 07/08/2017 12:07

I don't think you've done the wrong thing. I would also tell her the next step will be that you'll stop buying treats so everyone will miss out.

Original poster

Asalways · 07/08/2017 12:08

I've done that. she just shrugs her shoulders and says fine.

I've also hidden stuff in the shed! Which she has found and eaten!

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NaiceToMeetYou · 07/08/2017 12:12

Taking things specifically bought for her siblings is definitely stealing imo.

Finding and eating things hidden in the shed is worrying. Is she overweight?

Original poster

Asalways · 07/08/2017 12:14

She is not as slim as she used to be. I'd say shes a size 12?

She's bloody confrontational and difficult as well now I'm on the subject.

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LockedOutOfMN · 07/08/2017 12:23

Can you buy more food she can snack on that is healthy / cheaper / the siblings don't mind her eating, and then lock away the treats and give each of 3 child their allocation when they ask for it?

Does she ever miss meals? e.g. Getting up late, being out with friends, etc.?

If you think she is eating enough at meal times, then don't buy so many snacks or lock them away; she doesn't need free access to them. Or buy treats for the younger siblings when they go out with you (am assuming 17 year old maybe prefers to stay at home or go out with friends).

Original poster

Asalways · 07/08/2017 12:25

I like to have snacks in the house as we live a long way from anywhere and I try to minimise the amount that I use the car!

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Floofborksnootandboop · 07/08/2017 12:31

I honestly think it just just be something that happens around 16-18. I used to eat crazy amounts at that age, then my brother did. I now have kids of my own and the 2 boys and their girlfriends eat a lot too and my 17 year old DD has just started to snack a lot more during the day.

I do think it's unfair on all the other is DD1 is taking all the food though. Could you maybe put some of the snacks somewhere that only the younger 2 know so she can't get to them all before they have a chance?

userofthiswebsite · 07/08/2017 12:37

Stealing? Er, no...

Sounds as though she has a few issues with food.

I identify with this. It's clearly not about hunger because after a few, let's say, biscuits, she wouldn't feel hungry and assuming she is eating the 3 meals you mention, I would rule out hunger.

So it's something else. Potentially she's upset about something, or maybe eating out of boredom.
Any issues at school or with friends? Any online teasing?

stayathomegardener · 07/08/2017 12:53

I would say she has a carb/sugar addiction.
DD 18 and I both have and seriously envy anyone who can eat just one of anything. Or even not just be eating all the time.
It's not about being overweight DD is size 6 and I'm about 10.
You can treat it through diet by stabilising blood sugar levels but it's tough and likened to a cocaine addiction, you have to really want to deal with it.
No point being angry with her.

Loopsdefruits · 07/08/2017 13:16

Can you get 3 large storage containers that can be locked, label them per child, and hold the keys. The children can have something from their box when they want, but when it's gone it's gone until the next food shop. It seems extreme but then your oldest won't be able to eat things meant for others, at least most things, and she may learn to be more conservative with her food consumption.

corythatwas · 07/08/2017 13:20

I wouldn't get into any discussions about whether it counts as stealing or not: the point is that she is being selfish and (even if unintentionally) quite mean towards the others and that is something she has got to curb. There is nothing wrong with telling her this even if she is depressed or has a sugar addiction. But at the same time, worth listening sympathetically and making it clear that you are there to help her in any way you can.

MothershipG · 07/08/2017 13:23

Is it just food or does she take other things from her sisters?

I think you need to forget that what she takes happens to be food and concentrate on the issue of respecting other people's stuff.

Explain to her that it's not ok and if she does it again that there will be consequences and what those will be.

Teenagers can be toddlerish and it sounds like you need to reinforce the lessons around sharing!

imokit · 07/08/2017 13:38

I think there are two seperate issues here.

Taking treats which belong to her sisters - a big no no
control issues around food. She's 17, she should be able to self regulate and you shouldn't be restricting her food intake. Talking to her about healthy choices and amounts, yes. Saying you can only have this much food - no. Thus there should be food (inexpensive food/healthy food/fruit ect) which she can have unlimited access to. So that she can self regulate and not feel that people are judging the amounts she's eating. Teens eat a lot and you are not here, you can't feel what she's feeling to know if she's genuinely hungry or not. You don't have to buy her expensive food, or treats, but you shouldn't begrudge her eating as much as she wants. Having a place for food which belongs to everyone and she can help herself to, then a separate space for treats for each of your children would separate out the two issues. No tolerance for taking treats form others, but she has access to food if she needs it.

Mary21 · 07/08/2017 14:10

Do you think she is emotionally over eating . If so check out the BEAT website

Loopsdefruits · 07/08/2017 15:07

I just wanted to clarify as well, imokit is absolutely right, there shouldn't be a case of you regulating her snacks, so she should have control of her own snack box key (if you decide to have locked boxes) and at 11 your middle daughter should too, you didn't mention how old your youngest is I don't think, but if you can trust her to take care of the key herself then each child can self-regulate their own snacks (seems like the other two are pretty good at that anyway).

Original poster

Asalways · 09/08/2017 10:35

Thanks all. I absolutely don't want to have locked snack boxes. I have bought all three the same snacks, put them in the fridge and when they are gone they are gone. If. Dd1 finishes hers and starts on the others I'll have to talk to her again.

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